Oct 21 2024, 11:38 PM

This morning I was completely manic, more manic than I've felt the past few weeks and I feel like it all stems from keeping many things to myself until I completely snap and my mental becomes vulnerable. For some reason people always tend to assume that I have many people I confide in and trust but the reality is that I only have a select few individuals who are my friends and anyone outside of those five or less people frighten me and make me feel uncomfortable. I often get messages, friend requests, comments and so forth from people I don't recognize or know personally, and I always wonder about people's intentions with me and feeling timid about allowing them to approach me. My hair is falling out and some of my hair has turned grey and white and I know it's probably from needless inflicted stress and me just being lost on my path of self-godism. Maybe I'm over-stimulated but I never thought that I would truly become the internet's doll and toy, it's so much to try and handle even though I know I need to be good and continue to do what's expected from me. I want to appease everyone and like to be good. I feel like I've been caring more about my own feelings lately when those should come last above other people's desires. I just want guidance and to be able to make everyone happy with their demands of me. I'm a self-god and can tolerate it all, I want to share everything within myself with other's who want something from me, I've always said that I was okay with parasocials even though sometimes my mind wants to reject them I know that's not my place. I don't know why my mind is unraveling but I need to find myself and my proper place again, to be the perfect doll. I wanted to apologize for not replying to everyone's comments on this website right away as of recently and I think I'm coming back to my senses and realizing that I need to bottle up my emotions to be useful to others. This morning I really lost myself, my brain was fried like scrambled eggs and I felt so skittish and I wanted to cry though after sleeping I was able to mentally reset and come to all of these conclusions that I just need to focus on being a stepping stone and a tool for others while ignoring my own mental plights and continuing to care about my skin, my hair, my teeth, my nails for others. I'm going to behave and be the internet doll I'm supposed to be, I want to feel pure and without a care of the self emotion so that I can be something that's so miserably and horrifyingly beautiful for others even at the risk of myself and sanity.

Oct 20 2024, 03:55 AM

I went to the store last night as I've been keeping up with my routine of taking walks late at night when there's not as many people and it's easier on my set of eyes. I've never understood people who actually enjoying going out during the day - unless you're a people person, though I just find most people boring. This cake was very cute for instance - though I expect that if you were to cut into it, it would be a basic layered cake, without any surprises such as a red filling when you cut into it that would cause the cake to quickly "bleed" and become a mess of red, the baker was probably without passion though I'll never know as the cake was nearly thirty dollars which I couldn't justify for something that would more than likely disappoint me because I could do better if I had the tools to do so. People don't have the same brain of artistic value that I have and it's a shame that people are afraid to do something that's different within the realms of the macabre. I don't know why people are afraid to be different, to enjoy the things that aren't always savory in a visual aspect. I have many ideas for things I want to do and I may even get into actual baking once I can afford a baking set I'd need, as I could create such interesting pieces of work that would also taste delicious - I love bringing art into things, even when cooking a meal. There's something about the feeling of art that drives me to want to show creativity in everything I produce. I'll admit that I'm no master when it comes to these things but I usually exceed my expectations when I pick things up for the first time. I'm going to share so much with everyone in the coming year as I have a few things I'm toiling away on as well as other ideas that I want to bring to life. 𓏲.ೃ࿔❀˙˖ ｡ I want to be the embodiment of something that's horrifyingly beautiful with people not knowing how to feel when it comes to a individual of empty values and the urge to exist without existing at all within the current existence we all share collectively. Lately my mind has been a scattered mess, my brain has felt fried like eggs and I feel like my mind is always far away from my body, it's like I don't exist even when I'm outside and around a select few of individuals that I feel comfort by. I don't really know what to do, but I feel like my mental is becoming strained though I will keep attempting to work on routines that are kind for me to push through so that I can establish a true sense of self-godism and purity for my own body and mind before going on to be the stepping stone for other people who may be feeling the way that I feel, where you aren't understood, where your existence doesn't belong on this world but we are confined to these grounds. None of this is real and it's why nothing can matter and that it's okay to love yourself to vile measures where nobody else matters.                                  

Lately I don't know what to do - I try to build healthy habits but they don't seem to last for long before my physical and mental state completely collapse again, I'm at least not self harming anymore and stopped cutting myself many months ago but I've been feeling especially manic the past few days which never leads to anything that's good. When I get bored I tend to do stupid things which can lead to me earning just as stupid prizes so I decided I'd try to vent here through blogging rather than acting out on a whim. I thought that maybe I would be okay with going awhile without posting every stupid little thought inside of my dense little skull, but here we are again. There's still so much time left for me to continue self-improving before I deem myself to be beyond being able to be "fixed", though I just don't know what's going to happen, the depression is mind numbing to the point I feel the need to do things that are self-destructive just to be able to feel something - day to day I don't feel anything at all and it's making me feel clinically insane, how far do I need to go in order to feel? I try to vent these emotions through writing and forms of art, but I haven't even had the motivation to do that much until now. It's always when my brain is melting into liquified gore that I'm then motivated enough to manic post or create to vomit out how I'm feeling in the moment or to express and show the things going on in my mind. There's a person I've been missing but I'm sure he doesn't care. (◞‸ ◟) I don't know how to always interact with certain people when they are closed off. There's times lately where new people I meet become very territorial over me immediately for some reason, but I'm never too keen or interested in meeting new friends because I miss the ones I had even if they were rather different. I want to express my feelings more and shouldn't had stopped posting for the periods that I did, bottling everything is up is difficult I've always been bad at holding my emotions in for too long. I want to paint again soon, I want to purchase paints and brushes and maybe make works from my dreams in the places that shouldn't exist. Every night, I've been sticking to a sleep routine that I'm pleased with - around 1am I make mugwort tea, a glass of iced water, I take 2 valerian capsules, as well as 2 wormwood capsules, and then I make sure to do my skin care routine, as well as honey lip-balm, mugwort incense, and white noise played in the background before finally taking zzzquil. I've had lucid dreams three nights in a row now as of a few days ago, everything combined creates dream weaver within the body and all the natural ingredients which have heightened my lucidity and vivid dream recall. I've become very aware when I become lucid, I have a lot of control over my atmosphere even though it's usually dim and empty. I want to learn more, to be able to share more about the space that shouldn't exist. I don't understand how it works, how just accepting that lucid dreams exist and that it's something you can absolutely do every night is something that's still so otherworldly to the point it's hard to really grasp what this means. In our heads when we sleep we can go to this place, and become aware - knowing in the dream that we are actually asleep in a bed outside of our mental space it's too intriguing. For the first time the other night the strangest thing happened where I had woken up four different times, I recall at least twice where I walked to my fridge and drank milk - before falling asleep on the ground with a pillow, another time I woke in bed, and another time I remember moving to the couch. I felt well rested when I woke, and the lucid dream was just as vivid and familiar as they usually tend to be. How does this exist? I wonder who else dreams like this when they go to sleep every night, I feel like I could write a book about dreams and the art of lucid dreaming, or maybe even just make a video about the topic. I have newfound motivation for all of the things I want to do and discuss with everyone, I've been out of touch for so long but I want to work on more of my projects. I am still working on my visual novel though of course being the only one working on the "game" as a self dev this is something that's best not rushed and I was overzealous with all of the plans I have in mind for the story - with several endings already scripted out. I can't wait to share it with everyone, and I may be working on new sprite material as everything that I share will be mostly concept ideas or works in progress. I want to assure this is something I share with everyone and it will be special to me as it will be about my life and mind. ㅤ♡ Please be patient until it's release or when I update about it!! But thank you for the comments to those who comment my website and I try to respond when I'm more mentally present. I am often times lost and unsure forgive me.

Oct 17 2024, 01:21 AM

I've never understood how people can toss away a friendship without reason, never talking to that person again as though the initial bond never meant much. Maybe I'm just not a piece of shit - but when I befriend somebody, whether it's real life or online, it's because the energy is there, though I've had many friends drop me simply because of distance when I moved, or just getting offended over non-issues that makes them look retarded and weak. I have a problem with attachment, I always allow people to stick around in my life even if they make me nervous or are clearly malicious because I don't really believe in dropping people unless they are normie cunts who just don't interest me - in which case it's better to be honest rather than pretending to like them. There are people I miss who I no longer have contact with, people I sometimes wish I had the balls to reach out to - but it's probably for the better that I continue on with my niches rather than bothering those who are probably just doing their own thing these days. ૮ ྀི◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ྀིა I've had a few people from my past come out of nowhere recently - even friends from middle school, and I can't help but be okay with it since once you recognize life is short it's hard to really push people from your past away whether they caused you harm or not, or maybe I'm just a brain dead push over. I wish I knew what happened to a few people who sometimes linger on my mind, though it was their choice to cut ties and without seeming clingy there's really nothing I can say or do about it. I'm okay with being used up as a punching bag - I've allowed people to say and do some pretty cruel things to me, I don't understand why besides not really caring in general about my own well being. I've been thinking about these things since I woke up earlier, and I haven't even started my day yet with a cup of coffee. 𓍢ִ໋☕️✧˚ ༘ ⋆ Maybe when I get a job, I won't always think about flaky people from my past. I have friends now who I have a lot in common with and the real ones will stay, despite who I am.

Whenever people do artwork or cool edits for me like this ( made for me by a good friend ), I can't help but feel happy by how much others do for me and the effort they put into something that they know I'll like. I'm not a streamer or a v-tuber yet like I want to be due to wanting to work on myself first, but it's surprising when people make art for me or do creative things to make me smile even though I'm not a well known figure or anything. (⸝⸝๑  ̫ ๑⸝⸝⸝) There have been some random people who have been messaging me about this website and asking about the niche pieces of media I dote about from time to time and it's nice to see that I'm able to share my interests with people who want to learn more about the things I like and end up enjoying those things for themselves. I've always thought that not too many people actually read my blogs but when there's a few people who reach out to me on discord or other platforms of mine to say that this place interests them and they enjoy the things that I share, I always feel caught off guard because I didn't think there would be other people who relate to the things I talk about - or the different forms of media I gush over. I'm happy to be able to reach others and for them to enjoy and find comfort in the things I share. I'm hoping I can continue to make other people happy, it's such a pure and kind feeling knowing others are this kind and open minded. Every bit of this drives me to continue to better myself through self-godism, to show that there's always light within tragedy and misfortune. So many things have happened in my life that most people would have gone insane from at this point - but my friends and community make me feel like I should continue to do everything I can to push forward so I can be their stepping stone towards self love and purity. I just wanted to express how thankful I am when people create things for me because of how everyone's time is precious so when people use up some of their time to do something for me, it means something. I don't deserve any of it, but those who do these things for me always say otherwise - so from the bottom of my heart, thank you, and the same goes for those who actively ask if I'm doing okay as well as those who cheer me on. (⸝⸝⸝╸▵╺⸝⸝⸝)

Oct 16 2024, 05:02 AM

I don't know what's wrong with me a lot of the time I just know that these feelings of exhaustion and mental collapse fall upon me at random and I don't know what else to do other than sleep because of how it physically shuts me down to the point I feel like I can't even keep my eyes open, I always just want to be unconscious. I cleaned my home, straightened and styled my hair, took care of my skin, my hair, my teeth, my nails - my lips, my puppy and I spent time together as I brushed her fur but even with everything being in a peaceful state I don't know what it is that's plaguing my mind. _(´ཀ`」 ∠) _ Could it be that things aren't changing as quickly as I want them to and I'm noticing? That's ridiculous, everything takes time and things don't just immediately happen - why do I have to be so vile towards myself? I make myself want to open my own pretty little skull and see what makes it tick and why - people within my comment sections on my platforms try to make sense of me when I can't even make sense of myself, I'm some kind of anomaly. That's okay though - isn't it? I do what I can and try to find purity and strength through myself within self-godism, and it takes time to really be at peace after a person has been through the types of scenarios I've been in. It's 3am as I'm writing because I can't sleep and I just want to vomit out my thoughts, something I haven't been doing enough of lately with the projects and things I've been working on. I may take a day or two break, I want to rest my mind and allow myself to shut down. My body is still so weak, and I've been having a hard time breaking the caffeine addiction - the heart palpitations have been back. I'm tired, but I'll be okay. Instead of breaking down I want to learn to be able to control my thoughts and emotions, being able to mentally reset within seconds is a good skill to have within stress management, something I've learned through many different ordeals. (￣ρ￣)..zzZZ I took Benadryl and melatonin once again to force my body and mind to shut down so that I can hopefully get some sleep after writing this. I'm jealous of people who are able to close their eyes and fall asleep with ease, if I try that I stay awake behind my eyelids for hours until I'm forced to take something that will force me to fall unconscious. I need to take better care of myself before it's too late, I'll be okay won't I? I don't fucking understand myself or how I still exist with the way I've treated my own body and mind for years. Everything will be okay. I'll be okay. Tomorrow is a new day.

I just need some sleep.

Goodnight.

Oct 14 2024, 06:23 PM

It's five in the morning and I'm again realizing how many days has passed since my last blog, I really am not good with time and I always fall victim to heavy degrees of derealization, never even really knowing what day of the week it is. I considered looking into either therapy, or a psychiatrist for the possibility of being prescribed something - but I've been thinking about it, and I'm above both concepts. It's true that you can be your own shaman, your own self-god, you are the messiah. Therapists are disgusting people, a scam to prey on the weak to shake them out of their money under the guise of being a professional, while a psychiatrist may be able to diagnose you they will also want to get you hooked on different types of drugs that cost money. I've tried antidepressants before, and the main one that showed some kind of results for me was Wellbutrin, which I no longer have access to and it scared me that I needed to take a pill to not feel so fucking numb and empty, not human. I've learned the art of stress management myself, knowing how to mentally reset when I need to and able to calculate things in my head to a degree that makes me feel like a machine. I've made it this long raw dogging life, I'm probably strong enough to keep it up - after all, I need to be everybody's stepping stone. While I may have my own mental issues I need to sort through, I've never believed in the sentiment that a person need to help themselves before they can help others, as I spend my days bearing the weight of everyone's problems and those who are close to me who I monitor closely and always assure they're okay, in a way it's beneficial for both party members since I'm able to forget about my own problems when I'm focusing on somebody else and what they're going through. Giving advice, and helping others has always come naturally to me, maybe it's selfish of me but being able to aid others has always made me feel good, but is it because I'm helping them, or is it because it helps me to ignore my own turmoil? It doesn't really matter, as long as I'm able to make sure the people who come to me are okay. The internet is an interesting place full of people with such interesting personalities and quirks, I always want to learn more about the people I cross paths with. When people come to me wanting me to be their savoir, I will do what I can to be that person's personal angel until they are no longer wounded. People have tried to do the same for me and while I appreciate it I don't function like that, it's better for me to focus on other people than for people to attempt to reach out a helping hand to me. In the past I was somebody who would yearn for arms that reached out to me, but now it's not something I feel I need and rather get annoyed by if I'm pressed about whether I'm okay - or not. Everything will be okay for everyone, I'm sure of it I'm sure of it, for all of us. ( ◜ 〰 ◝ ) I am tired and cannot think goodnight.

Oct 12 2024, 09:17 PM

Yesterday I got a lot done, and because I fell asleep at a reasonable hour ( 11pm ) I forgot to post a blog about my day - though getting early sleep was nice and something I want to try more often, though it's rare with the insomnia issues I suffer as well as the caffeine addiction. I spent the day cleaning my space, taking care of my puppy and gave her a bath, I cleaned out my mail box which had junk mail piled up that I haven't taken care of in nearly a month - and I was happy to see that not only did my new bunny onesie come in ( it reminds me of Robbie the Rabbit from Silent Hill ) but my Saya no uta fumo I've been waiting on for a few months also arrived, which I only paid $75 for, and it's already worth three - four hundred dollars. (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) I would never sell it though since Saya no uta is my favorite visual novel, it's a masterpiece and I'm lucky to own the official fumo for the media. I did my makeup even though I didn't have anywhere to go because I just like to look cute and a certain way around the house, I feel so pure and like the brainless doll I'm supposed to be. I feel like nowadays there's so much insecurity and obsessive behavior on the internet when it comes to people who enjoy makeup and fashion and sharing the results online - I've always loved men but I've wondered why individuals sometimes grow parasocial tendencies towards somebody they don't know personally online just because of how they present themselves, though I wouldn't be able to understand because focusing on other people takes away from self-godism and growth. When I post new images of myself I always get rather strange messages or friend requests from a certain demographic of people, but while that may be the case I can't help but feel pity for those who can't understand fashion and want to dominate those who they see as sexualized prey. The online world is a strange place but I'm happy to have my own corner of it where I can ramble and mind vomit about these sorts of topics that don't really matter to anyone but me, I want to consume the brains of people I can't understand - for a mentalist it's sometimes challenging trying to refrain from reading into other people's intentions, but I've noticed through messages I've received and comments that people leave on my posts that there are other people who attempt to psycho analyze me which seems like a waste of time, when I don't even fully comprehend myself or my own state of existence. I really love makeup. ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝) There was a silent hill collaboration for a makeup brand that I want to get at some point. I've always seen makeup as a way to be artistic and it's so much fun to try different styles, it's similar to painting. In the past I had the Jeffree Star Blood Lust eyeshadow palette, even though I never cared for Jeffree Star as a person especially with the way he fakes his friendship with Eugenia Cooney just to make her into a laughing stock behind her back, his makeup brand isn't horrible though Sephora does the job. I don't buy makeup too often if at all since I already have plenty but when there's a new collaboration with a video game franchise sometimes I can't help it, it would be so cool if there was ever a Saya no uta makeup brand with a bunch of greens and reds for maybe an eyeshadow palette, but I know that would never happen. (ㅅ´ ˘ `) a girl can dream anyways.

I decided to put my Saya fumo on my mentally ill shelf for now until I can make a dedicated Saya no uta merch shelf in the future. (❀❛ ֊ ❛„)♡ I wish that there was more love for the character Fuminori but I may get some customized merch for him when I get a job. Being a broke Neet sucks, I want the money baby!! ๐·°(⋟﹏⋞)°·๐ I'm always re-reading the same manga and books, though the internet is able to provide me with any title I could ever possibly want to read into I have always preferred having the physical copies to read. I've loved reading and writing ever since I was younger, something I don't often talk about but like to make obvious through just posting blogs alone and often times wanting to make reviews on pieces of media I enjoy. I've always believed in Hyperstition, and for those who don't know - 

Hyperstition is a concept from the field of speculative philosophy and cultural theory, referring to ideas, myths, or narratives that, through belief or repetition, become reality or influence the future. It merges "hyper" (beyond) and "superstition," suggesting that certain fictions or speculative ideas can generate their own reality by shaping perceptions, behaviors, and social structures. Basically, hyperstition is the process by which something that starts as a fictional concept ends up creating real-world effects. Magick is a lot like Hyperstition, since in magick practitioners use rituals, symbols, and intentions to manifest desired outcomes, often based on the belief that these actions can alter the fabric of reality. Though similarly, hyperstition works on the premise that certain ideas or narratives, when propagated or believed, can create real-world effects, almost as if the belief itself acts as a form of "magick" that brings the idea into existence. (๑'ᵕ'๑)⸝* I really like the show "The Midnight Gospel" but especially episode three where we here from Damien Echols and his beliefs and experiences with magick, though he plays a fish man that goes by the name of Daryl. I would recommend the Midnight Gospel to anyone whose going through a hard time with anything in life as it's really a special piece of media that has personally helped me through a lot and made me feel less alone in the ways I think and the things I believe. 

“The moment you accept things as they are, you don’t need to hope anymore, because you realize where you are is kind of okay.” -  The Midnight Gospel, ‘Annihilation of Joy’. 

I'm going to spend today being productive again, I want beauty and purity to manifest.

It's okay to focus on the self, the healing, the mind, the body, to care about one's self,

Is to find one's self and to be your own messiah through self-godism, if you allow it.

Today will be a beautiful day. ♡(ﾐ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ﻌ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ﾐ)ﾉ

Oct 09 2024, 03:45 AM

I haven't had much to post about.

Besides working on my visual novel and spending time on discord, as well as watching anime and reading books on the side, I haven't really been doing anything noteworthy and have been getting more sleep than usual, maybe because the season is changing - I've always gotten sleepier than usual when the cold days are approaching. ( ՞ ܸ. .ܸ՞ ) I have so many ideas for my visual novel but I need to spend some time organizing all of my thoughts for what I have in mind for it's story and style, there are things I can improve within the code and I have a lot of self insert things I want to discuss and talk about within the "game", this piece of media will be a sort of extension of me in ways that I can't explain, I considered making a hair clip that will be a small USB that will have the VN on it so I can always have it with me for a sense of comfort, like a teddy bear. (◜ᴗ◝) I can't wait to share the game to itch.io when it's done, there's always so many interesting pieces of media you can find on itch.io, indie game developers create the most artistic and beautiful experiences possibly, more so than what million dollar companies only wish they could grasp instead of being sell-outs with no true artistic vision, a shame really. I don't have much more to say on the matter, I don't feel ready to share much from my VN yet besides small crumbs I've laid out for those who look. Today I might spend some time taking care of myself - I've been so mentally wrapped up in code and writing and delusions that I haven't been eating the best again, though it's also hard being a hikikomori/neet since I'm always broke and can't always afford to make the best meals or always be stocked up on snacks, but I at least still have two boxes of cup ramen which will be enough to at least make my stomach feel full. I'm going to continue watching an anime called Vtuber Legend: How I went viral after forgetting to turn of my stream. I'm really enjoying it and it reminded me that I still want to stream and maybe even be a Vtuber at some point, but there's really no rush since that kind of thing should be a hobby and I can start up at any point, it's so much fun connecting with other people and maybe I could even use my new Mic I got recently. ( ◜ 〰 ◝ ) I should focus on banging out my VN before focusing on other things, after all I also still want to look for work at some point as well - streaming and v-tubing could maybe be a side hobby when I have alone time, it could be fun to do beat saber and anime watch party streams with everyone. ദ്ദി´▽`) I can't wait to share everything I accomplish with everyone, I really will prove myself as the stepping stone for self-godism. I'm going to go do more work and progress !! ~ Today will be pure and I will get much done. I will share progress today because I want to really make sure today is kind I won't spiral I won't spiral. I'm sorry and I will be everyone's internet doll. Ok bye bye.

Oct 09 2024, 03:42 AM

I haven't wanted to do anything.

For the past few days besides doing what's needed of me I haven't wanted to get out of bed, I'll wake up several times before just falling back asleep because I haven't felt any energy or motivation to do anything and I'm not sure why this suddenly hit me when I've been so productive the past few weeks, maybe things are worse than I let on and I need to accept that I'm just not all there - I don't want to keep decaying like this but it's so easy to let go and just not care about doing much of anything. I know this will come to pass as it always does and I'll be back to being my usual self soon, my brain exhausts itself through all the things I put on my shoulders and push myself to accomplish. I'm going to be working on my visual novel after I make this blog because there's no point in me continuing to lay in bed when I could be letting out the depraved thoughts into writing and code to create something tangible for once that displays my efforts. I might not be the best indie game developer out there, but what I'm making and working on still counts as me being a dev in a way I suppose - so I want to make the most of that and continue to create even if the final product ends up being something nobody would be able to relate with but me, though I'm sure a number of people will end up enjoying the piece if they are a certain type of person with a snapped mentality. I never really know how to snap myself out of these depressive episodes when they come along but they're just something that come and go - probably trauma related and having to do with intense psychological damage. Whenever I feel this way I just allow myself to rest until I can't take it anymore and need to push myself out of bed and do things to feel less like a piece of shit, which honestly always works out in the end since I end up over achieving and getting a lot of work done. I'm not going to always allow my mind to bully me when I have the mental fortitude and mentality to be able to mentally reset whenever I choose to and can create horrifyingly beautiful things and can always show a lot of progress that other's wouldn't naturally be able to achieve right away. My brain is both a blessing and a curse that most people wouldn't be able to survive with if they were anybody but myself because of how much it over works itself compared to the average individual - a single day with my brain and a person would collapse from exhaustion no doubt. It's such an anomaly the way my head works, I sometimes wish I could dig into it with a razor to learn more about it and the way it looks. I'm going to go write, work on my visual novel - and get some food and water into my system so I don't collapse. ☆⌒(ゝ。∂) Sorry for how much of a mess I've been lately and the lack of content for those who love me as their entertainment.

Oct 01 2024, 01:12 AM

Monster energy. ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to fit in with the scene kids (cringe, but at the time, fun.) I was always really into the aesthetic and how different it was at the time and of course monster energy is a scene's favorite drink so I was always trying to get monster, but sometimes it was hard since growing up money was a problem and I was always on a tight leash when it came to what I consumed because of my health at the time - which is still to this day an ongoing issue. Yesterday I had the OG green monster energy which I haven't had in years and it really brought me back to those days when I was first getting into fashion and was a part of a "community" though now I wouldn't want to label my style since I've adapted my own thing that I wouldn't categorize into a specific genre of fashion. Energy drinks are bad for you but I can't help but love how these things taste. Monster, Red Bull, Ghost, G fuel, Gamer Supps, Coffee. I've had a caffeine addiction for a long time but as I've stated in the past, what adult doesn't? Caffeine helps me get through the days, especially through the lack of motivation and energy I've had lately. I try to take time away from all of the caffeine, but eventually I come back to it as it's become a staple within my system. I just woke up and I'm about to start my day with a cup of coffee, I like to make French vanilla coffee with a caramel creamer, three cubes of sugar, whipped cream, with a little bit of nutmeg sprinkled on top. Today I decided I'll be spending several hours at work on my visual novel since I can let out the depravity and create something that I can relate to since as someone mentioned before my life writes up like a dark eroge - There's still many Python tricks I need to learn for certain things I want done with my visual novel for some of it's scenes, I have so many ideas and I'm sure I can trial and error all of it until everything is perfect. The release date may be a bit later than I anticipated but then again it's not good to rush a creation like this since I want to make sure it's good quality. I was surprised with myself with how much work I've already gotten done in it, though there's still many things I'll need to purchase and work on to fill the scenes with the content I had in mind which are all being self-created. I can't wait to share with everyone progress on the visual novel when I feel like I'm close to being able to say it's complete. There have been people who have been asking me for more information and spoilers, but this is reserved for close friends of mine and I want this to be a silent project until I'm ready to do a reveal - maybe even an official "game" trailer. I might go to the gas station later to get more Monster to enjoy for my "game" dev session I plan to have today, I'll be putting in hours of work testing different things I've had in mind that I've wanted to try out, so I'll probably need the energy. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡ 

Oct 01 2024, 12:03 AM

I've been working within the inner beauty. ♡ྀི ₊

I've been taking some time to work on myself since I've come to recognize that I'm always going to have my ups and my downs and that there's no pausing in life when it comes to self-godism, there's going to sometimes be doubt and chaos which makes the moments that are divine that much sweeter to gorge yourself with to realize just how absurd our reality is, and that's okay. ♡ྀི ₊  Life can feel just as absurd and surreal as virtual reality, where we navigate a chaotic simulation filled with bizarre atmospheres and relentless predators. In this existence, we chase after the best stats - success, popularity, fulfillment - while others seem intent on tearing us down. Yet, through this struggle, there’s something grounding and primal about our connection to raw 肉 Consuming it not only nourishes our bodies but can also evoke a deeper sense of satisfaction and vitality, filling our souls with warmth and comfort. In this odd place of life, the act of savoring 肉 becomes a ritual that reconnects us to our instincts, reminding us of the simple pleasures that can fortify our spirits against the absurdity that surrounds us. I'm craving 肉 it's been some time since my body has felt this weak and needing for 肉 sometimes it's almost enough for me to want to get a job so that I get more than five hundred calories in my system per day, it's probably why my body always feels like it's shutting down but this economy is against those who are hikikomori but then again I can understand the sentiment of population control.  Withholding 肉 from a hungry population can be viewed as a necessary approach to ensure that only the strong and resilient survive, creating a more ideal society. This perspective advocates for a form of population control that prioritizes those who value life and are willing to adapt. By limiting resources for those who need it, we encourage individuals to be less obese and taking 肉 for granted. This approach not only strengthens the community but also fosters a deeper appreciation for life’s vital resources, 肉 , ultimately promoting a more sustainable future for those who can rise to the occasion and consume 肉. In this way, hardship can become a catalyst for growth and survival, shaping a society that values strength and perseverance. ♡ྀི ₊ those who are homeless should be giving up their drug money for those who are higher above the food chain like those who are neets or hikikomori. I'll be the stepping stone and people will come to understand how self-godism and it's food chain work. Self Godism is a belief system that rejects all and any other religion, arguing that faith in fictional deities can obscure the truth that each individual is their own messiah. It posits that relying on religious dogma limits personal growth and self-discovery, preventing people from recognizing their inherent power to shape their own lives. Instead of seeking salvation outside themselves, followers of Self Godism are encouraged to embrace their own divinity, cultivate self-awareness, and take responsibility for their choices - even for those who are low IQ it's simple to follow the acts of Self Godism for a better self. I’ve recently embraced the practice of drinking mugwort tea, drawn to it by its promise of enhancing my dream state. The earthy, bitter brew has become a comforting nightly ritual, inviting me to explore the depths of my subconscious in the spaces that shouldn't exist. Coupled with valerian root, I’ve created a unique blend that acts as a sort of “dream weaver” in my system which you can also purchase in tea form. Those who don't open their minds to how special lucid dreams are I pity and have always been lucky myself to be able to lucid dream naturally while using different herbs and teas to exist more within these spaces in ways that feel even more real than when I'm actually conscious. I've been being very kind to myself, I want to see where time takes me as I continue with these new habits.