<b>well, i'm sure you all have your life going.. and what not.. and it's really hard to find time to care for somebody else, because you already have Your Own life challenges.. But if you do find the time to read/care about what i have to say, or just being friendly, i would highly appricate it. Well, my story is not simple.. i'm a very, very fucked up person. my dad beated me up growing up, my mother disowned me, both my sisters hurted me/used me. School was no diffrent, it even got worse.. so i isolated myself for a Really long time. making friends to me was next to impossible.. the funny thing to me, is that.. i Love people, i Love how uniqe people can be.. i love how diffrent we are from each other, but share so many needs and wants. i think it's fascinating But nobody wants to f***** be my friend.. I feel like, the more i try to be kind, and supportive of others, the more i get punished by society. Iv'e also seen things that are Not normal, i mean.. spiritually.. some of them are good, and changed my life for the better. some of them scared the Crap out of me. I was raped by a big dude when i was around 20, im 28 now.. and i'm STILL a fuck up to make myself feel better, i do alot of things.. i eat healthy, i meditate, i pray, i cry while watching music videos that relate to my feelings, i drink some wine evrey morning (healthy amount, not toxic amount) to help relax a little bit, i try to catch sunlight, i try to dance.. i do Anything i can to stay sane/survive this life. I can't tell you how many times i went to bed feeling lonley, cold, sad, abandoned, And like a piece of trash. My family rejected me, My friends rejected me, Life rejected me. When i go to people normally and ask for advice (this is why i came here, to Emo forum - for a diffrent vibe).. then people sell you these silly ideas about positivity, dreaming of a better future, and such and such.. they even blame you for "not trying hard enough", "not being positive enough". When in reality, my brain is completly fucked up. and i will Never be fully repaired. i understood that, in my years growing up- just being truthfull here. the few friends i had, i lost to succide.. i did things im not proud of. all i ever asked for, is for somebody to Give a fuck about me. to have enough support, to feel good about living. Dreaming, being happy, all that bull.. is not even in my remote grasp. i'm damaged. You know, something that really sucks.. is that even tho i managed to forgive those who hurted me, those who broke me, my own parents, i'm still a broken person. when feelings get overwhelming, i Eat.. i eat until i feel sick. it helps me fall asleep. did i try other methods? of course. did they work? no, they didn't. they helped, but the problems remained. many things about me, i have to live with.. my poor health, due to experiencing Alot of emotional stress in my life. poor mental stability, constantly going between depressed and Normal. 1 day hating life, wish i could be buried alive, crying from the inside and managing to change absouletly nothing. the other day, thankfull and even smiling. i'm F'''d up hard. maybe people can see that, and they don't wanna be my friends because of that. i don't effin know. Something really shitty about how society works, is that.. i feel like i have to be in a romantic relationship, to get 1 friend. because finding friendships to me (even tho i tried evreything), is impossible. so, either i give people my heart, and my body for sex (romantic relationships), and they give a fake f about me. Or, ill be lonley. How's that fair? forget fair, how is that livable? when you try to talk about yourself, people just yawn in your face.. but when They Talk, thier eyes light up, and they are So engaged about what they have to say. Fakeness all around me, all around us, no real people (feels like) - what's the surprise that i feel alone? I try voulenteering and give advice to others, who might be going similliar intense shit. it helps feeling better for a little while. then you come back to the same dark reality, that you have no attention, you have nobody that cares about you. it's just You, against the world. and it feels shitty.... i became numb, numb to people cursing, to people acting like complete a-holes.. i just don't care anymore.. when people try to hurt me, what i say to them is "what can you do to me, that heaven't been done before?" iv'e had Way too many brushes with death. and i litearly fear Nothing in life, except the fact that im human. and being human, is the most painful shitty fact about me. one time, an ex of mien tried to prank me.. that he is breaking up with me... you know what my reaction was? "ok, and?" i smiled in his face. i really don't care anymore.. the worst that is gonna happen, is that im gonna go back to the same cold reality that i know so freaking well.. it's not scary anymore, it's Home. in a twisted, sad, insane, unlivable way. I get sick alot, because the building i live in has alot of health hazards. and i don't give a f. i was so excited living in this building, because it's a New building.. turns out it's a health hazard. why not? i mean, it's my life after all.. Of Course it will be wierd twisted upside down and hurtfull. : ) if you asked me when i was young, will i ever see myself as these morbid, dark thinking type of people? my answer wouldv'e been 100% no. But honestly, now..? the more morbid the person i talk to, the closer i feel to that person. at least that morbid person dosen't try to pretend he/she someone else. i send all my love to you all, and i thank you for taking your time to read <3 i feel better just knowing that some other people, can relate and Feel what i feel rightnow. it's a true blessing not to be 100% alone with this. bless you take good care, mr. morbid A