Emo Scene Community

HELLO THERE SHITHEADS I AM ROD RUSSELL SO GULP DOWN MY GLORIOUS LADYKILLER. I'M FROM STRAIGHT OUTTA TEXAS IN THE U-S-OF A THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE UNIVERSE, AND IF YOU DISAGREE I'LL REARRANGE YOUR COLON WITH MY STEEL CAPPED WORKBOOT, YOU FILTHY COMMIE. NOW IN CASE YOU DIDNT KNOW IM AN AMERICAN HERO, I FOUGHT IN VIETNAM AND THERE WAS A MEDAL NAMED AFTER ME THAT'S ONLY KNOWN TO THOSE WHO HAEV BEEN AWARDED IT AND THAT'S ME AND ME ONLY. I WAS AWARDED THIS MEDAL WHEN I TOOK DOWN A PLATOON OF CHARLIE USING MY MOUSTACHE AND A TURKEY BASTER. HERE IS A QUICK BIOGRAPHY OF MY LIFE AT 2 MONTHS IN THE WOMB I WAS BORED AND NOT KICKING ANYONE IN THE DICK SO I TOOK OUT MY COMBAT KNIFE AND CUT MY WAY OUT OF MY MOTHERS WOMB. HAD I STAYED IN THE WOMB FOR THE FULL 9 MONTHS I WOULD HAVE BECOME VICTIM OF A CONDITION KNOWN AS "OVER-MANLINESS" WHERE I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MANLY, TIME WOULD HAVE FOLDED AND THE UNIVERSE WOULD HAVE COLLAPSED UPON ITSELF. AT THE AGE OF THREE I WAS ENLISTED AS A SECRET AGENT, I WAS ALREADY MANLIER THAN THE ENTIRE U.S. ARMY (I HAD BACK HAIR AT AGE 2) AND WAS SENT INTO GERMANY FOLLOWING WORLD WAR 2 TO QUELL ANY NAZI UPRISINGS IN A SECRET MISSION KNOWN AS "KICK YOU IN THE DICK". I SPENT 4 AND A HALF YEARS THERE, AND SINGLE HANDEDLY PREVENTED WORLD WAR THREE, INCLUDING DEFEATING HITLER JUNIOR WHEN HE TRIED TO ASSASSINATE ME WHILE I WAS EATING A 500 POUND GERMAN T-BONE STEAK. I STABBED HIM WITH THE T-BONE AND PEED IN HIS MOUTH. SHORTLY AFTER I WAS SENT HOME, NO MORE WARS TO FIGHT. I RETURNED TO TEXAS AND OPENED UP A CATTLE RANCH AT AGE 12. I DISCOVERED THE SPORT OF CATTLE RUSSLING AND IT SOON BECAME MY FAVORITE HOBBY, ALONG WITH HEADBUTTING CATS AND PUSHING OLD PEOPLE DOWN THE STAIRS. IT WAS ALSO AROUND THIS AGE I DISCOVERED MY INCREDIBLE PROWESS IN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, HOWEVER THERE WAS A PROBLEM, MY PENIS, THE MANLIEST PART ON A MANS BODY (ALONG WITH HIS MOUSTACHE) WAS JUST A THROBBING PILE OF RAW, UNREFINED MANLINESS, AND WHEN I PENETRATED A WOMAN I PENETRATED TIME, SPACE AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN, AND WOMEN WOULD LITERALLY RIP APART FROM THE INSIDE. I BECAME DISSOLUSIONED UNTIL I RELEASED MY SECRET POWER FROM WITHIN, MASTURBATION. WHEN THE VIETNAM WAR STARTED I JACKED OFF AND BLEW THE ENEMY AWAY. I WENT BEHIND ENEMY LINES AND TORE OUT ARSEHOLES LEFT AND RIGHT WITH MY BAYONETTE. BECAUSE OF MY SKILL AT IT I BECAME A FULLY QUALIFIED COLONOSTIC SURGEON. AFTER THE WAR WAS FINISHED I WENT HOME TO MY RANCH AND HOSTED THE ANNUAL CATTLE RUSSLING COMPETITON, HOWEVER I WAS DISQUALIFIED WHEN IT WAS MY TURN AND I JACKED OFF AND MELTED THE BULL. AT THIS POINT I BECAME ENRAGED AND MY POWER LEVEL SOARED TO OVER 9000, AND I KILLED THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE WITH MY PATENTED ROD KWAN DO. I BEAT THE JUDGES TO DEATH WITH MY PENIS. AT THIS POINT I JACKED OFF AGAIN. THIS WAS THE CAUSE OF THE DISTINCT LACK OF CATTLE RUSSLING IN THE 70'S. I THEN RETIRED TO BECOMING A SIMPLE SECRET AGENT. I MOVED TO HAWAII TAKING DOWN TRIADS, DRUGRUNNERS AND GANGS IN MULTIPLE SEXY MISADVENTURES. IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME THAT I STARTED WATCHING MY NEW FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW MATLOCK. I AM AN AVID FAN AND I SUPPORT PETITIONS TO BRING IT BACK ON TV, AND IF THEY DON'T I'LL BEAT THEM TO DEATH WITH MY TERRIFYING HORROR OF A PENIS (H P LOVECRAFT ACTUALLY PREDICTED MY PENISES BIRTH OVER 20 YEARS BEFORE IT WAS CREATED IN HIS BOOK "THE CALL OF CTHULHU") THESE DAYS MY HOBBIES ARE WATCHING MATLOCK, JACKING OFF (BECAUSE NO WOMAN ALIVE CAN SATISFY RODERICK NACHO BELAMY RUSSELLMIRE) SOLVING SEXY CRIMES AND CATTLE RUSSLING. NOW GET OFF MY LAWN BEFORE I EAT YOUR DOG.