Dec 19 2015, 10:03 AM

Rock Bottom and Below You know the saying ‘once you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up’? I beg to differ. On the contrary, once I had reached rock bottom, that’s when I decided to claw myself a deeper hole with my bare fingernails. My epic suicide was crashed by a frantic rush to the hospital and having charcoal shoved down my throat. The only thing the pills managed to do was fuck up my kidneys and make sure I never have a spare moment alone from now on. I dread the fact that I have a psychologist appointment on Monday night. Dr Schramm will not be happy. Hopefully I can convince him just to let it be. Byron will not be happy either. With any luck he’ll bypass this entry the next time he reads this page and just let the past be just that. But who was I kidding? There was no way I could keep it from him forever. My stay in hospital was short-lived due mostly to the fact that I was in the middle of exams. I was supposed to be discharged Wednesday morning, but instead opted for my mother to get me out Tuesday night so I could write my Physics paper. A decision I don’t regret; but also not one I’m proud of. Especially since if I do that again she made it clear it would be her conscious. Why should I care about that though? Why did I? So, no. Rock bottom is not the lowest of the low. If there were to be a new lowest low, I would suggest they name it after me. The Zahn Displacement. That to me is the most fitting conclusion I can come to in my life. The question at hand, however, was even more pressing; where do I go from here? Somehow I expected that no deity I could imagine could get me out of this hole. Maybe this would help me rely on myself for something good for once.

Dec 19 2015, 10:02 AM

Now What? With the examination period vastly approaching its only natural to feel stressed out to the point where you want to pull your own eyeballs out, but I’ve never experienced anything this bad. Recent events have caused my anxiety levels to spike and somehow at the same time made me 10x more depressed. How could I keep sinking lower and lower into the same pit? I had to reach rock bottom eventually, right? But it’s not even schoolwork that’s the worst of it. Yes, there’s constant revision for trig in maths and electromagnetism in physics, but how can one be bothered about that when there are much more pressing (and depressing) things to concern oneself with? During quite an eventful weekend with my father over which we discussed everything from politics to our own stupidity (well, my own) while enjoying amarula and ice cream drinks, I realised that school was actually the least of my many problems. So much had happened in just one term of school and, call me weak, but my brain wasn’t managing it. I can feel my body shutting down slowly. I can barely sleep but at the same time I can’t even keep myself awake for an hour. After going what may be 5 days straight of not eating I have energy for nothing. Even maths, a subject I thoroughly enjoy recently, isn’t able to get my mind off anything. Maybe I should have gone to the rehab clinic in Joburg when it was offered to me. Perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought to come out and deal with the real world.

Dec 19 2015, 09:59 AM

Essay Conundrums The last thing a girl wants to do in her most crucial moment of self-discovery is write an English essay discussing her future. So when Mrs Sewerajen gave us the assignment it was like being able to visualize the needles going through my skin. The Essay Topic: Who Do I Want To Become vs. Who I Am Now. I didn’t even know the answer to the latter and she wanted me to write an essay about it. If I couldn’t even decide who I am right now how was I supposed to make a decision about who I wanted to be? I wasn’t going to be able to pull this off and I knew it. No amount of imagination or writing skills would allow me to successfully lie blatantly to her about this topic. Who do I want to be? Someone who doesn’t have to write this stupid essay. Don’t even get me started on who I am now. Being back to that ‘crazy chick’ seems to give everyone in the school permission to talk to me the way they want to. Even Tevan seems to be trying to form some sort of association. All the unwanted attention makes me wish I was back to being the tiny emo chick in the hoodie with the hair all over her face that sits alone all the time. But I know that disappearing now wouldn’t get me anywhere. So I was stuck with the essay, and with my identity crisis. I had to come up with an answer to the essay topic before I could start writing. Maybe now that I have more incentive the answer will come easier.