A shadow falls across my path. The only way to go, the road is long and dark. The warmth of the sunshine does not reach here. It can not penetrate the icy cold darkness. With no end in sight, I stumble blindly along, cold, alone afraid and confused. Time and direction have no place here. No matter anyhow because it seems I am going no faster than a snail and the journey seems endless. The very essence of the darkness seems to penetrate me to the bone. I could make a list a mile long to describe it and still find more. The best word that comes to mind though is EMPTY.
Most of my adult years, I have walked in this darkness. Catching teasingly brief glimpses of the sunshine and warmth. Walking in this empty abyss has become my primary path in life, although, not by choice. However,
it is my choice to cling to it because even the briefest moment in the
sunshine leaves me longing and yearning for something that I will never
be able to capture.
The clouds roll up from behind the hills. Darkness begins to swallow everything in sight. The lightning dances across the sky as thunder announces the turmoil which is coming. Gazing out the window is like looking in a mirror. Images of my life jump across the window panes like a movie. The hollow empty feelings always remain; at times they subside with the calming of the raging storm. But the tears begin to fall with the first drops of rain. The dark gloom seems to consume my very being as the storm consumes the land. With the hollowness in tow, the darkness seems endless. It feels as though no amount of warmth can chase the shadows and darkness away. Trying and always failing, I resort to allowing the storm in and prepare for its next arrival.
Nothing is clear anymore. Everything is fuzzy and jumbled together. All the love I have for those who are dear to me can not out weigh all of the pain and hurt I have caused. Maybe things would be different if I would have tried a little harder but what is done is done. All my life I have been hurting those who are important to me because of my mistakes. I wish right now that if I stood still enough, long enough everyone will forget that I even existed. I would just fade away. This way no one will remember the hurt and tears I have caused and wont be around to make the mistakes again.
My heart tells me not to throw in the towel just yet. Have a little patience. What I saw in you was a love that you are unwilling to share for reasons only you know. I know what Ive seen in your heart and soul. Thats why my heart will not allow me to let go.
My head feels as though it will explode. So many things running though my mind. I can not make sense of them, there are too many. My body screams lustily, quivering with anticipation, begging for attention.
My senses come alive to something that I thought was long gone. My eyes fill with wonder at the sight before me. My sense of smell inhales the intoxicating aromas. My hearing tunes into sounds which are rarely heard.
With my touch, I softly caress what has been lad before me almost as it were the most delicate cloth. We can not forget the taste which hungrily consumes, as if it has lain dormant for a thousand years, greedily wanting more.
