It’s killing me, killing me
Dead and gone, what's done is done
You were all I had become
I'm letting go of what I once believed
So goodbye agony Goodbye Agony, by Black Veil Brides
I haven't been here in like 20 days and every day I think about the times I had on this site back in freshman year.
Now look where I'm at.
Barely here and in senior year.
Yippie.
Being in a relationship with a sensitive person is really difficult when you're mainly apathetic and half of the times empathetic.
I feel like I'm just draining myself to make everyone happy, including them. I feel like I'm already failing at being a decent boyfriend.
If I can't do that, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? If I leave them, they get upset. If I stay, I think they'll leave me eventually.
Reason #1 why you should never date me
Every day I look at stars and say to myself "Starlight star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, first star I see tonight."
After you say that phrase, you're supposed to make a wish.
My wish everyday:
"I wish things will go well tomorrow. I wish things will be different than today in a good way."
Every day, something different happens, but rarely is it ever good.
Is it my fault because I can't make myself have a good time when I can, or is it because my life is boring?
Or is it because I've become blind again while seeing too much of the wrong thing.
I don't know.
I can't remember the last time I had a good day without any shitty thing getting in the way of the day in its entirety.
Not only do they happen in one day, but they're just a long stream of events that just feel like they're leading up to nothing.
I feel like I should know others might feel the same that I feel, but I feel alone.
I have no one to turn to because even the person who I called a best friend can't always help me, and she has her best friend, and that isn't me.
The person I called best friend for the past 2 years up and disappeared and I can't find him...
The person I called best friend last summer while I was in Texas up and left because of my swinging depression that I couldn't go to anyone else for. They refuse to say anything to me since then.
The person I called best friend back in middle and elementary school abandoned me because she found so many more people she deemed better to replace me.
Am I okay with all of the best friends I've lost and the one I currently have?
I guess. I can't complain since I have to deal with what I have.
I don't like being alone unless it's when I want to be. And I don't want to be alone.
I try so hard not to be so difficult to befriend or to love. I try so hard to be friendly and not take wrong turns, but it never works.
People always see through and find out all of it is empty words.
I'm a transparent body with a fading heart, and everything that belongs is slowly falling apart.
But I guess not many people see.
I try to not let people see because I want others to be happy before I let myself.
I couldn't think for myself because I'm unoriginal. I'm just a copy. But I do it so other people can have the chance to be more original.
I bring myself down so others can get farther. I hate it because when I want to be there sometimes, I'm left behind. But I only have myself to blame.
I guess I'm what people would call useless and lazy and pathetic.
Do I have a choice to fix it?
I guess.
But would it really help me if I'm still going to be going in circles regardless?
The endless amount of circles I've gone in to make people happy.
Those circles are all I've ever known. Ever since depression and anxiety have met me as a child, they've been there every day patiently waiting to attack me at any time. Even at night, causing me to find alternatives to music, crying, or thinking to rid my mind of the thoughts that could keep me up all night, paranoid.
But guess what.
99% of the shit that's happened in my life happened because I let it and because I caused it to do so.
It's my fault I'm like this, and I seem to choose to do nothing.
At this point, I've gone back and forth on how to fix it or just make it worse to the point where I become numb to emotions, pain, and then become the lifeless robot that lives off water and schoolwork. No fun, no food, and most likely no sleep.
I'd just be lifeless.
But hey.
I would have no one to blame because it's all on myself.
Why the fuck not, right?
No one would care.
No one would see.
No one would know.
It's what you people probably want. Laugh. Laugh at this pathetic and worthless piece of shit. Do it.
I'm allowing you to.
I don't care.
Any pain brought upon me is deserved. I've dealt enough pain to everyone I've met.
Why not let them have their fun indtead?
I need a manager or something. I can't pay for one, but I will definitely give credit on whatever I produce.
I mainly need a manager for YouTube and music career purposes.
If anyone could help me out, throw me a message. I don't care where in the world you live, just make sure you can speak English (I assume it's a given)
My one wish for my birthday this year is to see my bro. He's around 2 hours away from where I live, but I really really want to see him because I've been worried and I really want to see him like I promised.
I hope he's alright and I hope everyone else I left is alright. Some of the people I left where not meant to be left, but I left because of the people I intentionally left for. The people who made the site unenjoyable for some was part of the reason I left. But I regret it a bit because I don't know if the people I care about are okay.
I hope they are.
I made a cover of my favourite song.
If anyone reads these, check it out please?
I've been dying for my channel to get some feedback and responses so I can make it better.
I am so lost honestly. I feel like I can't choose between anything or anyone and my mind can't seem to focus on the right things anymore. I feel like I've tricked so many people and people believed it. I don't know if I can keep up with myself and I don't know if I can fix my life so I don't feel like I'm lying to people.
What's worse is I know self diagnosis is wrong, but there are things that just make sense that I most likely have. I know I could be 100% wrong, but I just can't keep wondering what is wrong with me.
I'm still exhausted so much that I'm barely able to stay awake in classes, and I've been getting the same amount of sleep too. My depression hit a low the other day when I cut ties with 2 people I used to call my friends. They were the ones who caused my depression, so I found no need to try to keep being friends with them. They had each other, so whatever.
I skipped school today so I could avoid people. I'm in the mood to talk to a select few of people, so yeah. I just wish people would quit using me to get other people to do something. I just want to be happy and proud of myself for something instead of trying to bring myself down because I'm involved with other peoples' shit.
I cannot stand how exhausted I get every single day. Regardless how early I go to bed, I fall asleep or start falling asleep in some random ass class. It's so annoying and I need to understand what it is.
If you didn't say it in the first place, we could've still been friends. If you didn't say it the way you did, I could've forgiven you. If you apologised to my face and didn't just sit there trying to take your stance, I wouldn't have left you. If you just stayed quiet, everything would've gotten better. But you said you had to voice your opinion. No one else's feelings mattered in this situation but your own. You were too selfish to understand how we feel about our body weight. You were too selfish to actually care how much you hurt me. You were too busy sticking up for yourself where you didn't see how much I was crying the moment you said we were physically ugly. You were too arrogant to listen to how my mind kept telling me to go kill myself today or to just starve myself until I'm just skin and bones. But you're too selfish to care for anyone except your girlfriend and yourself. Your friends don't matter. You stopped caring because I started leaving. I only left because you were becoming the source of my depression and anxiety. I couldn't take how much you talked about her and how many problems I had to help fix but you always took all the credit as if my words weren't from the heart. You just take me as an animal you kick around so easily. You never really cared. And for all the shit I have done for you, you couldn't have just kept your mouth shut for one thing that had to do with me. You didn't understand how it felt when you said anyone over 200 pounds was unattractive and fat. You don't know how long it took me to actually understand that the scale is just telling me a number. You don't know how long it took me to try to understand why people called themselves fat and they didn't care. You don't know how many nights I've stayed up, overslept, refused to eat, or worked until my body was almost to the brink of collapsing. You don't know how long my weight has been haunting me and torturing me like a shadow that refuses to go away. You don't know how long I've been heavy and the doctor has told me my weight is unacceptable. You don't know how long I've thought that I was the ugliest person in the entire world because of how much I weigh, regardless how much I try to control what I eat. You don't know how long I've felt unloved because of how much I weigh. You never cared to know. You only remember what you cared to remember. You never cared about me. Even after how long of a time I spent to make myself care about you with my heart.
I hope you're happy with what you said. I really hope you're happy I was literally 2 seconds from trying to get hit by a car going full speed in front of my school people. I really hope you're happy you voiced your opinion and hurt someone you said you cared about. I really hope you're fucking happy.
