Jan 12 2025, 07:33 PM

Please, just don't lie to me....

...I keep saying I don't want to be a bother, and I mean it....  I just want to be good for someone, make someone happy, or feel better,... the last thing I want is to be a bother, make someone uncomfortable, or feel bad, and I'd rather die than hurt someone I care about.......

...but people keep telling me I'm not a bother, that I should open up,... that everything is fine....  Some people even swear I can tell them anything,... but they never mean it....  It's always too much, and they judge me, or just disappear....  I tell someone about the nightmares in my head,... what happened to me, and they're gone without any warning.......

...just don't lie to me,... don't pretend to care....  I'd rather have no one, then have fake people who make me feel safe, just to flake off like they were never there in the first place.......

...I just want someone to give me the chance to be good to them, that's all....  I just need someone to care for, and be good to, not someone to fix me.......  I don't even care if this is saying too much, cause I'm not interested in anyone fake.  If you read my profile, and decide not to try, good, you're being real, and I respect that....

...I only want someone who genuinely wants to know me, and wants someone like me in their life....  I'm only interested in someone who actually wants to be cared for, and appreciated.......

Jan 12 2025, 04:05 AM

...I hate myself,... I hate my trauma,... I hate how screwed up I am....  I know I shouldn't be bothering anyone.... x.x

...people lie to me, and tell me it's ok, but they just secretly judge me, just to disappear without saying anything.......

...please, just don't pretend to care....  I know I should keep my issues to myself....

...I'll listen, and be a good friend, and be supportive,... I'll just be a good friend, and things will be ok....  I just,... I just want someone to be happy,... not try to fix me, or take advantage of me,... but just have me as their friend.......

...how I feel doesn't matter,... I should just be quiet, and listen....  Just be good, that's all that matters.......

Jan 12 2025, 03:05 AM

...maybe I try to make this clear....  I have issues.  I'm not pretending, or trying to hide it, I'm just being real, and I'm tired of being judged, and treated like a pest for being honest....

...people suck,... I've been lied to, and treated like shit so much, by so many people,... like it doesn't matter how much I care, unless someone can take advantage of me, and get something from me.......

...thing is,... I know I care too much,... and I love too deeply, too easily....  A certain kind of person can just be nice to me, and they'll become everything to me,... like I can't stop thinking about them, wanting to be there for them, be with them, share stupid random stuff,...... but every time I love someone, I just get pushed away, ignored to death,... treated like I'm just nothing but a pest....  No one ever actually wants me to love them,... wants me to be thinking about them....  No one I like, actually wants it.......

...whenever I like someone, they always leave me,... and I hate myself,... cause maybe if I didn't feel so much,... maybe if I didn't go so far, I could have at least still been her friend....  Maybe if I keep everything to myself, I can at least be a good friend, be something to her,... but if I love her, I become nothing to her.......

...to screw up being her friend,... to be nothing to her kills me,... to know I'm not even someone she wants to talk to, to share things with....  More than anything, I need to be good for her, a good part of her life,... but if I say too much, she'll leave,... if I say nothing, she'll be convinced I don't want her....  It's like there's just no answer, and I'll always fail, always end up broken, wishing I was enough.......

...I can't tell you how terrified I am of not being good enough for you,... of not at least being your friend....

Jan 11 2025, 09:32 AM

I love you, my Angel,... my savior, my reckoning,... my everything.  My very breath, to the aching last beats of my heart,... I love you to hell itself, even if there's no coming back....

...how I wish you loved me the same, and we could find salvation in each other, instead of this nightmare that's been created....  How I wish we found a way.......

I love you my Darling, to the terrifying end, I'll always love you....

Jan 11 2025, 09:26 AM

Feels like it's been forever that I've been in hell.  My own personal nightmare, struggling, crawling, bleeding for you.  Anything for you, to reach you, to save you, to make you happy.  The depths I'd endure, the horrors I face, to be there for you.......

...but then I woke up,... and she was never real....  This emptiness I feel,... no words can describe....  Why am I here?  Is my entire existence nothing but a bad dream?  A story written, and burned, to never be read?

...what I'd give to go back, to live that dream, that nightmare, anything but this emptiness....  Anything to feel meaning, purpose in my breath....  Anything to justify existing.......

...just a ghost,... a soul tortured by it's memories,... haunted by what never was.......