Mar 30 2015, 04:53 PM

Dear Slashy, It just all ends up here doesn't it This is the only place I can say these things Because my therapist wants to read my journal. You guys really do take the piss, don't you? It's like every one of you except Mark has teamed up against me. One personality against four. Knox now knows his place. With me, at least. But you? It's going to be challenging. Because communication is minimal on your part. I haven't met you properly. And I need to. I wish he would switch to you when I was there, So at least there's a chance of stopping you. He was right today. What if this happens over and over again? He is helpless to stop it. He's done all he can. He hid everything sharp Everything that could possibly work. But you still managed it, didn't you? And that was the work of a blade. I know. I'm an expert when it comes to that. You're so devious. He searched the house. The whole damn house And nothing. You are the same. fucking. person. It would have to be somewhere he knew. Unless he's lying to me. Unless this is all a ploy It can't be stopped. Unless he goes into hospital which I know none of you will agree to. I'm not sure how many times it will take I'm not sure how long I can hold out. And I know that it's my fault. He said 'I promise that if you relapse, I will do it but ten times worse.' Thank you for fulfilling that. It's fucking fantastic. All of you need to stop torturing him. You're part of him so surely you care. He's trying so hard to recover. I can see it in his eyes All that pain. Not just for me but for himself. He didn't want to slice up his legs. It was you. It's always been you. I'm marrying this man. I know it sounds crazy But it's happening Because he's the one thing right now That makes me feel anything. And nothing will take him away from me Not even you, or Corey, or Geeky. Not even Knox.

Mar 08 2015, 03:04 PM

Really not doing so well. Feel like I'm on the edge again. There's only one thing that will keep me sane right now But I can't. So I guess I'll just have to fall.

Mar 07 2015, 04:45 PM

Hello Knox Apparently you want to talk to me Nicely done. Now Mark's talking about trying to force you to come out That's what you wanted isn't it? If he keeps switching to you You'll take over. Well played. Maybe it's because we're doing drugs again That it's got this bad. Why are you doing this? Why did you write that note? That's not how I wanted it. I never wanted to bring Corey into this. I just wanted you to leave Why can't you leave? I can't believe he's putting both of us at risk So that you can talk to me I mean, at the rate things are going You'll come out on your own soon. But putting us at risk like that? You could hurt him or me. I doubt you'll talk to me You're not the talking kind. I keep pretending to him That I'm fine That you didn't scare me so much But the truth is I am scared. Scared of what you do to him What you make him do. And if you take over God knows. Because he was the one I fell in love with. I can't lose him. I need to lose you.

Mar 06 2015, 04:28 PM

How quickly it took To get back to the start. Starting school again. Too overwhelming. I need to deal with this somehow but I can't. I don't have the money. And there's other methods That are obviously out of the question. These meds Are scaring me Is this me? Is this my real personality? Because I don't feel the same anymore. I feel angry all the damn time. Random highs and extreme lows. People call it progress. I feel it's more of a diversion. Or a change. I can't make sense of it. When they said I couldn't leave school at all Until I was picked up. That really took the piss. Because I need. to. smoke. It's the only thing I have left. Even the scars aren't as visible now. And I hate it. I hate to feel that I've recovered. Because it's like I'm pretending. I'm lying that I'm fixed. I need people to see that I'm not. I need them to see the confusion of emotions But no one can ever see it. No one can see inside my head. And I really, really need them to.

Mar 05 2015, 05:35 PM

Dear Knox Hello again. I know we've only met a couple of times but I hate you. I really, really hate you. It's not because you tried to kill me today. I know you won't. Mark won't let you. He's stronger than any of you lot give him credit for. I'm scared. I'm not scared for myself though, I'm scared for him. Because even though he doesn't want me near you, I'd rather be there than leave the two of you alone in a room together. Everyone else is so wrong, aren't they? They think he self harms. I used to think that too, until he told me about you four. But the truth is that you hurt him, don't you? You and Slashy. That's why he didn't remember those times. Didn't remember how he got those cuts. You want to take it out on me now. Today it took him a while to switch to you. I don't know what that shows. That would imply that he's getting bad again, especially as it's your first appearance since June. But he's getting better, and you know why don't you? Because you didn't wait until I stopped breathing. You stopped. You let go. He was trying to control you and you know it. Please leave his head. Please, please, please leave him. He's been through so much. You need to get out. You need to leave him alone. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to have you. I'm scared you'll hurt him, or hurt someone else. I don't want you re surfacing around my little sister, or later around our children. The thing is I am helpless. If I hurt you I hurt Mark. And I can't do that. I mean seriously, whilst you were squeezing my neck I just lay there. I did nothing. And that's the scariest thing of all. I won't hurt you I won hurt him So I would let you kill me.

Dec 21 2014, 07:09 PM

Trigger warning- ED. It's like every mouthful contaminates me. It's like I can feel myself gaining weight. Maybe it's because of that high I get when I don't eat. Or maybe I just need you to see that im not ok.

Dec 20 2014, 12:53 PM

Trigger warning, ED. I guess I just need a place to let my feelings out. Because that's how it all started. And I don't know anyone on here, so if I get judged it won't matter. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. It's so painful but so wonderful at the same time. And I felt as if I was in control again, like when I was cutting. But I always have these things taken away from me. You took away my outlet. So I found this. And now it's controlling me. I don't know what to do, whether I eat or not I lose. I cant talk to you about it. Because everyone makes me eat. Mum made me eat chicken and I ate some but chewed most of it up and spat it out into a tissue when she wasn't looking. Why do I feel so fat, so bloated? I just want it to all come out. I don't want it. I feel like a failure.

Nov 25 2014, 04:07 PM

If you really loved me You would not have pressured me into it. You think it's fine because it's not the first time you've done it. I said I felt ill and not in the mood. You still went ahead. Fine, I did say 'go ahead' in the end. But I still didn't want it. I don't know if that makes it my fault. But even if it is, you still used blackmail. You said 'When you don't have sex with me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved.' How do you think I felt after that? I'v told no one. I told you not to worry about it. But I don't know how much longer I can keep the relationship going. If you carry on not respecting my feelings. I know it's a stress release for you. I know it makes you feel better. But I don't always feel up to it. I want someone who I can cuddle with, who I can spend the night together with without any sex. But I feel that's why you stayed with me. The amount of times you were going to end it, you didn't. It feels like you don't love me.