Dec 10 2015, 01:16 AM

I don't even know where to fucking start tbh. Things are so up and down recently, well more recently than usual. Usually things are pretty messed up in the way my mood takes turns being good then shitty but recently is mostly shitty. Going through a phase of insomnia doesn't help as I'm like tired most of the time, like super tired so my mood is more easily effected. Result of lack of sleep makes me feel more self conscious and people I thought were my "friends" have been avoiding me since my being more depressed more recently for reasons I don't know why. Granted I've only known these people a few months but I live with them at uni and I guess they have stopped inviting me and including me in stuff. It kinda bothers me too. This is why I think most people I meet suck. I properly over thinking this as I usually do about EVERYTHING but man it's bugging me. I like wana not be bothered and the only way I can do this is cut myself away from them and literally not bother when I do get uncluded but what's stopping me is me telling myself in being paranoid about the whole situation. This is probably the main reason that last year I kept myself to myself cause I don't make friends easily and when I do, well I notice things, even the slightest things and get insanely paranoid. This shit isn't helping the family crap I've got going on which is getting to me and also the stress from being back at uni and trying not to fail..I have an obsession with trying not to fail so this is making me venerable and I guess feeding the demons that live inside my head and control my mood. All this crap is making me drink a lot when I start drinking. Like I'll go to the pub for one or two drinks and before I know it I've drank a lot more and I come back in a crappy mood. I've also been self harming again, not as regular as I used to but enough to feel ashamed about it. Maybe that's why I'm not being included? Who wants to be friends with someone who resorts to hurting themselves to try and make them feel better? No one. Tbh I don't even know why I'm putting all this into my VF journal, maybe venting will help me sleep? Who knows. I also don't expect anyone to read this so I'm not seeking attention before anyone says. See there I go again, getting paranoid about something else. Ah well. Can't even say I'll eventually feel better cause I've been like this on and off for ten years and it's practically been more bad than good during that time period...mood wise anyway. Well I think I'm done with with journal for the time being so yeah rant over I guess. Most awkward way to end it but hey ho.

Nov 08 2014, 07:06 PM

right feel like I need to rant to get this off my fucking chest. Love sucks complete ass. It's meant to be a good feeling right? its meant to make you feel fucking happy? Nope, not in my case...the first time I ever fall in love and it sucks! May as well go into the details. When i was 17, so 6 years ago, I started talking to this online who was 14. We became REALLY good friends and I noticed I started getting feeling and then fell in love! How this works when I've never met her idfk but it happened. I never told her cause its the first time feeling like this ever and was too scared to get fucking rejected cause I lived her to pieces. Anyway, about a year later she got a boyfriend which killed me, so too deal with that I got a girlfriend. Not the best idea I know but I needed something to take my mind off it. I was with my girlfriend for 3 years and I failed to fully commit to her cause of loving Morgan, so that relationship broke down. She was with her boyfriend for the same amount I think?? He got jealous that we were talking so she just disappeared which sucked so i decided to move on and bury my feelings. The years went by and I wasn't thinking about it at all UNTIL about a month ago when she got in contact with me and BOOM guess what come back? Yeah you guessed right, my fucking love for her. Now its driving me crazy. I can't sleep or concentrate or anything. I told her the other day after I got up some courage and I didn't plan too it just sort of happened and she didn't know what to do with it. Ohh, before we stopped talking she lived in Bolton, England and I lived in Birmingham, England. When her and her bf broke up she got pregnant by him during their relationship, had her daughter and moved to Scotland. She is planning o moving back to Bolton next year. Back too it, she said she loves me to bits as a friend but doesn't know what would happen in the future, baring in mind she also said that I should of told her all those years ago cause she really really liked me! Fucking me putting salt in my wounds cause I've been kicking myself that I was too much of a pussy to say anything all those years ago. She said she doesn't know how she will feel in the future, before you say it I know it won't probably happen. Ever since I told her I feel relieved and more insecure as well, more than I was before I told her. So i'm pretty much fucked. Like, we talk all the time again like we used to which makes it worse on me. I've though about leaving and not talking but the thought of losing her completely makes me feel pretty shitty. To make matters worse when i do sleep I fucking dream about her. How fucking lame is that. Bleh fucking feelings, I hate them! Ah rant over.

Aug 09 2012, 03:42 PM

Look I know ima fucking ugly no nered to say it to my fucking face :(

Aug 08 2012, 02:40 PM

Idk why I bother anymore....there will always someone better than me with everything that I want or try.... I never used to feel THIS shite about myself :(