Emo Scene Community

Rarely ask for help on here these days but here goes… I stopped eating again, haven't been sleeping, getting so stressed and angry at the tiniest things. Can't concentrate on anything for long. Every day is a struggle. I struggle to at least pretend to function like a normal person, to get up in the morning and go about the day. It's a struggle not to relapse and slip back into some not-so-good habits just to feel something even slightly better than this emptiness. It's a struggle to at least seem like there's nothing wrong when there's nothing right. Home life is getting worse. There's more arguments than ever about the smallest things and with everything else that's going on in my life, I just snap instead of stand there and take it. Tuesday I was told to leave and not bother coming back. If it weren't for a friend's mum overhearing an argument I was having with my stepdad over the phone and figuring out what happened, I would've slept rough that night, in the rain. The next morning I went back to check on my mum as I had to take her to hospital later that day. Now I regret coming back. I wish I never let anyone get involved, that nobody gave me a place to sleep. I'd rather have spent the night out in the rain, hopefully freezing to death in the process. I'm not suicidal. To be honest, I gave up on that a while ago since every attempt has always failed. It's like I'm that spider that just won't die no matter how many times you step on it. I don't want to go back to cutting either because I'll be left with cuts and scars and where's that gonna get me? Don't even want to go back to drugs either because I know any escape they can offer will only be temporary and I'll wake up to the same hell I was in before. Just don't think I want to be alive anymore, if that's what I am. There's just so much stuff wrong and so many problems both now and in the future that I don't see myself living past 20 and even if I do, I don't think I want to reach thirty. There were days that I can barely function, when I get up, get dressed, make sure my mum takes her tablets and then just go back to bed until I have to get up again and cook dinner, even though the smell of food makes me feel sick and I know I either won't eat any or the tiny amount I do manage to eat gets thrown up (not bulimic, just kinda happens). When I try to sleep I just lay there waiting to drift off and then end up watching the sunrise, which just doesn't seem all that special anymore. I'm so tired I can't concentrate on anything, my focus just goes and my eyes get blurry. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore…