likes: Snowboarding, Rockstar games, Playstation games, Laplanders, Pikachu, buttons, Spyro the dragon, nice people, Energy drinks, sleeping, dreaming, anime, stuffed animals, Art, thrift stores, pea coats, asian food, fiction writing, illustration, vampires, blogging, vlogs, Youtube, poetry.
Hates: Stupidity, chavs, gaining weight, teeny fans, perverts, waking up early, being forced to learn something I'm not interested in, hateclubs for a certain band/group, racism
Elliot Smith, Avenged Sevenfold, Killswitch Engage, Bob Marley. Hawthorne Heights, Three Days Grace, Vampire Weekend, Greeley Estates, Daughtry, Nirvana, Bullet For My Valentine, Asking Alexandria, ACDC, Iron Maiden, Taking Back Sunday, Falling In Reverse, Lamb Of God, The All-American Rejects, Muse, Decemberists, Bright Eyes, Ryan Adams, Duke Ellington, Bless The Fall, Tyler The Creator, Sunny Day Real Estate, Fugazi, Vampires Everywhere, Oceans Ate Alaska, I See Stars, Bon Iver, The Pixies, Slipknot, 30 Seconds To Mars, Chelsea Grin, Buffalo Season, I The Deceiver, Silverstein, Rammstein, Greenday, My Chemical Romance, Dashboard Confessional, Yellowcard, Thursday, New Found Glory, Alesana, Blue October, Alkaline Trio, KISS, Hoobastank, Gallows, All Time Low, Kayden, Fall Out Boy, Radiohead, Impending Doom, Stick To Your Guns, Arctic Monkeys, Bridges, Maroon 5, Landon Pigg, Arcade Fire, Conor Oberst, Motionless In White, Ozzy Osbourne, The Jealous Sound, Neil Perry, The Cure, Evergreen Terrace, Senses Fail, Crush 40, Through The Eyes Of The Dead, The Get Up Kids, Stewart Copeland, Breathe Carolina, Emery, My Children My Bride, Slayer, The Ataris, Therefore Tomorrow, Story Of The Year, Mike V And The Rats, Motley Crue, Twelve Hour Turn, All Time Low, Hoobastank, Death Cab For Cutie, Evanescence, Mayday Parade, Bon Iver, New Politics, Hadouken!, Saosin, Alexisonfire, 36 Crazy Fists, AFI, Aiden, Farooq, Finch, Circle Takes The Square, Ozzy Osbourne, Story Of The Year, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Every Avenue, Bring Me The Horizon, Avion Roe.
Its good to have an outlet. Where does all of my frustration and depression go when I can't afford to ruin my reputation to brandish it in public? Of course, the internet. But I'm not mean to people, like most trolls will do when their lives are pathetic. Instead, I enjoy my frustrations and channel them into hardcore energy. What I mean about hardcore energy is that I turn this self doubt, depression, and anxiety that I have into productivity.
Again, I am absolutely bothered. Its been a while since I've posted, but I need to vent.
Firstly, if anyone is reading this journal. Just know that I appreciate your existence. Lately, I've been so busy and trying my best to stay sane. Things are tough. My love life is tough, my social life is tough, my job life isn't bad but I don't like it. I'm suppose to enjoy my winter break, but instead I'm sulking and wanting to get away from everyone. Sometimes I just want to be alone.
I'm in an advanced illustration class, and everyones a competition.
Everything I turn in isn't my best, and I know that. Everyone else's work is beautiful except mine. I hate my work. Whenever I do something, I want to rip it to shreds. I feel so behind, and I feel like I'm not going to make it.
Friday, I was a little angry. With the last hour of class I was talking to my peers, asking what ideas they were working on for their next project. A guy showed me his doodle thumbnails of whats gonna happen. And I acknowleged it and showed him what I was working on. When I was talking about how I might go with one of the thumbnails I had, he added, "Well if you're gonna do that one, I would redo that girl because she looks like a teenager."
Are you fucking kidding me? Don't critique my doodles you twat. I am not pointing at your stick figures and saying, "If you're going to do that one, make sure they're more realisting instead of drawing a circle for the head and lines for the limbs." I didn't say anything because I didn't want to feel disorderly in the classroom, but saying that in front of everyone made me feel a little offended. As if I don't know how to fucking draw. My body was heated and I just stopped talking to him. They're thumbnail sketches for a reason. The finalized piece is not going to look like my fast drawn sketches. I swear to god, people act as though they need to critique my work when its not their fucking job.
Why do I hate myself so much?
My own intellectual being purposely doing anything to bring me down. Do the things that consequent me to hate myself more?
Thinking but acting anyway. Thinking about the things that I've done to give me another excuse to hate myself.
Why am I this way? Why can't I let go?
Why can't I start new and leave the hurtful memories behind?
I just wish someone can kill me, put me out of my damn misery because I can't stand this life anymore. My heart has been crushed in different angles, my family and I don't communicate and my friends can't always be here. Sometimes I want to give up, but I care too much about myself, and I would rather die than become a peasant to society. I'm not cute, attractive… My personality sucks, and I can hardly keep friends. Everyone ignores me, as though I'm not worth to talk to. People are mean to me. People love to treat me like shit… I just want to be loved for once. I'm tired of feeling like my life and what I do doesn't matter to anyone. My heart's too pure to have it destroyed by a mean-spirited individual. Every night I cry, because i've lost interest in almost everything, art, music, college. I enjoy sleeping, forgetting and dwelling in a life that I was never have. I will never have a boyfriend, or someone that would at least tell me that I'm worth to talk to. My happiness slowly decays the more I'm treated like shit. I only wish that people could stop. I put a smile on my face and hope someone notices me. Or at least an old friend can tell me that they've missed our high school times together. I just want to disappear and be away from this town, save money, just live on my own. I'll have a dog, and just love it until it dies. I guess I don't need anyone else to share my life with because I try hard to make people like me. I even do favors, smile, listen to their problems, but it seems like everyone want to be selfish. The sad thing is if I was attractive then people would adore me. I would cut off my flesh and rebuild myself to a new me, and move and start life new because I've felt miserable, worried, unwanted, unloved, even by my family. They don't care about my feelings. Nor does anyone else around me. So why should I keep my life when I can't even enjoy myself? Or actually share my interests? Who would stop and talk to me? Why would you if someone's cuter and better than me? You wouldn't even stop by to say hi at all. I'm nothing special.
When you miss someone that you love, it can be devastating. I start to cry, my gut twirls into a knot and my heart aches. I just miss my lover, and I wish I can get through these bad times quickly before its too late. I don't want him to fall out in love with me because he's given up that I will never get to see him.
Its hard that I still have these feelings for him, and everyone's trying to have him. Even my old best friend. All of my friends are trying to take his heart from me, and I am very scared. I just want him to know that I love him to death and it doesn't matter how long its been. I still think of him, wishing he'd get on. I want to tell him a lot of things that has been on my mind. If it was possible, I wouldn't be in America. If I had it my way, I would be in Sweden, kissing him, holding him tightly and giving all the love I can give him. I hate being replaced, forgotten.
No one recognizes me.
I'm nothing more but a ghost playing out throughout life and dying of a typical old age.
Just a life, nothing special.
My talents, they aren't there. They aren't here, no one appreciates it so why should I believe that I have talents?
I come and go, no one cares. Who cares about my life? Who cares about my talents? I fucking hate that I'm brought up this way.
Everyone cares about looks. Just want to feel normal, just want to feel accepted.
This summer has a lot of free time, a lot of opportunities gone to waste, and a lot of fooling around. A few days ago I decided to drive from Fresno to Merced, to hang out with this guy, and to also get away from my loud, arguing, dysfunctional family. Here, its not so bad. I just wish he was more honest about who he was instead of lying. I showed up in disappointment, and I don't like him as much as I did because he was faking a lot of things about himself. Due to that, we're just friends and he's very much not my type. So I'm here in Merced for a few days until I'm ready to leave. Honestly, I've never been here, but it's not as great as Fresno. It's still 100 degrees, there's a pool so I went swimming. But I kind of miss home. I miss my bed, my ps3, my guitars, my room and privacy. Also, I'm a little hungry. I haven't ate much, and he doesn't have toothpaste. Oral hygiene is a huge deal for me. This is why I can't picture us together. He's much older, he has his own place but I didn't know his lifestyle was a total lie. I don't mind being his friend. He tried pushing me into being his, but to be honest, I told him I'll think about it. We're not a couple, we're just friends. He's already stalking my twitter and my facebook. That's a BAD SIGN.
