Aug 26 2014, 08:38 AM

It's been a while since I've been on this site and wrote another entry, I don't think anyone misses me anyways so it's no bother to mention that... last night, I couldn't sleep at all, so I did something to past the night or until I drift off to sleep, I began writing on my wall at the bottom of my bed, hopefully my mother won't find them, I'm beginning to write down about my feelings and memories of things in the past. I was inspired to do so by my friend around the street. *sigh* there are also some things my mother isn't wanting me to do or buy, I'm gonna have to start lying to her in order to get into these things, it's the only way it'll all work.

Aug 01 2014, 02:39 PM

I'm such a depressed person at the moment, I'm fucking lonely. When I said my outcast feeling would come back? I was right, it has and I'm way to depressed and very lonely. I've hardly been invited to go out with my friends... And to make matters worse, I go back and look at these videos, these things from a few years ago... A few years ago I was part of a big group of animators on YouTube, we had so much fun and we created quite a good group, however it fell apart after it reached nearly a full year. After this, I was walking the internet lonely, nothing to do, an outcast. I still see SOME of these people, and one of 'em feels me, and I feel him, we understand each other. Every time I go across the internet and see groups on there, celebrating, doing shout out videos for each other, I recoil a lot. I try to get part in some of these wonderful groups, but I always end up getting either rejected, ripped out, forgotten or not even noticeable. It's horrible. I wish I could just be happy, with a group, not being a burden on people, being cared by others. I guess I'm stuck here, trying over and over to get into a group. Met a nice group of animators who call themselves "the join.me gang", I need to learn to get part into them, if I wanna appear in there videos as an idol like all of 'em, I need to see what I can do and not fuck up on saying the wrong thing. *sigh* I need to rest. Now that I think far too much into this, I keep thinking... if I died... no one would care... But that ain't gonna happen, I don't plan on dying! I plan to live long enough. Because if I die at an early age or before old age even, it'll just prove I'm no better then this awful world!

Jul 29 2014, 04:16 PM

Wow, I missed out writing in my journal for two days (three days to be exact coz it's 12:15am) but anyways, things are getting lonely, there's nothing much to write in this journal entry, might as well just leave it out.

Jul 27 2014, 03:19 PM

Once again I went out today, even though my outcast feelings are going away, things don't go well even if their mean't to be jokes. Anyways, I went out with about five friends, and I had a little accident with one of 'em, we were in a forest and one of 'em found a large branch that was from a tree, they messed with it and then me and my one friend began a tug of war with it, however after I managed to grab it, he thought it was over but I pretended to stab him with it, now being from a distance I couldn't see clearly and I striked him in the side, I felt so bad because I regret alot of things easily, even the simplest things. He said he was okay and I shouldn't worry but I felt real bad for what I did. I wish I could take it back even thought he said it was fine. *sigh* but one of my nice friends on purposly dropped a large stick on my head, dunno why, but maybe it was another stupid "joke" that they always do that don't even look like or sound like jokes. Well tomorrow I'm having my friend from last Thursday over. Good friend, understands pain, been through alot and still goes with it like I do. I'll hope we can continue on with things.

Jul 26 2014, 04:07 PM

Went with some friends today, I guess one of them noticed how much lonely I was and decided to bring me with 'em, my loneliness is beginning to heal... but I fear it may come back as many things have. Can't get my hopes up.

Jul 25 2014, 04:39 PM

Nothing interesting happened today, except I went to see the planet of the apes film in the cinema with my mother and father and I must say a really good film. Did lift my spirit pretty well.

Jul 23 2014, 05:55 PM

I've been up all night, crying on my bed, thinking on how much of an outcast I am, no one cares about me expect for my darling mother, I just see everyone not caring how lonely I am but keep caring about their own fun, I'm worthless among this world, my ears are ringing right now as I'm typing this. Thinking about despair, I am really depressed at the moment. I bet not even a single soul will write a comment on this entry cause they don't care about me :(

Jul 22 2014, 03:37 PM

Well today I decided to go for another walk, and I threw something into those people I did before's house again, pissed him off good as he was painting his fence and looked over the fence to check who was there, I don;t think he saw me, it was a younger guy then before, he was also one of the two who I threw something in there before. Anyways, I put some thought into my anger, and I can really see myself as a burden, not just among my family but my friends too, I really need to control myself. But anyways today was unlucky, my Dad broke my favourite glass "by accident" while cleaning up some dishes, I gave him a few punches, then guess what he does, he barges in my fucking room with a fucking spider man mask on and he decides to have a fight with me. But I gotta say, he rarely does this to me and he always does it in a way to make it fun not just for him, but for me too, it gets fun but next thing you know the mother comes in and breaks it up, he almost broke my headphones and he left some marks on me, next time he goes to do so, I'm gonna break out of his cuffs and smack him in the face, it'll be a good one, and it'll impress him.

Jul 21 2014, 03:51 PM

I've managed to calm down a bit after posting that previous entry, I mostly get mad when I think of the times when something angered me and I keep thinking that I didn't do the correct thing or say the correct thing at that very time. *sigh*, maybe I'll go visit my friend, I'll see what I can get out of her and see how no one bitches at her when she goes on like how I do.

Jul 21 2014, 03:09 PM

I can't get this shit out of my head of previous events I had with my friends bitching at me for being a hater of worlds and being so depressed, I mean one of our friends who is a female has this same problem, has nearly a lot in common with me, and they don't bitch at her from what I've heard and been told. I just kept thinking about those moments today, and it was really messing with my head, and you know what? I hate the fucking world, too many god damn preps in it who don't give shits and don't think straight about the cruelness in this godforsaken world because their full of greed. Too many thoughts run through my head about societies all wrapped up together in this place called EARTH. Everyone has their own opinions on every damn thing is, and you may be saying "well what makes you so different?". Because I have always go further into these things, and when I do, people just don't care, saying I must hate myself and everything. Well I'll give 'em that one, I do hate myself SOMETIMES. When I say to my family, they say either "don't be silly" or "you need to have fun once in your life" or "stop looking into these things" and one last thing that bugs me so much is "YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SAYING BEFORE SAYING IT"........... In which I fucking do, I think it real hard! They must think I'm mental or something, in which I can admit I am going mental, I am trying to control my anger, in which I have managed to do so. All my friends who bitch at me, I know what they are thinking, they must think I have aspergers or something going on like this. There is no typical or logical way, how I could have aspergers, nor am I showing signs of it, but of course, what do you expect from people like them? I am a weak individual who hates humanity, the world is fucked up and no one gives a damn! Everyone just continuously bitches at me for being depressive or talking "stupid", they think I'm really unintelligent, in way I will agree I am because at times I'm going a bit hot headed causing me not to think straight. I'll just say the problem is my personality, in which I don't go too well with it. I mean... to be honest I just go where my personality takes me, I really need to control my thoughts, it's not easy trying to make your point when having multiple things running through your head, as I am writing this, I am finding it hard to think on what to jot down because of all this commotion going on through my mind. I might have done alot of grammar mistakes and spelling checks wrong, but I type fast, so it's hard to get everything down correctly when typing fast. *sigh* I need to sit down and have a think. I'm gonna go to bed, the next episode of the walking dead video game is out tomorrow (can't wait). I'll check back in tomorrow and hopefully I will have learned to calm down and I can think straight on what to write, or whatever word I'm looking for.