Mar 16 2013, 10:06 PM

Relieving bit by bit.. The more Joey and I talk, the more I seem to learn. I had known when him and I first started talking that about a year or 2 ago that he had a crush on me. But today I have realized that maybe that crush never ended. I am still with Tanner, but I do have a crush on my best friend. Lately, I felt like I was the reason why Joey broke up with his girlfriend, so I stopped logging on for the sake of them staying together. I have found out that I am not the problem. I just that person awkwardly in the middle of them. Amanda thinks that I am her best friend, and so does Joey. I try to be there for both of them, and I am trying not to pick sides, but if it came down to it, I would defiantly be on Joey's side. Not just because I like him, it is because I have known Joey for years now, and I have only known Amanda for less then a month. But today I noticed Joey was off a little bit. I confronted him about it, and it turns out he has been doing a lot of thinking. And what he has been thinking about, in a way, shocked me. I don't know if I should be flattered, or shocked. Joey had been playing truth or dare with his friends and he kissed his friend Sarah. And he was honest with Amanda and told her what had happened. But in return she was a bitch to him. I mean I guess she had a right to mad. But what he had done, is done. I have never cheated, so I tried to help, but I don't know if any advice I gave him was any good. But somehow we got onto the topic of him liking other girls. He told me, "everytime i see a girl i used to like den i still hav feelings for her n say in mah head: damn shez hot n all dat bs den i say: sdfu u like manda den i see 2 of mah exs dat dumped me n i say i dont like dem den mah mind wanna go: i still do like u den da other side of mah mind goez: sdfu u dont like her u like manda" Then he said, "it's just between 2 or 3 girls n manda." And asked if I wanted to know who the 3 girls were. Being the curious me, I said sure And he replied, " u, n isabella, ify on emily tho " I mean I am happy he is into me, but I still feel like I am betraying Amanda. I am not going to try to do anything to destroy their relationship, but that doesn't mean I won't tell Joey my honest opinion. I just think sometimes Amanda takes being with Joey for granted, and I think Joey gets sick of it. That is probably why he does stuff like that. I mean from what he tells me about Amanda, she honestly sounds like an over controlling, over reacting, pain to handle. And I hate to say that behind her back, but it is honestly the way he describes her. I just really hope everything turns out okay, and like I have told him, if he is happy, I am happy for him.

Mar 10 2013, 07:14 PM

Uncovered.. My whole night has just been made. Joey broke up with his girlfriend, and I am happy I can be there for him through all of this. But he hasn't excatly been taking it too bad. Amanda(Joey's now ex) has gave Joey so much bullshit that he said fuck it and dumped her. Once he dumped her, he told me he has had a huge weight lifted off of his chest. I am happy for him that he is happy. The one thing I can't stand is to watch him deal with people that take him for granted. Or for him to be hurt, or unhappy. Joey is my bestfriend/broher/crush. And he knows that. Today I decided to tell him the main courses of my childhood. He said things would be okay..and hugged me. Then I got to wondering and asked: Me:"1: When you think of me, and what you know what do you think? And 2: How would you describe me?" Joey:"o: well. i think i hav a crush on u o.o i mean at times i accidently almost kissed u but bcuz u haz a bf n i sed im not gunna date any1 elze or anythin i hav to think b4 i do sumthin xD n i wud describe u as a vereh beautiful girl with a beautiful personality but has been crushed by so many guys she doesnt know how amazing she really is." For once I actually smiled, and he made my whole night. I would definatly date him, but 1, I wouldn't want it to mess up our relationship we have now, and 2, I don't know if him being 16, and me being 12 would work. :I I mean I don't know how others would responde to it.. And it wouldn't be fair to him to keep "us" a secret from all my family and most my friends. Maybe him and I will work it out somehow.. I hope so..without it messing up what we have now..

Mar 10 2013, 07:01 PM

I never asked for this to be my childhood.. When I was younger my Dad was depressed and taking lots of meds. I somehow ended up living with my grandma most of the time when I was little. My Mom got me(and my sister) back, and we lived with my Mom, and an acholic, druggy step dad. When I was about 6 or 7 my step dad basically went awire and abused my Mom, imagine watching your mom at 6/7 years old with a shotgun to her head..We moved to Virginia after that, and my step dad became single, and got put in jail, then a mental institution. So we are living in Virginia for about 6 months when things where getting back to normal when my Mom with a couple other people got busted doing strong drugs(one could've exploded) in the basement. My Mom got charges for drugs, child indangerment, and for the name of the house being under her name and her knowing that was going on. Imagine then, watching your Mom being put in a cop car at 8 years old knowing you weren't gonna be seeing her anytime soon. That is when my other grandma came and got us. I was so shooken up that I didn't even go to school. That is when my Dad came and got us. We moved back to Indiana, and my sister moved in with my Aunt, while I lived at home with my Dad who was addicted to pain medication, drank, did drugs, and was always asleep or didn't feel good, and with an alcoholic step mom. My self harm(started when I saw the gun to my Mom) got worse. That is when my Dad divorced my step mom, and we moved into the country. My Dad was the same, so I basicially took care of myself. I started talking to people off the internet. Soon my sister moved back in and it was canstant fighting. I remember sitting in my room with the razor dug into my wrist, while my iPod was up completely still being able to hear the echo of the screaming and crashing. I would wake up, with that, go to school and get bullied, and then come back home to the same thing. Soon my Dad began to drink so much, that he would abuse me and forget about what he had done the night before. That is when I met my gf Cat(I think you already know the story about her death) I nearly killed myself, until I met a guy named Andrew. I fell hard for him, and he dumped me, I attempted suicide(again) and then I was anti-social for awhile. I grew very angry and hated everything including myself. I was just getting over Andrew when I found out he was with my best friend. That is the night I nearly got raped by a guy, after I got out of a fight with a big biiig girl that nobody liked. I didn't know what to think. My Dad then met a new girl and married her not knowing anything about her. She is now my current step-mom. Things now are okay unless my step-mom is upset about something. My Dad usually puts her first. But other then that okay I guess. But I still dwell on the past, only because Ive forgotten what it is like to be happy. And I have forgot what it is like to look forward instead of backwards... Half of this, I never asked for, and some of this, has only made me as fucked up as I am today. Never once would I think this should be a childhood. This^^ is worth burning and forgetting..

Mar 08 2013, 06:44 PM

Stabbed.. Have you ever had that one crush that you everything about, he knows you like him, but your both with seprate people? Yeah, I have someone like that..His name is Joey. I have known Joey for just about 3 years. And I've had a crush on him for about 3 years. After a year of knowing him, I finially admitted to him that I liked him. He didn't make that big of a deal out of it, and he remembers it. I go to Joey for everything. Advice, someone to talk to, and he comes to me as well. I feel like I have been stabbed through the heart..again. I absolutly hate hanging around him..and his girlfriend. I don't think he would understand that though, I mean 1, he probably doesn't have a crush on me, and 2, he doesn't have to hang around my boyfriend. Every single time I hang around him and his girlfriend I feel like he instantly stabs me, and hurts me over and over again, but I am to coward to say something.. He doesn't intentually mean to do this, but he does.. I just wish he could understand.. So I guess until I can get enough courage to talk to him, I will remain stabbed..

Mar 05 2013, 05:52 PM

Why? Why do I continue to allow people to just shove me around like I am a bumper car? I tend to stay in the shadows, afraid to just state my opinion. Like a doll almost. I don't like the way I am treated, but I don't dare speak a word just for the scare that just maybe somebody would realize who I really am. I mean sure, anybody can say "Well, I care about you." but honestly to me, actions speak way louder then words ever can or will. I am now attending a new school this year to make a new reputation. To make everybody believe that I am a happy person with lots of friends, but in reality I am just being a big fake. Making my whole life just a scene in a movie. I was just about convinced that this would make me happy when honestly, it has only drove me insane. It isn't easy to just pretend to be somebody your not. You build up all of this emotion, all of this rage inside, and soon your little "Happy mask" begins to break into little non-replacable parts, and that is when you get masking glue and make a new mask only a little bit stronger each time. And before you know it you become some anti-social hateful person. But yet you refuse to let anybody really know it. And when you explain it to somebody, they just look at you and practially laugh in your face. They think there is no way your a fucked up person on the inside based on the person you make yourself out to be. I have only once poured my heart out to one person. He is adressed by the name Andrew. He basically told me he had no idea how I keep myself together. He is included in one of the chapters in my life time, one of my good chapters in my book that turned into disastor. He was one of the people who crushed me. And I still look down at the scar on my wrist from when him and I had broken up. 3 There is absoulutly nothing I regret in my life, because I know I would have never been the person I appear to be today if it wasn't for my past. Sure I am fucked up, but that doesn't mean I haven't fully gave up all hope. Recently I have been trying to go to Youth Group. I am thinking maybe if I can start bonding a new and improved relationship with The Lord Jesus then maybe things might get easier, just maybe God is the answer to my problems. I hadn't really believed in the whole God theory before, but now I am actually giving it a try. Maybe my past is the challange God has gave me to face. Maybe he is trying to tell me something, but I am not getting the complete moto he is trying to get me to understand. The same question, "why" has ran through my head many times in the last few years. And it is possible that just maybe that question isn't meant to be answered. As humans, our minds cannot grasp the idea of neverness or the idea of on and on forever. So maybe that is something that my mind including just can't get the consept of. I am still clueless on the reasons behind the reason I've acted the way I have lately, but maybe the answers will just run into me or something..It would sure be nice if they did.

Mar 04 2013, 06:37 PM

Forever to myself.. I almost always seem to think and believe that I have to with stand everything, every battle, and everything by myself. I've been letured and lectured about everything I should and shouldn't do, and I know my right from wrongs, but there is a feeling deep down, that I know that tells me that I simply just do not care. Recently I have became anti-social. I am only social to the friends of which I have already made. Those who's faces I do not reconize become another person of who I don't care to know anything about. I walk around town, walk in the hallways at school, and even in my own home, and yet I feel as if I see the world in somebody else's eyes. The way I am becoming I know can't be okay, but as each day goes by I just continue to let myself slip away. I am fully aware of the situation, but I don't care to prevent it. But who can blame me? My father gets drunk and flashes out. Tells me all of which only leaves mental scars on me, and yet he will never know. I look backwards, it is if my memories are in constant re-play, remembering how my childhood got burned to pieces bit by bit not even realizing it. I know I need to start looking forward, and at least try to be "happy" but how is this suppose to happen when the only way I can remember how to feel or think is sad, and in the past. Forever in myself I shall stay. The only person you can truely trust would have to only be yourself. Any other human being other than myself that I trust...Well they must be pretty damn lucky..