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Cold was my soulUntold was the painI faced, when you left meA rose in the rain So I swore to the razorThat never, enchainedWould your dark nails of faithBe pushed through my veins again Nymphetamine, by Cradle of Filth

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soEmo.co.uk - Emo Kids - LucideKitten

LucideKitten
[Site Model]

Lauren Lucidity
23 / Female / Colorado, United States
Straight / Single
Member since: Jul 31, 2013
Last online: Oct 01, 2014

Current rating: No rating yet/10 (0 votes cast)

About Me

Hey guys!!!
My name is Lauren, and I really like making new friends so feel free to add me or comment and we can get to know eachother!
I am very nice and caring and I will accept anyone with an open heart cause I do not judge. I have gone through quite a bit lately, im not going to lie. I am here for all of you.

I enjoy dying hair and doing my makeup. I also love to write and do artwork. I like hanging out with people (dont have many friends though...) Music is my heart and soul, and I would not be here without it.

I must warn you that I am awkward. If I act weird around you, I probably like you. im also really depressed and stuff. im scared to open up to many people though cause I have been burned badly in the past. Maybe I could meet someone here that won't just drop me like a hot potato because I need extra love and support.

I am currently 15 years old, but I am very intelligent and mature. I take college classes and know my grammar well. dont be afraid to talk to me just because im a little young.

Favourite Music

Hmm heres my ipod listing...

AFI
Alesana
All that Remains
All Time Low
Anti-Flag
As I Lay Dying
Asking Alexandria
Ballyhoo!
The Birthday Massacre
The Black Dahlia Murder
Black Veil Brides
blessthefall
Bring me the Horizon
Chelsea Grin
Chomp Chomp Attack!
Chunk! No, Captain Chunk!
Cold Forty Three
A Day to Remember
DayTrader
Depeche Mode
Disturbed
Divided by Friday
Epica
Escape the Fate
Evanescence
Every Time I Die
Eyes Set to Kill
Falling in Reverse
FireFlight
Fireworks
Five Finger Death Punch
Follow My Lead
For Today
Four Year Strong
The Ghost Inside
Halestorm
Hawthorne Heights
Hostage Calm
I am the Avalanche
I Call Fives
I Wrestled a Bear Once
Jimmy Eat World
Jukebox Romantics
A Loss For Words
Lost in Society
Make do and Mend
Man Overboard
Marilyn Manson
Matchbook Romance
Megadeth
Memphis May Fire
Miss May I
Motionless in White
Murderland
My Chemical Romance
Nailbomb
Neo Geo
New Found Glory
Nightwish
Nirvana
Of Mice & Men
Papa Roach
Paramore
Pierce the Veil
Polar Bear Club
Rise Against
Saosin
Sharks
Silverstein
Skip the Foreplay
Sleeping with Sirens
The Smiths
Story of the Year
Suicide Silence
Title Flight
Tokio Hotel
Tonight Alive
Transit
The Used
Vanna-1
We are the In Croud
We are the Ocean
Yellowcard



I dont Like...
One Direction
Big Time Rush
Blood on the Dancefloor
Brokencyde
Dot Dot curve
NIckelback
Creed
Or any of that pop rap hip hop country crap


There you go friends!!! :)



Favourite Films / TV / Books

I dons watch much TV but i really like stupid Comedy movies like Napoleon Dynamite, Scott Pilgrim, Nacho Libre, anything with Adam Sandler, Elf, and Zoolander. All those things where they're so stupid they're funny :P Hmm i really liked the Hunger Games Series and this one book called Frozen Fire was really good. I love Stephen King also. Any kind of horror is great.

Education / Occupation

im in high school. I do take college classes however. When I grow up, I want to be either an entomologist or a hairstylist.

Who I'd Like To Meet

Andy Biersack, Ashley Purdy, Christian Coma, Jake Pitts, Jinxx, Oli Sykes, Shawn Milke, ect. Pretty much any good old band member.

I also want to meet more people like me. I also want to meet a sweet, compassionate, loving guy who won't abandon me. I want someone who lives near me and understands me and my feelings. I love creative boys. Ages 15-18 is good. Older or younger, nope.

Comments (Add Comment)

Emo Pictures - xxblackteenemoxx
xxblackteenemoxx
Feb 25 2014, 07:50 AM
ur hair os so swwwet
xJTSTYLEx
Sep 22 2013, 07:51 PM
Heyyy ^.^
Emo Pictures - __Kiss_o_Death__
__Kiss_o_Death__
Aug 11 2013, 06:55 PM
hiya ^_^
Emo Pictures - __Kiss_o_Death__
__Kiss_o_Death__
Aug 10 2013, 10:14 AM
Hewwo :)
Emo Pictures - xXeMoRaCeRXx
xXeMoRaCeRXx
Aug 07 2013, 10:28 AM
Heya yea I will just been busy and we get lots of new pics every day :)
Emo Pictures - Pratikdevildead
Pratikdevildead
Aug 07 2013, 03:17 AM
Nm wbu ??
Emo Pictures - ilikecats
ilikecats
Aug 06 2013, 09:12 PM
Haha yay another person that loves cats :D /\ _ /\ (=^_^=)
breakdown0fsanityy
Aug 06 2013, 08:49 AM
Hai c:
Emo Pictures - Pratikdevildead
Pratikdevildead
Aug 06 2013, 03:24 AM
Hey
Emo Pictures - DreamFragment
DreamFragment
Aug 05 2013, 12:49 PM
Hey there c:
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- #lauren lucidity #scene hair

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Journal

Apr 03 2014, 07:57 PM
What It's Like to be Me You don’t know what it’s like when nobody understands you, And you try to make sense in the things that they do. You don’t know what it’s like to not know what to say, And rather be alone and get caught in the rain. You don’t know what it’s like to feel that nobody is the same, And that you’re just a toy in some horrible game. You don’t know what it’s like to watch your hopes crumble down, And rebuild the pieces just to be turned right around You don’t know what it’s like to drown in sorrow And hope and dream that you won’t see tomorrow You don’t know what it’s like to want to say goodbye, And doubt that anyone would even cry. You don’t know what it’s like to want to scream, But no one around you would know what it means. You don’t know what it’s like to feel dead inside, But you smile and laugh and they think you’re alive. You don’t know what it’s like to just want to cry, But everyone would turn around and wonder why. You don’t know what it’s like to have these fantasies You dream to die but no one sees. You don’t know what it’s like to start to glow, In pondering what would happen if you go. You don’t know what it’s like to want to run, But wherever you go you will find none. You don’t know what it’s like to shed a tear, Just asking yourself, “Why am I here?” You don’t know what it’s like to find beauty in death, And wonder when you can enjoy the wealth. You don’t know what it’s like to want to speak, But everything you say makes you seem weak. You don’t know what it’s like to believe, That things will never change until you leave. You don’t know what it’s like to want to be kissed But you know that you are not even missed. You don’t know what it’s like to be me, Anywhere you go there’s nothing to see.
Dec 09 2013, 10:22 PM
I'm really sorry I haven't been on in a long time. I'm going to be very vague, but I will say that my life has been hectic and I have been in a dark place. I will be on more to talk to all of you, you all help me along a lot. Cheers! <3
Sep 02 2013, 08:23 AM
Well, I guess I just wasn't good enough... I have recently developed an online relationship on here with someone who will not be named. He was acting so sweetly, but I guess he found someone new on here. It's just sad, I guess, my heart sinks. I don't understand. WHat could be wrong with me that I cannot see?
Aug 11 2013, 08:16 AM
My Own Personal Hell Nobody will ever understand the worry, the pain, and the sorrow that I am forced to experience every day of my life. Tomorrow, I will once again return to school, a personal hell where nobody will accept and everybody will judge. I will be once again choked out by the shadowy abyss where I am strangled by the words of my peers. The shouts, the taunts, the cruel acts laid upon my helpless soul, oh, who can deny? Nothing will ever turn out right. Tomorrow will be the worst, most lonley day of my life, and thers is nothing I can do, nothing I can say that will change my fate. It will be yet another day all alone, feeling empty at a table where nobody else dared to sit, where everybody is averted from my presence, where I am utterly outcast from the rest of the world. And guess what? There isn't even anything I could have done differently to make some friends. Any possible social skills I may have develped where shredded by a cloud of misery, destroyed into oblivion by the brutal acts of those vicious people around me, and now, all I am is a shell. An empty ghost no one dares to try to understand. I am solemly alone, nobody to comfort me, nobody to care. I can barely speak, and I can't even work up the courage to say hello anymore. I can't make any friends. I will be avoided by most, and the rest will do everything they can to make me miserable and break me down. Tomorrow I return, to my own personal hell called school.
Aug 05 2013, 09:10 AM
This is just a story i wrote it's long but i think its really good plz read and comment if you liked it I tell this story for times ago, ages past and memories lost. Damned am I, and damned forever. Eternities of endless wandering I must suffer... and all because I, a hopeless girl, and a foolish boy fell in love... I fiddled with my thumbs aimlessly, the crisp October breeze pricking at my arms. My blonde hair was gently blowing in the breeze like golden tendrils of flame, dancing with the setting sun. My smiling eyes were set on one thing, and one thing only... Shawn's front door. My stomach jumped when I witnessed the knob turning, the deep, violet door slowly creaking open. Gradually, in which every second was like an hour, my mouth turned up in a smile from the jitters of his arrival. His sillouette was jet black against the blinding light erupting from his home. The radiant glow from inside was electrifying against the fading sky, flowing through my veins like liquid gold. Shawn's tall and lanky stature was so distinct, an I could never forget. Footstep by footstep, I could hear him walking towards me. The uncontrollable happiness was slapped on my face by his presence, because he actually is the one thing that makes me happy. He is the only one in my hell of a life that makes me feel like I am loved, and deserve love for that matter... Suddenly I felt something warm around my waist, and I put my arms forward and up to find his shoulders. I could barely see through the dense twilight, but I could feel him there, and feel his touch. I could feel his radiating love, teasing my heart as I reflected my own love back into his chest. Above us, stars shining, the moonlight casting a gentle reflection on the two of us as the autumn wind sent chills down my spine... but that doesn't matter, because all I care about and feel is the warmth of myself wrapped in his arms, as our lips so gently touched... After a few seconds, I suddenly felt his love... change. He pulled away from me, and then my grin faded to a frown. I could sense a feeling from him, his love turned bittersweet, as he radiated a guilt and sorrow. I knew then something was terribly wrong. I could feel his pain, and I could feel him suffering... "Walk with me," he spoke in an expressionless tone, lacing his fingers in between mine. I did, as he guided me along the sidewalks of our neighborhood. "Is something wrong?" I questioned, with a look of pure concern haunting my pale face. "Yeah, umm..." he said, coming to a halt and looking down at the ground. "I'm so sorry my love..." "What is it?" I snapped frantically. "It's just that..." I could feel the anguish settling in his warm heart. "I'm moving away, I'll be out in two weeks... I'm really, really sorry." He spoke words of misery... words that seemed dead to me. I froze, wondering if my heart was even still beating. I looked down at the black converse on my feet and began to question all this... 'Could this be true? It has to be a dream, and only a dream.' I thought with a hollow voice in my head. I tilted my face up to the sky, stars smiling down on me. They are lies, my life is a lie! If only I could fly, fly up there and capture one of those merciless suckers, wipe that stupid smile off their face, that they are happy and I am not. If only I could change the fabrics of our universe, change my fate, and change time... but only I just realized... I can't. I just can't do it... I pinched my arm, trying to wake myself from this nightmare, but soon I realize it's no use... And it was then the shock of Shawn's uncertain horizon was over, and I snapped back to reality, and into a deadly sorrow. I can't change this, and I can't run away from it. I could feel my chest caving in like a black hole, not letting any light escape. My eyes started to burn as my anguish settled in, my head on fire. I could barely even stand. Weak, I wondered if I had died. Hell bestowed upon me, knocking on the Devil's door. My eyes black, stomach getting queasy, and my emotions excruciating. I almost collapsed to the ground, dizzy and disoriented, but I knew I had to finish this, no matter how much I felt like curling up and dying right at his feet. I didn't even cry right then, I stuffed down all my grief into behind my blue eyes, dead and useless now. I can't let him see me cry, he feels guilty enough already. I was worried he might die, and I don't want his life to be lost because of me. All I did was stare into the distance, with the sheet- white face of a lost soul. Haunted by some unknown horror, someone dead and gone, I just stood like a statue, only a hollow shell inside. "Are you okay?" He mumbled painfully after a long, drawn out silence. "Yes," I choked on my words, beyond lies. "Are you sure you're going to be alright my love?" He repeated, his voice melting into liquid sadness. He grabbed my other hand in his and gripped tightly, like a tourniquet. It was clear he was trying to hold on to the last bit of life we held together, but we both knew it wasn't working. I knodded, jaw half dropped, eyes empty... And that was it... Our last words as he walked me home. Masked by the daze of lies my mind put on to temporarily numb the pain, I drifted, lost and bleeding inside. Saying nothing, I left his side and walked up to my doorstep like a zombie, the buzzing porchlight piercing my brain. I reached out to open the door, the knob like ice on my lifeless fingers. I took one step inside and I burst into tears, crying, sobbing uncontrollably. Liquid death running like a faucet down my face and to my neck left my practically crawling up the stairs to my bedroom in anguish. I locked my door in the pure darkness, hyperventilating and whimpering nonstop. Succumbed in my endless wailing an suffering, my knees gave in under me, and all I heard was a crack, and a brief, buzzing, stinging coming from my head. I could feel the warm blood running down the gash in my head as I fell to the ground, curling up on the cold, hard floor. Every thought of Shawn, every memory and realization of his departure crept into my mind, creating an excruciating rush of emotion that rushed up into my head like an infection moving to the brain. No matter what, my tears didn't stop pouring, endless misery streaming from my eyes. Laying in a pond of tears and my own crimson despair, I choked, "God you monster, causing two to fall so desperately in love, only to snatch it away so suddenly! So suddenly..." And then, literally drowning in my own sorrow, I began to fall asleep, gasping for air, but no willing to get it. Wishing for life, but not energy to find it... Suddenly, I finally started to feel okay, as all this feeling begins to stop... I awoke to a gasp as my eyes snapped open, jumping swiftly to my feet from my floor. Golden rays of sunlight were peering beautifully through the blinds of my bedroom window, as I drifted weak yet gracefully to the source of wonderous light. I knew in my mind that something was unresolved, but I just couldn't feel anything... It was like I couldn't feel. I could barely remember the night before, but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was look out my window, the window I had looked through since I was very young, young and innocent. I could see the vibrant oranges, yellows and reds of the fall, all outside my window. "How lovely," I whispered to myself, "Maybe I am okay..." But then, my serene thoughts were suddenly tortured by a feeling I've never experienced before, a physical feeling in my arm, like something was being pulled out from my vein! Then, swirling blackness began to surround me, suffocating me, twisting and clouding up my vision! The floor below me began to crumble beneath my feet as I started falling down an abyss, a deep, bottomless pit, falling and falling. As the darkness began to dissapate, I could see my life onscreen, in thousands of magic mirrors it seemed like, surrounding me as I plummeted... It started with happy things, like me and Shawn meeting. It started with our times in the summer, joyful and laughing, smiling and enjoying ourselves, telling ourselves it would last forever. It started with our first kiss, and our second and third... And then, the summer started to die, and so did we. I saw Shawn and I from the third person, our last kiss, and him telling me of him leaving... our sadness together displayed right there in front of me... And as I fell more, I saw myself at home, my tears and suffering, only getting darker, and more vile as I saw myself hit my head on the corner of my nightstand, blood rushing out from the wound. I witnessed myself falling asleep, drowning and choking in liquid death... an then the rise and fall of my chest fading away to almost nothing... A few more minutes of free falling, and then the screens depict my parents bashing open my door, gasping in terror at the sight of me on the ground. I could see my mom dashing over to feel my pulse, and then her bursting into tears. "Call an ambulence! She's almost gone!" My mom screamed at my father, who whipped out a phone and began dialing frantically, pure panic on his face as my mom wailed like an animal... And of course, I saw the hospital, me laying near lifeless in the rough sheets of a hospital bed, my head wound wrapped carefully with several layers of bandaging. I saw the I.V's, and my mother sobbing on a chair to the right. I saw them pull the plug on me... deciding I wouldn't make it anyway. My parents curled up in emotional anguish at my loss, but almost more importantly, there was someone else in the room... Shawn. Shawn was wiping tears from his eyes, but they wouldn't stop coming. I could hear him sniffling and whining in the trememdous pain of my loss, him holding a single, violet rose, my favorite color. He trudged over, shivering beside me as he laid down the rose over my heart, gently holding my cold hand, and putting it over the rose, so that I was holding it close, holding a piece of Shawn with me. "Goodbye, my love..." he whispered in my ear... I thought boys didn't cry... but I was wrong. Then, the mirrors went black, as I saw light below me. Extremely fast, like lightning, I bolted downward, hitting solid ground. Slightly stunned from the fall, I waited a few seconds to check my surroundings, but when I did... It was not good. I was in Shawn's bedroom, and he was there, laying around just staring at the cieling, mourning... dying inside. He was holding a picture of him and I, smiling in the sunlight of a great summer... but he was not looking too good. Watching him fall apart was so, so hard. "Shawn! Shawn! Listen to me!" I screamed, and tried to touch his face, but I only went right through him. He stared right through me, he couldn't see. "You have to snap out of it! Shawn... listen to me, please..." I wept and wandered around the room aimlessly, forced to see him dying inside. He started to look far too skinny and pale... dark circles all around his eyes like a skeleton. You could start to see his bones... but he did not eat... he just was too hopeless to. Months were passing, and he began to grow very ill. He shivered nonstop... and I had to see it all. I couldn't leave. I was trapped in this home, damned forever. And, he didn't survive... he didn't pull out of this depression. He just got too sick... and he eventually got too weak to move. He was dead, and got dragged out of the room, never to be seen by me again... And all I did before his lifeless body was gone was whisper in his ear, "I love you Shawn..." but he didn't hear... And here I am, a lonley ghost damned to stay trapped here without him. I am forever here with his memory, and I cry every second cause of it. I can't die, and I can't live, but it's the worst knowing he died by cause of me. And this all happened because I, a hopeless girl, and him, a foolish boy, fell in love.

Apr 03 2014, 07:57 PM

What It's Like to be Me You don’t know what it’s like when nobody understands you, And you try to make sense in the things that they do. You don’t know what it’s like to not know what to say, And rather be alone and get caught in the rain. You don’t know what it’s like to feel that nobody is the same, And that you’re just a toy in some horrible game. You don’t know what it’s like to watch your hopes crumble down, And rebuild the pieces just to be turned right around You don’t know what it’s like to drown in sorrow And hope and dream that you won’t see tomorrow You don’t know what it’s like to want to say goodbye, And doubt that anyone would even cry. You don’t know what it’s like to want to scream, But no one around you would know what it means. You don’t know what it’s like to feel dead inside, But you smile and laugh and they think you’re alive. You don’t know what it’s like to just want to cry, But everyone would turn around and wonder why. You don’t know what it’s like to have these fantasies You dream to die but no one sees. You don’t know what it’s like to start to glow, In pondering what would happen if you go. You don’t know what it’s like to want to run, But wherever you go you will find none. You don’t know what it’s like to shed a tear, Just asking yourself, “Why am I here?” You don’t know what it’s like to find beauty in death, And wonder when you can enjoy the wealth. You don’t know what it’s like to want to speak, But everything you say makes you seem weak. You don’t know what it’s like to believe, That things will never change until you leave. You don’t know what it’s like to want to be kissed But you know that you are not even missed. You don’t know what it’s like to be me, Anywhere you go there’s nothing to see.

Comments (Add Comment)

Dec 09 2013, 10:22 PM

I'm really sorry I haven't been on in a long time. I'm going to be very vague, but I will say that my life has been hectic and I have been in a dark place. I will be on more to talk to all of you, you all help me along a lot. Cheers! <3

Comments (Add Comment)

Sep 02 2013, 08:23 AM

Well, I guess I just wasn't good enough... I have recently developed an online relationship on here with someone who will not be named. He was acting so sweetly, but I guess he found someone new on here. It's just sad, I guess, my heart sinks. I don't understand. WHat could be wrong with me that I cannot see?

Comments (Add Comment)

Aug 11 2013, 08:16 AM

My Own Personal Hell Nobody will ever understand the worry, the pain, and the sorrow that I am forced to experience every day of my life. Tomorrow, I will once again return to school, a personal hell where nobody will accept and everybody will judge. I will be once again choked out by the shadowy abyss where I am strangled by the words of my peers. The shouts, the taunts, the cruel acts laid upon my helpless soul, oh, who can deny? Nothing will ever turn out right. Tomorrow will be the worst, most lonley day of my life, and thers is nothing I can do, nothing I can say that will change my fate. It will be yet another day all alone, feeling empty at a table where nobody else dared to sit, where everybody is averted from my presence, where I am utterly outcast from the rest of the world. And guess what? There isn't even anything I could have done differently to make some friends. Any possible social skills I may have develped where shredded by a cloud of misery, destroyed into oblivion by the brutal acts of those vicious people around me, and now, all I am is a shell. An empty ghost no one dares to try to understand. I am solemly alone, nobody to comfort me, nobody to care. I can barely speak, and I can't even work up the courage to say hello anymore. I can't make any friends. I will be avoided by most, and the rest will do everything they can to make me miserable and break me down. Tomorrow I return, to my own personal hell called school.

Comments (Add Comment)

Aug 05 2013, 09:10 AM

This is just a story i wrote it's long but i think its really good plz read and comment if you liked it I tell this story for times ago, ages past and memories lost. Damned am I, and damned forever. Eternities of endless wandering I must suffer... and all because I, a hopeless girl, and a foolish boy fell in love... I fiddled with my thumbs aimlessly, the crisp October breeze pricking at my arms. My blonde hair was gently blowing in the breeze like golden tendrils of flame, dancing with the setting sun. My smiling eyes were set on one thing, and one thing only... Shawn's front door. My stomach jumped when I witnessed the knob turning, the deep, violet door slowly creaking open. Gradually, in which every second was like an hour, my mouth turned up in a smile from the jitters of his arrival. His sillouette was jet black against the blinding light erupting from his home. The radiant glow from inside was electrifying against the fading sky, flowing through my veins like liquid gold. Shawn's tall and lanky stature was so distinct, an I could never forget. Footstep by footstep, I could hear him walking towards me. The uncontrollable happiness was slapped on my face by his presence, because he actually is the one thing that makes me happy. He is the only one in my hell of a life that makes me feel like I am loved, and deserve love for that matter... Suddenly I felt something warm around my waist, and I put my arms forward and up to find his shoulders. I could barely see through the dense twilight, but I could feel him there, and feel his touch. I could feel his radiating love, teasing my heart as I reflected my own love back into his chest. Above us, stars shining, the moonlight casting a gentle reflection on the two of us as the autumn wind sent chills down my spine... but that doesn't matter, because all I care about and feel is the warmth of myself wrapped in his arms, as our lips so gently touched... After a few seconds, I suddenly felt his love... change. He pulled away from me, and then my grin faded to a frown. I could sense a feeling from him, his love turned bittersweet, as he radiated a guilt and sorrow. I knew then something was terribly wrong. I could feel his pain, and I could feel him suffering... "Walk with me," he spoke in an expressionless tone, lacing his fingers in between mine. I did, as he guided me along the sidewalks of our neighborhood. "Is something wrong?" I questioned, with a look of pure concern haunting my pale face. "Yeah, umm..." he said, coming to a halt and looking down at the ground. "I'm so sorry my love..." "What is it?" I snapped frantically. "It's just that..." I could feel the anguish settling in his warm heart. "I'm moving away, I'll be out in two weeks... I'm really, really sorry." He spoke words of misery... words that seemed dead to me. I froze, wondering if my heart was even still beating. I looked down at the black converse on my feet and began to question all this... 'Could this be true? It has to be a dream, and only a dream.' I thought with a hollow voice in my head. I tilted my face up to the sky, stars smiling down on me. They are lies, my life is a lie! If only I could fly, fly up there and capture one of those merciless suckers, wipe that stupid smile off their face, that they are happy and I am not. If only I could change the fabrics of our universe, change my fate, and change time... but only I just realized... I can't. I just can't do it... I pinched my arm, trying to wake myself from this nightmare, but soon I realize it's no use... And it was then the shock of Shawn's uncertain horizon was over, and I snapped back to reality, and into a deadly sorrow. I can't change this, and I can't run away from it. I could feel my chest caving in like a black hole, not letting any light escape. My eyes started to burn as my anguish settled in, my head on fire. I could barely even stand. Weak, I wondered if I had died. Hell bestowed upon me, knocking on the Devil's door. My eyes black, stomach getting queasy, and my emotions excruciating. I almost collapsed to the ground, dizzy and disoriented, but I knew I had to finish this, no matter how much I felt like curling up and dying right at his feet. I didn't even cry right then, I stuffed down all my grief into behind my blue eyes, dead and useless now. I can't let him see me cry, he feels guilty enough already. I was worried he might die, and I don't want his life to be lost because of me. All I did was stare into the distance, with the sheet- white face of a lost soul. Haunted by some unknown horror, someone dead and gone, I just stood like a statue, only a hollow shell inside. "Are you okay?" He mumbled painfully after a long, drawn out silence. "Yes," I choked on my words, beyond lies. "Are you sure you're going to be alright my love?" He repeated, his voice melting into liquid sadness. He grabbed my other hand in his and gripped tightly, like a tourniquet. It was clear he was trying to hold on to the last bit of life we held together, but we both knew it wasn't working. I knodded, jaw half dropped, eyes empty... And that was it... Our last words as he walked me home. Masked by the daze of lies my mind put on to temporarily numb the pain, I drifted, lost and bleeding inside. Saying nothing, I left his side and walked up to my doorstep like a zombie, the buzzing porchlight piercing my brain. I reached out to open the door, the knob like ice on my lifeless fingers. I took one step inside and I burst into tears, crying, sobbing uncontrollably. Liquid death running like a faucet down my face and to my neck left my practically crawling up the stairs to my bedroom in anguish. I locked my door in the pure darkness, hyperventilating and whimpering nonstop. Succumbed in my endless wailing an suffering, my knees gave in under me, and all I heard was a crack, and a brief, buzzing, stinging coming from my head. I could feel the warm blood running down the gash in my head as I fell to the ground, curling up on the cold, hard floor. Every thought of Shawn, every memory and realization of his departure crept into my mind, creating an excruciating rush of emotion that rushed up into my head like an infection moving to the brain. No matter what, my tears didn't stop pouring, endless misery streaming from my eyes. Laying in a pond of tears and my own crimson despair, I choked, "God you monster, causing two to fall so desperately in love, only to snatch it away so suddenly! So suddenly..." And then, literally drowning in my own sorrow, I began to fall asleep, gasping for air, but no willing to get it. Wishing for life, but not energy to find it... Suddenly, I finally started to feel okay, as all this feeling begins to stop... I awoke to a gasp as my eyes snapped open, jumping swiftly to my feet from my floor. Golden rays of sunlight were peering beautifully through the blinds of my bedroom window, as I drifted weak yet gracefully to the source of wonderous light. I knew in my mind that something was unresolved, but I just couldn't feel anything... It was like I couldn't feel. I could barely remember the night before, but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was look out my window, the window I had looked through since I was very young, young and innocent. I could see the vibrant oranges, yellows and reds of the fall, all outside my window. "How lovely," I whispered to myself, "Maybe I am okay..." But then, my serene thoughts were suddenly tortured by a feeling I've never experienced before, a physical feeling in my arm, like something was being pulled out from my vein! Then, swirling blackness began to surround me, suffocating me, twisting and clouding up my vision! The floor below me began to crumble beneath my feet as I started falling down an abyss, a deep, bottomless pit, falling and falling. As the darkness began to dissapate, I could see my life onscreen, in thousands of magic mirrors it seemed like, surrounding me as I plummeted... It started with happy things, like me and Shawn meeting. It started with our times in the summer, joyful and laughing, smiling and enjoying ourselves, telling ourselves it would last forever. It started with our first kiss, and our second and third... And then, the summer started to die, and so did we. I saw Shawn and I from the third person, our last kiss, and him telling me of him leaving... our sadness together displayed right there in front of me... And as I fell more, I saw myself at home, my tears and suffering, only getting darker, and more vile as I saw myself hit my head on the corner of my nightstand, blood rushing out from the wound. I witnessed myself falling asleep, drowning and choking in liquid death... an then the rise and fall of my chest fading away to almost nothing... A few more minutes of free falling, and then the screens depict my parents bashing open my door, gasping in terror at the sight of me on the ground. I could see my mom dashing over to feel my pulse, and then her bursting into tears. "Call an ambulence! She's almost gone!" My mom screamed at my father, who whipped out a phone and began dialing frantically, pure panic on his face as my mom wailed like an animal... And of course, I saw the hospital, me laying near lifeless in the rough sheets of a hospital bed, my head wound wrapped carefully with several layers of bandaging. I saw the I.V's, and my mother sobbing on a chair to the right. I saw them pull the plug on me... deciding I wouldn't make it anyway. My parents curled up in emotional anguish at my loss, but almost more importantly, there was someone else in the room... Shawn. Shawn was wiping tears from his eyes, but they wouldn't stop coming. I could hear him sniffling and whining in the trememdous pain of my loss, him holding a single, violet rose, my favorite color. He trudged over, shivering beside me as he laid down the rose over my heart, gently holding my cold hand, and putting it over the rose, so that I was holding it close, holding a piece of Shawn with me. "Goodbye, my love..." he whispered in my ear... I thought boys didn't cry... but I was wrong. Then, the mirrors went black, as I saw light below me. Extremely fast, like lightning, I bolted downward, hitting solid ground. Slightly stunned from the fall, I waited a few seconds to check my surroundings, but when I did... It was not good. I was in Shawn's bedroom, and he was there, laying around just staring at the cieling, mourning... dying inside. He was holding a picture of him and I, smiling in the sunlight of a great summer... but he was not looking too good. Watching him fall apart was so, so hard. "Shawn! Shawn! Listen to me!" I screamed, and tried to touch his face, but I only went right through him. He stared right through me, he couldn't see. "You have to snap out of it! Shawn... listen to me, please..." I wept and wandered around the room aimlessly, forced to see him dying inside. He started to look far too skinny and pale... dark circles all around his eyes like a skeleton. You could start to see his bones... but he did not eat... he just was too hopeless to. Months were passing, and he began to grow very ill. He shivered nonstop... and I had to see it all. I couldn't leave. I was trapped in this home, damned forever. And, he didn't survive... he didn't pull out of this depression. He just got too sick... and he eventually got too weak to move. He was dead, and got dragged out of the room, never to be seen by me again... And all I did before his lifeless body was gone was whisper in his ear, "I love you Shawn..." but he didn't hear... And here I am, a lonley ghost damned to stay trapped here without him. I am forever here with his memory, and I cry every second cause of it. I can't die, and I can't live, but it's the worst knowing he died by cause of me. And this all happened because I, a hopeless girl, and him, a foolish boy, fell in love.

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