Nov 24 2014, 08:02 AM

Ahh back here to my journal, typing up the things that come up in my mind that has tormented me. Today I'm going on a after school trip at quarter seven to see blood brothers, then coming back at 11:20pm. God this is gonna be shit. I've already seen blood brothers in a previous school trip so I dunno what was up with me into wanting to see it again. I guess really I didn't know it was gonna be this long. So shit. I better enjoy it at least. Now I'll talk about some pain that happened today. My friend borrowed my ruler for something, after using it while, when I saw him not using it, I went to grab it, only to find out it had been glued onto the desk. I was real angry as he laughed his head off. I had to go into the toilets and had to use tissues along with my hands in order to clean the damn thing. As I went back into the glass room I slapped him with the ruler. He then told me he was gonna hit me, and so he did about eight minutes later. I hit him back, he then hit again this time in the chest, I felt a sickening pain as he punched the area of my heart. It's hurting even still now. I'm teared up as I got hit by this guy, who was once my friend before. Y'know what, I'll make a summary about our.. little friendship we formed, his name is Marrick Francis, back in year 7 and 8 we had a little bad relationship, however when year 9 started, our friendship got better and better I felt as though I was actually getting a real good friend. However, in the middle near end of year 10, he was changing... he was getting real angry at me for unknown reasons. Were still friends... well... sort of... he's getting real hostile towards me and it's making me alot more sad and upsetting, I feel as though it's my fault that our relationship is dropping. I can't stop getting upset over it. After what he did today, I was desperate to get back at him, I'm tired of being bullied, it's annoying me even on the littlest and simplest things. I'm real desperate for help, I want to get towards and defeat these dicks. I can't tell a teacher, coz it'll get worse, in fact, I did that a lot back in the years. Telling on people, only causing me to get a lot more hatred. It's fucking annoying and punching me within the throat. I really want payback among these fuckers. Sometimes I keep thinking of talking to these fella's girlfriends, these guys are doing anything for a relationship. So it could be best to talk to the girlfriend as they can talk to the dick, and maybe it'll sort something. Only problem is I'm too nervous and upset. And not only that, the guys will probably's have more problems with me, but that's just a prediction. ... ... ... ... ... I need to get a move onto this MATHS homework, I don't want to talk about the situation anymore. But feel free to leave your thoughts about it. Coz I'm in real need of help... I'm getting more upset within every 5 seconds :'(

Nov 22 2014, 03:36 PM

I may need to post out this entry before it's too late and while I have the chance. Today, I just got an error message put onto my PC and I was close to losing everything on it. Now before I get into further details, it's worth noting I had this exact same problem nearly 2 years ago, and I had to reset the entire thing, thus losing all the stuff stored on my computer. But this time I was able to bypass the solution by using an advanced repair option, it's only a matter of time until I might have this problem again. I swear to god if I lose all this shit stored on my PC I am going to rage the fuck out of my skin! However if it comes to the situation again, I'll get a computer tech guy to have a look at this. I'm going to look into some of my files and start deleting things to see if it'll resolve or at least down grade the chance of me losing all my files. But it's gonna be a tough decision because I downloaded those things for a reason y'know! However, there are some random files that got randomly installed along with a download I was on purposely downloaded (I'm sure some of you have come across this situation before because I hear it happens alot when someone tries to download something and your computer automatically downloads some files you didn't want to download). But anyways, just posting this in case of anything happens and you don't hear from me for a while, see you soon.

Nov 15 2014, 09:21 AM

I had... a weird dream last night... or perhaps... a nightmare... I was at the toilets, in a what looked like a resturaunt, as I was in there, I went into a stall and noticed something, a guy, walked in with a sawed off shotgun, he was walking slowly, I locked myself into one of the stalls... and was afraid if he would shoot me through it, so I unlocked the door, I dunno what I was thinking, either thinking to reason with him, or make a run for it, he walked up to my door, and looked at me, he loaded his shotgun, and aimed it at me against his waist, and pulled the trigger, I can't remember if the shells hit the wall, or hit me, after a few seconds, I woke up. But one thing is for sure, during the dream, I had a very horrible panicking feeling. I was more concentrated on my feeling then him entering. As he pulled the trigger to me or the wall, my stomach went boiling hot. Could this... could this be a dream on purposely given to me during my sleep. I have been reading alot about massacres, was I given this dream by something to have a chance on knowing the feeling of being a victim within a massacre? It scares me. One thing though... the shooter... he looked like a little bit like... and wore similar clothes to him during that day... Eric Harris!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nov 14 2014, 10:43 AM

Well... today's been interesting. I'm getting in a difficult situation here. Today was a very rainy day. And I want to talk about school, when I went to tutor, I went inside and stayed warm, as the room began to fill with other students, waiting for the teacher, I saw my friend arrive over, standing outside (he likes the rain too much and he's usually late to tutor) so I went over to the door to speak to him, and began to be pushed out by other students, luckily I pushed 'em back, and got angry and said something to him, as I was speaking to him, all the students went silent and listened, after that, students began to push me out, slamming the door on me, I stayed in and smacked the door towards some girls who were pushing it to me. Then one preppy girl says some shit to me, then I say something back, and then the ultra bitch of our tutor butts into the conversation and says something to me, saying I "shouldn't do that to girls" then we begin arguing she says "I'm sticking up for the las" I then say to her "it doesn't matter if your a boy or a girl" and then she says "YEAH IT DOES!!!" and I say "you females are not SPECIAL in anyway" then after that, the teacher finally walked in. I can't believe I did, it's the second time in ages since I've felt so good! Fulfilling my defense towards attackers. Won't lie here, I'm full of hate and I fucking love it, these fuckers better fear me if they know whats good for 'em! I'm getting angrier and angrier everyday, sometimes I'm losing control of it! I need to gain BETTER control! But then something else happened! At lunch time I was walking down this little hallway to go to the toilets, but was tripped over by this dick head jock who has women (speaking of girls, he had two of 'em with him during this). He almost knocked me over, so I turn to him and say "what did you do that for?" he then said while eating his pringles "coz I wanted to" then I say "who'd you think you are" he then said his name "Kieren Kemp" I begin arguing with him until he has enough of it and says "will you just fuck off" then I say "no I won't, not until I'm finished with this" then says "you want a fight or somett?" kids then starting walking through the corridor and then I said something to him I can't remember exactly, he then walks up to me and says "away then!" stands right in front of me, head to head, kids then start crowding around yelling "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" as we just stood there looking at each other, we talk and then I say something and walk off. As I turned around to walk to the toilets, a teacher stepped out of her classroom and began shouting at the students. After I was done at the toilets, kids began talking about our little "fight" and then later on, the guy comes up to me and shakes my hand and claims to be "sorry", what he did wasn't a big deal to me, besides, I'm glad I got to resolve something like that for ONCE! Damn it's been a day, there may have been some grammer mistakes and spellchecks but it don't matter at this point, what's important now is my actions. I should follow the way as the emos see it! But I'm getting too angry to notice what I'm doing, so I see a few outcomes here! 1. Always use my anger and get back at the attacker and hit him if he/she hits me no matter the gender! 2. Stay a silent guy, walk off and do nothing but when they hit, I hit 'em back! 3. Be quiet and talk to the asshole when they hit or insult me and then begin something. Then yell and attack if they start going too far! Or 4. I just don't do anything at all and just be ignorant through out all the courses. Please do leave a comment and your thoughts and which one I should stick with, or give me your own outcome I can do. But really! As long as you comment and mention the outcome, that'll help me here! Was I making any sense through out this? ... ... ... ... I don't think I was, sorry it won't happen again, it's just a lots going on in my mind I'd like to write down in my journal and get it out the way.

Nov 05 2014, 11:48 AM

Well... here's an entry, and I guess you should know my mother let me back on! I had to lie to her. Which makes me feel all fucked up. I just recently went out with my friend and when I got back home at exactly 7:00pm, I told her I had a conversation with him about many events and things within family (half truth here because we were talking about heart breaking events) and had a thought of how much I feel bad for doing so to my mother. ... I'm becoming a liar... FUCK!!! I hate liars, and I'm becoming one myself, just to keep my ass out of the water, oh fucking well, I guess it doesn't matter because I already hate myself... Of all things I don't like I just had to become a hypocrite. Guess I'm gonna have to live with it or find some other ways. Whenever I lie I give at least some half truth, so I guess that could do some good. If I have to lie, I can at least give SOME truth. I wanna stay honest with people as much as possible so they have my trust. I guess I'll lie only LITTLE times. Probablies best this way, well I best be going now, wanna use this time while it lasts.

Nov 04 2014, 03:07 PM

(Uploading this via phone) Guess fucking what? Tomorrow my mother is taking my computer away for false fucking reasons! I did as I'm told, and she just take it's away because of my "attitude", which I find a stupid reason! Sometimes I like to dick around with her she takes it too seriously and gets mad at me, I be honest with her and tell her EXACT TRUTH!!! But instead she refers me as a "lier" and claims I'm selfish just because I don't get out of bed on a morning! Hopefully she doesn't take it from me, I've had a real torturous week recently and now my Mum's bullying me! If she happens to change her mind I'll upload another entry tomorrow about it, if not, expect an angry entry on the day after!

Oct 25 2014, 05:34 AM

Now that I look at these real life events of things that happened are awful, I seem to sort of, understand the criminals mind. People are beginning to call me a weirdo and are possibly thinking that I'm about to pull off some sort of horrific stunt at school or somewhere, I have no clue why they'd think that, I would never hurt a fly, even for the people who deserve it, besides where would I get the hardware anyways? After I've been reading up about Columbine my mother has been worrying about me coz she thinks I'm being "inspired" or something. Dunno why she thinks that. But shes away for a few days gladly, and I'm stuck here with the sister I wrote about yesterday, this is just crap. Speaking of these massacres, the only reason I look at those is because I'm interested, I like to read real life events, it's what I do and people have a problem with that? Why are people so JUDGMENTAL??!! I hate it alot. Any of you remember that incident in May 23, 2014? Elliot Rodger? When that came out I straight away watched his video, and I couldn't stop watching as I felt his pain! This was the first massacre I saw that was caused by someone who was effected by rejection of love! I guess he was desperate as hell, I felt his pain and saw his old videos on his youtube page and understood him a bit due to the fact he saw all this shit that I did. In fact he was caused to do it all by something that first caused by depression! I need to stop talking about this, I need some rest...

Oct 24 2014, 12:04 PM

Well, yesterday when I went to the university, I enjoyed it alot, I think I may have found the university I'm going to (if I do go). But anyways, today was a last day of school for half term, didn't have to wear uniform today, it was a... average day. Except when I was arguing with my sister (not the older one that is good to me) about romance and shit (my sister is an annoying wannabe world lover so you'll expect alot of happiness shit coming out of her) and I called her boyfriend a pedophile because he is 9 years older then her and she goes out with him. She then began to start bitching saying it's alright to do so because the two are adults, and I said to her "it doesn't matter how old you are" then she starts saying that I maybe calling our Mother a pedophile because she is a year older then our Dad, just to piss her off more and be a smart arse I said "yes :3". She began yelling at me just because I was making facts about her boyfriend, you have no idea how much I'd love to break up her and many other relationships, I hate romance BIG TIME!!!! And my mother expects me to get a girlfriend? Ain't happening, after all, all the women love to date complete assholes, and I'm not one I'm afraid so I don't think that's happening... especially the fact when I once tried to get a girlfriend she rejected me just so she could get into a relationship with this annoying jock who is also a bully to others. I don't understand women... I like women who understand the shit that goes on in this world and aren't in relationships (well sorta).

Oct 22 2014, 11:50 AM

Well... Tomorrow is that trip to a university, but the good news is I got to be able to change where I'm going on the trip so yay :D

Oct 17 2014, 03:02 PM

*sigh* I completely hate myself for making a huge fucking mistake, about a few days ago at school we were given a choice to go to a few university's (Sunderland, Newcastle and York) so we can look around at for the whole day, now I'm completely mad at myself for doing this because I've just changed my mind to go to Newcastle and I can't even change my choice, the fucking school teacher who is heading these trips Mrs Walker won't allow me to change my choice because she has "already filled in the list of whose going where" so looks like I'm stuck at going to Sunderland, and I hear a lot of pricks I don't like are going there, FUCK! I've asked my mum to give 'em a call about changing my choice because she is pretty convincing and she cares about my future, so HOPEFULLY she can get me changed. But enough about that, today I just went to a couple of military hardware stores to buy a black trench coat or something (been wanting one for a while, because seeing as they are so bad ass, it'll help keep people away from you because no one knows what you could keep under that coat) and when I was there... I saw a lot... of perfect knives and guns (the guns were either air soft or fake) and they looked so beautiful, wish I could get one, maybe some other day I could get 'em. But sadly I couldn't find the trench coat I wanted nor my size. So I went on eBay and ordered a casual black slim one from china that has never been worn, it'll take nearly a whole month for it to arrive. Well looks like I'll be riding bad ass coats and hopefully I can get to Newcastle.