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Carmen Avila
30 / Female / Silent Hill., United States
Bisexual / Single
Member since:
May 19, 2013
Last online:
Apr 08, 2015
im Carmen. Talk to me and stuff? Can people just completely evolve into a whole different person or is it just growing up? do you believe the young us would never be the present us? I feel like I’ve lost myself. when I was younger I was such a bubbly person. constantly laughing and smiling, always making jokes and just having fun with life. now I only do those things sometimes. I find myself easily irritated with people and the small things that they do. I let it completely change my mood for a long period of time, and I hate that. I wanna figure out where the fück I went wrong ‘cause shït in my world ain’t been right for so long. I feel like my “friends” use me for so much. either they know they’re doing it or not, it hurts. I feel like they come to me for “favors” because they know I’ll do it. yes, I have a big heart but I just feel like I’m not a factor, I’m just there until someone needs me. I just don’t know what the fück is wrong with me. why am I not happy anymore? why do these emotions completely take over my mind and travel them to such dark thoughts? who am I? or better yet, who have I become? I’m in a weird mood, there’s no reason that I can point out to why I feel like this right now, I just woke up from my nap and didn’t feel alive. now a days, I’m so to myself. maybe it’s because I know people don’t really care, but uggh. why is it that I’m so comfortable and willing to talk around everyone else’s family and parents but my own? I feel like every time my parents talk I just get irritated. I know it shouldn’t be that way, they gave me everything I have but…. maybe it was my up bringing? my parents were never the kind I could joke around with and come home from school and tell them about my day, or just… I just feel like other people’s parents know what’s going on in their kids life and they’re active in it and their kids are comfortable joking with them and telling them stuff. when my parents ask me questions, I just get irritated like why does it matter? or why do you want to know? they judge. but I wish I had that friend in a parent. my room is where I spend most of my hours at home. completely shutting out everyone. My brother and sister are two steps away from my room and I hardly say three words to them all day. I like being alone, but sometimes I wish MY family was the family that took vacations together, had people over random nights and played games. my friends could show unannounced, just a brighter light in my life. I dont know, I’m un happy with so much but whatever I guess. maybe happiness is something we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. no matter what.
