Jul 05 2016, 04:48 AM

I'm just depressed tonight, fuck everything. I tried, I really did try to be happy and fun but i got shut down so, fuck it.

Jun 08 2016, 09:44 AM

<b>I cant sleep. i had another dream about my mom and now i miss her again. its not easy having to be woken up almost every night feeling down, but its like i cant think about anything else. for anyone that cares; My mother has gone a little bonkers in the last few years...a few years ago my sister, Alex, was killed in a drunk driving accident. she was 15 and older than me at the time. My mother was there, she watched it happen and held Alex as she died. She suffers from major depression and PTSD. Now, up until august of last year, i was living with my mother and having to deal with her constant emotional and physical abuse..she had never really liked me and after Alex passed, she never held back on making me suffer. She would buy me blades and tell me to end my life, because her life would be better and cheaper if i wasnt around,she'd push me around, hit me, tell me i mean nothing and try to sell me to her drunk friends. i was only a piece of meat to her, a unit of space taking up too much room. I tried not to let all this get to me but it gets so hard sometimes...the night i left, she was drunk (again) and being her depressing self. But she was a raging drunk that night and began destroying the house. after she broke windows, put out her cigarettes on the walls, and broke every dish in the house, she got in her car and rove around the yard screaming like a crazy person. I tried to calm her down and call her from the yard but all she did was change direction and starts charging at me. She nearly hit me, and she wanted to too...i knew i had to leave. so, i packed up and ran away to my aunts house. she agreed to adopt me but shortly after, decided i wasnt bright enough to live with her collection of shinning stars of a family and sent me off to a behavioral hospital...my boyfriend, mikey came to my rescue though and here i am, safe and sound in my own home. its late, i need sleep. goodnight to all:)

Jun 07 2016, 05:34 PM

Some nights, i cant even lay down comfortably. other nights, its calm while im falling asleep and i almost feel safe...until it gets worse and i cant breathe. but, sometimes the dreams dont even come, and i either get really bright and vivid dreams or just spend all night in my head getting lost in the blackness. most days after my nightmares i feel worthless, so meaningless that i dont even feel worthy of speach. so i just float around the day, quiet and distant. other days, i can hide it all, and be alright. but even though my outside emotions change, my insides are constantly burning cold and my veins feel tight. i've felt so many strong emotions that i cant even breathe through without crying, i dont want to discuss these feelings with anyone because i cant take myself seriously and i feel like i sound melodramatic...this is really frustrating because i feel stuck..i want to scream but i have a muzzle over my mouth. i feel trapped, and its stupid because i have people to talk to, i just dont feel comfortable with anybody. i am a bit okay with my boyfriend, i just feel like he doesnt understand...i know he does a little...just not about the abuse ive been through. he tries though, it means alot...i just dont know how to talk to him. i feel so alone emotionaly, i know everyone tries to help but it doesnt help. i feel like i cant explain my feelings right.