Emo Scene Community

It needs to be edited. Loosely based on my struggles with anorexia and bulimia and self harm Life in numbers 115 Everyone has a romance with that one thing that takes away the pain. It's more than a metaphor you see, the more you lose the more you gain. 114. Act as though the pieces are glued together and in time the broken remains will piece back You convince yourself that the less you weigh the happier you are, and you start to believe it too. 113. The suffering feels good. Not in a masochist way, but in a way of constricting for a better outcome Life's daily dose of pain is uncontrollable and unchangeable The choice of pain gives you ultimate power 112. You question whether it's worth it. Was life really as bad as you earlier thought. But it's too late and you state you're content. If you believe it long enough it must be true 111. People are starting to realize. The loss puts shock on loved ones faces Time for stomach pain and headaches and other lame excuses 110. grip of reality is lost. Good is bad, bad is good. The pain is heavenly, happiness is a death sentence. A prick of the wrist is a kiss from angels 109. Your head becomes your home. Everything outside is unknown territory. And what is unknown scares you, the possibility of change is the worst possible scenario. 108. People are noticing. You swear it's a good thing but you avoid it like the plague. Thinking each conversation will add a lb. 107 Secrecy becomes your new best friend. Nobody can understand like your own mind. So what's the point in bragging around. About something you can do behind closed doors. 106. Happiness swirls in your mind like a toilet bowl. The original reason is now losing its footprints, fading as if it was never really there. Results are what matter the rest is obsolete. 105. 10 have been lost, dopamine fills your brain. You're elated and happy and dare I say sane. This is why you did it, it's the name of the game, But the feeling quickly banishes with knowing it won't stay long. 104. You do all you can to keep that feeling there. No junk and no protein, and you must walk every stair. Every inch matters, every bean curd counts. Numbers mean the world to you. A 90 allows you to sleep at night But a pound gained calls for harm for lacking ambition in your fight 103. The fast is not enough. More is needed to be enlightened, The pain feels neutral. A cut among wrists to humour the hearse 102. Being forced to eat. You're stronger, stronger than that it tells you. A trip to the bathroom and two fingers is all you need to replace your lack of diet But still Ana won't be quiet 101. The mirror lies to you again, but you still let it in. Ana used to be a part of you. Now she is you. Measured with sin. 100. You feel weak and defeated but the pain will pay off. The cuts on your wrists, thighs, arms, legs show you put up a fight. Seven daily weigh ins, you dare to pick up an apple 99. Who were you once? Who did you used to be? Ana's the only one here. Losing sight of hair, reality no longer there. Studies piling up. Friends only there to stop and stare. 98. Collapse on the stairwell. They give you a private room. But one with barred windows, you're on suicide watch too. They try to force you to eat, not to harm, not to frown But your self destructive features you wear on your body like a crown. 97. Your mom says she lost you. Who she mothered isn't there. What's left is a bloodlusting skin and bones nightmare. She says you don't care if you die or you live. 96. You measure discreetly and it's soon paying off. Taut skin, thick bones, every ribcage on display. You're almost perfection, 23 lbs and you'll be You say "Oh god 73 lbs, will be the perfect weight for me" 95. Your stomach grumbles angrily, you fall weak at your knees. Your under constant surveillance, Nothing's ever as it seems. Your mind is a war zone, Every step evokes a grenade. Just one more step, And things will all be ok. 94. It's become your favorite drug, Your heroin of choice. But what will become, When it takes your own voice. It has stolen your mind, body, and time, How long will it take til it takes up your life? 93 Your mind is a barracks. You live in the trenches, the sun you don't see After 20 more lbs, happiness will be. It will all be worth it, Just wait and see. When you look at how perfect, You soon will be. 92. You once were a good girl, Doing all that you need. But good girls they swallow. One thing you won't ever be. Good girls go to classes, Instead chainsmoking all day You are decaying, You have decayed 91. The cutting gets worse, Deep, deep, and deeper. You WANT to be dead, To be greeted by the grim reaper 90. The mirrors are your worst nightmare. Your fingers, the greatest weapon. You say "Do it again one last time, ' Till the end of time. 89. This one's dedicated to those who treated you like shit, All those nights you stayed up, believing all of it. Throwing up all the memories, Purging it all away. But it won't ever go, Until the end of days. 88. You say, 'The pain makes me feel alive. A cut to remind me I'm not dead. Jamming fingers down my throat, To preserve the end.' 87. The mirrors haunt again. A battered, fat canvas. If scars tell a story, Then fat paints a picture. Not sure what's more corrupted, The insides or outsides. But theyll find out in the autopsy All that you had to hide. 86. I used to have friends, But Ana made that end. 'I'm the only one you need', She assures me again and again. Haven't seen outside in weeks, But seeing ribcages makes you feel less weak Not too far to go, Close, close, so close. 85. Give yourself up, You have no control over anything. If you didn't want to starve, You still would anyway. Ana has taught you, There isn't any other way. 84. 'The world that I live in, Is a world of my own. I created the bars and barriers, And kept myself without a home. I created the enemies, the hatred, and suffering. How long will it last, I always am wondering.' 83. you don't know any other way, It's hard for you to even say. Without Ana by your side, You wouldn't be alive. Are you even now, Slowly falling to the ground. But when you realize, Will You even try to get back up? 82 Talking is too much, The thought of eating makes your stomach churn. That tint thing, That took you so long to achieve. Forget fingers around your wrist, You say "Let me put it on my waste" It's a metaphor you see, for the entire life you've put to wast 81. "I'm closer than I've ever been, I swear I'll die for this sin. I'm not talented or pretty or funny you see, So let me be skinny. Just let me be.' 80. I'm a monster living in Ana's brain, I don't know her anymore. The monster in the mirror, Makes me believe it's not a enough. Just a couple more lbs lost, Just a couple more cuts. 79. The stitches add up, The paramedics know you by name. A cut to end all mental cuts, And maybe I'll be sane. 78. I'm a fat, ugly monster, I've done nothing with my life. But tell it I hate it, And abuse it with no right. Nothing was warranted, A bloodlust stays in my eyes. I should be convicted a murderer, For all the shit I've done to my life. But the worst felony made, Was saying "I'm fine" 77. They find you in the kitchen, Knives bathing in blood. Enough is enough, Ana's done what she's done. The second you fall down, You feel something you've never seen. Nothing bothering, total peace, Could that be serenity. 76. You don't feel accomplished, or elated or perfection. The only real emotion you felt was depression The tube down your throat that delivers food you don't want, Starts your corrupted gag reflex wanting to cause some more harm You shake your way over to the bathroom, IV in hand Push your once-gentle fingers past your once-untouched glands The feeling isn't something you welcomed or desired Unbearable pain in your heart you thought was broken Who's that girl lying dead on the hospital floor? Not the one you thought you would end up as before The feelings of euphoria and happiness never showed For who sane would think such feelings would come from the rotting corpse in the morgue?