Aug 17 2012, 02:56 PM

That's just fucking it. I am sick & tired of putting up with everyone's shit. They can all go get fucked. I'm just going to go & break my fucking whole fucking year record of no cutting. Because if that bitch wants me to go & kill myself, then I fucking will. Since' nobody gives a shit. Just fuck it. Why should I go on this fucking way, so I can be everyone's back-up friend? Their little person who they just bitch to & about. Well sorry, but fuck that shit. I'm not doing it anymore.

Aug 13 2012, 12:53 PM

When people try to put me down about a decision I've made & I just sit, screaming at them in my head like; Just shut the fuck up, okay? I'm allowed to dislike somebody who hurt me. I'm allowed to say what I want, do what I want, think how I want, laugh how I want & be who the fuck I want. This is my life & if you don't like it, then there's something wrong with yours not mine. It's like when I told people I'm going to dye my hair brown & they start going 'OMFG, you can't, you shouldn't, you won't, you'll look like such a whore' I mean, seriously? You're going to tell me that I can't? Well just fucking watch bitch. Fine, if I'm going to look terrible then that's my problem not yours. So stop trying to act like someone's trying to dye your hair, because they're not. It's my hair, I'll do what the fuck I want with it. I've been trying to be what everyone wants, trying to be something I'm not. Trying so hard to meet everyone's expectations & to get their acceptance. But I don't need it. And I won't ever need it. Because I might not have all A's in every single subject, but I'm going somewhere. Where will you go? You'll stay in the exact same spot as you are in now. Sure, I'm not little Ms. Popular in high school, but darling high school will end. And then what will you have left? A handful of memories & the same malicious personality. See how far you get with that.

Aug 10 2012, 09:25 PM

7 days until' they all come ._. Only a week. When Mom read my cards the other day she said that I'd find joy this month if I go the right way around it. But the thing is, how can I. The youngest is having a birthday party while she's over here {God help me}. That dumbfuck put he's in a relationship with some slut JUST before he's about to stay here for a fortnight. And Georgie ._. Omg, that's where I'm seriously going to fuck up. He's autistic, I understand. But I just hate little kids for some reason. And it's not like I do it on purpose, I just be mean without wanting to. It's awful. Then they all suggest 'LET'S GO TO VARNA & THEN WE CAN GO SWIMMING FOR THE WHOLE 2 WEEKS WE'RE HERE!' {Varna is on the Black Sea coast & is one of the many main tourist spots} The thing is, I don't mind going to Varna & going swimming. But it's when I have to actually get ready to go swimming. Having to put my ribs on full display. And I can just imagine one of the little one's pointing at my ribs & asking why it sticks out like it does ._. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I'd probably just break down right there & then. You probably think I'm just overreacting about this. But the thing is, you have no idea what it's like. When we had that scoliosis scan in school, that's what started the anorexic rumor. That's when I became so self-conscious of my stomach that I'd always have my arms folded across it. When we were shopping for bikini's, it was just torture. I was so lost.. ugh, fucking Harri goes 'Oh Mom, my bikini broke in the washing machine' First of all, how your fucking bikini BREAK? Also, there was nothing wrong with it last week. But fine, get a new bikini. And she goes & chooses the SAME FUCKING BIKINI AS ME. That's what really pissed me off. There was at least 60+ different kinds in that one stall but nooo, let's get the same bikini as Georgia. Jesus fuck -.-' Then when we go into Technopolis for me to buy my memory card, she goes & fucking smashes my camera on the floor. AND Afterwards she goes yelling in the store 'OMG, Talk about anti-social why don't you, I mean seriously!' Acting as if somehow I was the one who had grabbed it from myself & sent it crashing to the floor. And she just stood there laughing.. All the employers were staring at us & tried to avoid me when I asked to buy my memory card. It was honestly, the single most humiliating 10 minutes of my life. Worst bit was how Mom supported Harri in this. And then they go & fucking ask me why I'm not smiling. And Harri wants to have a kid..-.-'

Aug 06 2012, 09:44 PM

To be completely honest, I don't really see the point of why I come on here anymore. I used to think that this site was more of an escape for me but now, it just doesn't feel as much as home as I thought it did. This is probably me being paranoid, but I don't feel that welcome anymore. It was great at first, everyone was so nice. But somehow things changed, people changed. And I guess that's one of my many faults, that I always just stay the same. Not being disrespectful to anyone, but so much shit has started, so many bitch fights on here that it just got to the point where people are getting over dramatic. I love this site & I always will, but I came on here to find people who would understand me & would accept me for who I was. And that didn't really work out. So I guess I should just move on, something that I've been trying to do for years.

Jul 31 2012, 01:20 AM

Ugh, some bitches from my school are spreading shit that I have a case of anorexia nervosa. Which is absolute bullshit. Yes, my ribs do stick out. But it's a specific illness that causes that. You don't have to remind me that I'm deformed, okay. I tug & push my ribs every day. So before you go starting shit about me being anorexic, get your facts right. Because I have qui-scoliosis not anorexia. Also, I eat 3 packets of crisps a day. This just really pisses me off, because I try to hide my ribs from display & I'm so self-conscious of them. And then you go make this big scene on Facebook about me & now everyone knows that I have the most un-attractive stomach in the entire school -.-' But seriously, posting it on Facebook? Jesus fuck. People start sending me these fucking idiotic messages asking whether I've seen a specialist yet. Then when I don't reply I start getting spammed on ask.fm; JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. This is why I have completely no hope for the human race anymore. I have no idea how I'm going to face all those pitiful & hateful looks at school in September, ugh -.-'

Jul 26 2012, 07:37 PM

This is a brilliant start to my Friday morning. Lost my glasses last night/this morning & I can't go looking for them since' I can't see shit without them. AND I slept through the whole night & still got up at 5AM. I'm so relieved, I haven't slept a whole night since` June. Ugh, I have to keep re-typing everything as I can't see the keyboard. Hopefully, Mum will wake up soon & help me find my glasses. HOPEFULLY.

Jul 25 2012, 12:53 PM

Jesus fuck. I was reading back through all my journal entries, I must sound like such a whiny little bitch. Seriously, why the fuck didn't I just suck it up & move on instead of complaining to everyone, spamming them with pointless depressing journal entries. And the fact that I kept saying I had no friends when really I did but just never replied back to their messages. So starting from now, I shall start replying to people whether I like it not. Because I do have people that care about me, but they have their own problems let alone have to listen to my petty issues. I can't believe what a hypocrite & ignorant whore I used to be. Not that I've changed that but to be honest, that's probably why people hate me so much. Because they always the ones making the effort. When I went round to my {pregnant!} sister today, she said that that's probably why I get bullied so badly at school. Because I don't try to do anything about it. And I didn't think it at first but she's probably right. So from now on, I'm going to try just that little bit harder & see what happens c;

Jul 24 2012, 08:29 PM

LOOOL, that guy I texted has moved to France without any sign of warning. Some cunt from my school confessed his feelings to me over Skype & now he's gone running back to his ex. That asshole who I kept whining about has started going with some attention whore. The thing is, I couldn't give a fuck anymore. Sure, my whole love life has just frigging gone down the drain. But I've been crying for the past 2 months over this guy where it's got the point that I just can't feel anything. It's like my emotion strings have been cut. I don't know how to explain it.. After all that depression, crying, self-harming I've just got no strength to go on like that anymore. Um ye, I still am depressed & self-harming but I'm not as hopeless anymore. My mum & step-dad couldn't give two shits about my situation but that's fine, because I'll be out of this wretched country & starting my life in England soon enough. I'll go to architecture school here until` I'm 19 & can move back to the UK. But the problem is, this is all positive & happy thinking but what happens when I go back to school in September.. What happens when people start to hate me again without a reason? ;/

Jul 20 2012, 04:36 PM

Well, that just crashed & burned. I finally got the nerve to actually tell this asshole how I've been whinging & crying about him for the past 6 months. And he didn't reply. Not that I expected him to but seriously, I go & tell you that I love you just so you can leave me feeling like such an idiot. Worst thing is, he's probably going to show the text message to all his friends & now my title to them will be the pathetic little attention whore. Words just can't describe how fucking stupid & hurt I feel. I was walking towards my bedroom for another frustrated session with my blade when I saw my Mom going to bed. As usual, she says 'Are you alright, honey?'. I've learnt that it's pretty much a rhetorical question. But instead of lying that I'm fine, I turn around & say 'No, I'm not alright'. And she just goes 'Okay then'. That..I don't even know how to explain it. My own mother. That's when at that moment it hit me, I'm completely alone in this. My own family have gone past the point of caring. I literally have nobody. It's all peaches & cream when I'm talking to people on here but they're not here with me. Even though I'm lucky to even have someone like them, it doesn't change the fact that I'm on my own when I cry. When I get bullied at school. When my step-dad humiliates me infront of everyone. When my own mom doesn't even give a shit. That's when it gets unbearable. So why am I still here? Why don't I just go & take those pills now? There's nothing left now. Sure, I've got two sisters in the UK who've just completely blocked me out of their lives, a dad that I don't even know, a sister who's always been my mother's favorite, a grade full of people who hate me so much that they don't even have a reason. Wow, I'm so fucking lucky. I read all about girls who have amazing loving mom's who actually try to help them with their depression instead of ignoring it. What did I do that was so wrong for me to deserve this? What did I do that was so terrible & unspeakably cruel for me to get all this back in return? Fuck 'dis shit.

Jul 17 2012, 03:11 PM

Even though I promised myself to stop writing pathetic sad shit about this asshole on here & in my diary, I just can't. Because it just hurts too fucking much. I can't listen to music & cry as I left my MP3 at the restaurant so that fucking sucks. I try so hard to be what he needs, trying to be perfect. No, I haven't got the flattest stomach or the biggest tits. No, I haven't got a massive mob of friends who I go around with all day & spend my whole summer with. And it sucks, okay. Because there's always going to be a prettier or hotter girl that you will choose over me. Let's face it, I'm just going to die alone with my 69 cats. Never get married. Never have children. Tbh, I'll probably never have another boyfriend. Might as well just start saving up for cat food now. I used to be so motivated & now all because of some guy who is a complete dick, I ordered three bottles of sleeping pills. And my motivation was going to school. Leaving for college at 16 & having a fresh start. But I was looking around for colleges in Ruse & none specialize in photography. So there's not really much point in changing schools after I'm 16. Because if I go to the business college & I fail, I'll be 21 or older by the time I graduate. And I need my diploma for me to start uni in the UK when I'm 19. But if I stay at my current school & 'the people' don't change schools, then my whole fucking teenage life is just going to be fucking shit. Also, I won't be able to dye my hair blue. So fuck my life.