Sep 30 2012, 12:19 PM

I was thinking about how much I wished I was happy with the way I looked. I wish I was able to look in a mirror and think wow I look pretty today, instead of holy fuck that’s an ugly piece of shit. Or wow she’s fucking fat. I wish that I could look at myself and see what other people see. I wish that I wasn’t so shy. That I didn’t have such low self-esteem. I wish I wasn’t fucked over so much to the point where I can’t trust people, I want to trust people. I want to be able to let people in and not have to worry about getting fucked over or something stupid happening like the whole world hearing nothing but lies about me because that person wanted to make themselves look better. There are mistakes that I’ve made, a lot of them that I wish I never made. I’ve hurt people before and I regret that too. I wish I never did that. Knowing that I hurt them, and how much bothers me more. There are times where I really don’t want to be alive, at all. Or when I feel like I was a mistake that should have never happened and if it didn’t other people’s lives would be so much better off. I miss the people who I shouldn’t think about, or care about anymore. There are times where I wonder if they ever think about me. Or if they ever regret hurting me and fucking me over. But the thing is with that is that I’ll never get the chance to know, because I can’t bring myself to talk to them because I’m worried that I’ll trust them again and they’ll fuck with me and my emotions again. I’m tired of people walking in and out of my life. There are times where I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, at all actually. I wonder what other people think of me, so much it makes me anxious. I hate it.