Dec 20 2024, 04:38 AM

idk why I feel this way but I have been in a more positive mindset lately and there's this nagging feeling of missing the peaceful calm of being depressed.I want to change and make my life better but its hard when you have mixed feelings and also hard when you have a history of being left behind and forgotten.I also feel like the music I listen too would maybe help me fight this want to be depressed again but I love my music I listen too.I also found out that with me being ADHD my body processes a lot of things differently,for example most people have their heart pumping pretty good after a energy drink or 2 or 3 but my heart rate doesn't change one bit. 

I know I made a step in the right direction for me to change my life and get help but what's the next step.I am kinda sitting her wondering where I go from here.I had neglected myself for too long listening to all the voices but my own.And now that I am listening to myself again ,all the voices are just background noise.I also need to work on my communication skills since I am not where I need to be when I am interacting with my friends.I am sure its because of the brain damage I have from past abuse and maybe even a little with me internalizing all my pain for years.

I hadn't really ever thought of talking to myself before and it is part of what got me out of my depression and I am glad I did that.I still feel the pain tho,all the past mistakes and broken trust and promises as well as the abuse and the way that damaged me more than even I knew.I still feel it all but its not pulling me down and drowning me in that feeling like I'll never be free.My head is finally above the water and it is both relieving and refreshing to finally breath.And that's why I'm confused in this matter because I am happy I am slowly improving and getting better but I am also wishing for the depression again.I don't know maybe its the little kid in me begging me to go back to the old way so I am protected but is it really protection if it controls you and makes you want to just drown yourself in all the negative things in your life like why your mom gave you up or why you were made at a drug party and why your parents weren't a thing and how you feel like a lousy brother because of all the time taken away from you and your sisters.How many hearts I have broke including my own.Why you feel like your not yourself without the pain.why you think you need to help yourself with making music but if I were to do that I'd have to postpone my healing process.Why you hate waking up because of the pain trapped inside your head as well as the physical pain your body feels.

These are the questions I avoid asking myself because I don't want to deal with my problems. Idk maybe its my O.D.D making me defiant against even myself.I will try to figure it all out but I'm sure it won't be easy.

Dec 17 2024, 04:59 AM

I was in my class after getting everything done and had enough time to just sit with my thoughts and I ended up typing this

"How do you start new with people you wish you never hurt.Why did you stand there and stare letting everyone else help her after she fainted.Why couldn't you break your own dang wall to help another who needs it.

My heart hangs heavy with too many questions like why I didn’t help scarlet,why and how i hurt her in our relationship,why can’t i think clearly in those situations,why did I hold myself back thinking she wouldn’t want my help because of our past

I sit here contemplating these things and I just don’t know the answers

Dec 13 2024, 02:54 PM

I got a lil drunk last night just trying to get away from this feeling of being lonely and also hating myself 

Dec 07 2024, 06:21 AM

also this song by Corpse it honestly really good 

https://open.spotify.com/track/3pXVmZh293nWtqxildz9jf?si=56f6d85bb0d64570

Scarlet loves corpse too <3

Dec 07 2024, 05:38 AM

also just so you all know I am interested in a girl named Scarlet but the reason why I have on my profile that the relationship is complicated is that we are kinda a new thing but she went to LA to go to a family funeral and shes back here again and I tried to talk to her when she got back but she needed space so I have given that to her since every time I decided I should try to comfort her she almost acted out of fear like in a panic sort of way that she needed space so I have just kinda hung low until today when I was in the miss merry Christmas program our school did she said I looked nice and My heart skipped a beat cus I was so excited that she was talking to me again but I didn't want to press her and make her mad at me so I thanked her and smiled then kinda walked away awkwardly and she sent me a text later in the day telling me that she is ready to talk but she wants to talk in person at the end of a parade and I am scared of what she will say tbh.Since she hasn't talked to me in about 9 days I am afraid she will say that we need to end the relationship and I would probably honestly cry right in front of her because I care so much about her that I would give her my everything.I noticed her from day one at the start of the school year and I also have rad and I attach to people very fast but there's also the fact that I fear abandonment  so needless to say IM FREAKING OUT MAN.

I just hope she still loves me because people change over time and I know I cant make her decisions so whatever happens I'll just have to be okay with.

Dec 06 2024, 05:58 PM

I am going to make a monster can mask soon and when I do I'll take a pick and post it here

Dec 05 2024, 03:56 AM

my grandma got mad at me yesterday about the music I listen to and how she doesn't like curse words and that it all just feeds my depression and that God doesn't want us to be depressed and I'm sure you can guess what else was said

I just want her to understand that the music I listen to is kind of like a vent and if I were to shut that off I'd bottle it all inside again then the depression would get worse and I'd cut again and she just doesn't get that I need music that I can relate to and use it to get the emotion out and not hold it inside.

tbh my family has crammed Christianity down my throat ever since I was adopted at age 4 and the fact of the matter is if God was real and wanted to help me then he would have done something when I cried myself to sleep night after night asking him for help and a sign. so my family can take their stupid religion and shove it up their A hole and quit getting in my way. I mean are they trying to get me to run away again because they just want to change who I am and not accept who I am.

Dec 03 2024, 04:29 AM

I have decided I am fully serious about getting snake bite piercings and a septum and I'm gonna gauge it but not too big lol.I also want a hoop through the left side of my nose.

I am also getting the Tragus piercing on my right ear and two helix piercings on my left ear as well as the traditional earlobe piercings for both ears

only thing is I have to wait till I move out to have any of that since my family is strict and the same rule applies for all the tattoos I want but I won't have to wait longer than a year or two for that to happen so I am excited 🖤❤🖤🔥

Nov 26 2024, 05:00 AM

I finally got the fry scream down lol

Nov 22 2024, 07:56 PM

https://suno.com/song/d29d7850-514c-468d-8cce-419dd48f2af6