Apr 28 2015, 09:14 PM

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to eat dinner and I eat so much when I get home. I hate that because I used to always eat at every meal. Now I sit in bed doing nothing or sleeping while my mom and sister eat. I know I need to lose weight, but I thought I could've started a plan, but I have little motivation to do so. I feel like I'm on my own and I put myself that way. I pushed Zaeda and Dai away. The two people who mattered most. Now that I've lost them, I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I wasn't such an idiot in the first place. This is why I can't keep friends. This is why I am always lonely. This is why my depression got worse.

Apr 23 2015, 08:14 PM

I think I've gotten to the point in my life where me being myself has become a major issue and has lead people to leave my life quite easily. I don't know what to feel anymore, I have been feeling so numb and just blank without Zaeda and Dai there to talk to me when I need and want to. I feel like when I need one most, they aren't there, and it breaks my heart honestly. No one seems to care about me anymore, especially since I've become the most idiotic piece of shit that could exist on this planet. But it's my fault no one cares. I accept that it's my fault no one can have fun. I accept that it's my fault that peoples' lives are going downhill. I have, do, and will forever accept the fact that I'm the reason why people have the worst portion of their life while I'm there. I always have. I still do. I always will. Because it's nothing less than the truth. People hate me. And it's easy to tell. I just really want to go and rot in a forest where rarely anyone could find me. I think that's become more of my fate than my wish.

Apr 09 2015, 01:17 AM

Every time someone swarms around a friend of mine, I suddenly feel unwanted. It's like I was happy, and joyful, and playful. Until people came around, snatched the rug from under me, and took the prize while I was still falling, and still looking. It's not my fault I'm lame. I can't help it, every time someone looks at me they are revolted and end up leaving my sight. Everyone has a reason to make fun of me because of how I look. I don't look like a woman. I don't look like a man. I don't look like an adult. I don't look like a child. I look like a confused, ageless blob that calls itself a 16 year old male. And it appears I am the only one in my life who sees it. I just wish I wasn't so freaking hideous that I revolted everyone by just a short glance of me. I just wish I could look like a real guy. Look like I am something and not just a flat out blob of colour. I just wish I wasn't so alone. Entertaining is hard when you don't have any good talents. I just wish I would live in a cave. It's dark, no one could see me and become revolted. There's little food, so I could just starve myself. There's little company, no one would be bored. I just wish I didn't exist anymore, because in the end, if I kept living, I would just be a disgrace and lame excuse for a human. I just wish someone loved me like how others loved their good friends and best friends. I just want to be loved instead of hated.

Mar 29 2015, 03:17 AM

So quote: Only know you love her when you let her go. I had a good friend of mine advise me that it's possibly best to be only friends with the person I have a pretty big crush on than to try hard and try to make it mine. But I also read something. It was about a flower. It looks so beautiful when it first blooms, so you have to not pick it. If you pick the flower, it dies and loses what you loved about it. When you love something, leave it be. Love is about appreciation, not personal property. Now that I sound smart, it's probably time to continue with my comments. But the guy I like, he might just like me as friends and only friends. And though you can't turn it around, you can support them if they find someone who is most likely better than you. Or even not better than you. But if you love someone, don't take them and claim them like personal property unless that person is willing to go a distance whilst in your friendship, relationship, any -ship. Always appreciate love, don't always claim it.

Mar 28 2015, 05:14 PM

Well I think I am gonna learn to occupy myself with something I like to do so I don't end up pulling out the whole depressed scene. My AvPD kicked in way too many times and it's killing me inside out now. I want to try to be happy while making others happy. I have a guy I like, I have goals in my life to achieve, I want to live my life. I want to meet my brother, my wife, my friend, and my crush. Is that too hard to ask for? Ya know. I have goals, I should at least try to meet them. I have been having my transition in mind a bit recently, and I'm trying to find some ways to get around my parents' minds to give me men's clothing instead of girls clothing. Also if I'm going to even think about kids. But that's too early. And if I'm gonna start testosterone before or after I start college. I don't know. I'm confused and it's killing me because I'm gonna have to take a lot of time researching now and then trying to plan everything before college. I just want to be a real boy before I'm 18.

Mar 27 2015, 02:25 PM

Do Not Read This If You Are: Zaeda, Angel, or Daimen. Thank you. Ya know what I just realised? I fuck up everyone's life no matter what. My feelings shouldn't matter to others. People shouldn't care about what I feel about their situations. I may think I'm looking out for them and saying it's probably best, but it's probably jealousy and stupidity blocking them from doing stuff they probably would love to do. I've probably stopped Dai, Angel, Zaeda, and so many other people from having a really good time. All because I thought I knew better. What I realised is I know nothing compared to them. They're all more mature than I am, and can possibly do so much better without my presence and opinion. I just don't get why they haven't even abandoned me yet. I've asked them all to just leave me, but as always I keep running back like a lost puppy. I bet they would leave me if I asked them to again. I am such a bunch of nonsense. Inside I feel like they would want me dead if I were to show them how I really could be. I'm pretty sure someone I know wants me dead, slowly or mercilessly. And I have a feeling one of them would literally leave me in an instant if I mentioned anything about myself. Honestly, I've been giving myself way too much credit for stuff I really shouldn't have any credit for. Zaeda. Dai. Angel. I'm sorry. You're beyond better off without me. Don't worry about me if I disappear for a while... Just realise it'll be for the best for me to leave your lives I love you guys so much But I need to go. Goodbye

Mar 21 2015, 08:31 AM

Well, I officially fucked up. I just have so much lately. Yesterday's journals were probably where I have fucked up. I know no one reads them, except for 2 people I know of. Both of those people mean a ton to me. I wrote a message to my friend last night too, but I doubt he's going to read it, and I know he doesn't read journals. He means a lot to me too. Those three people mean a lot to me. And last night was possibly the lowest I get to. I've probably been worse but only difference is I cry until my eyes are red, and my face is puffy. So many people say if I leave then they will too. But I never want that. I've only kept living because I wanted others to never mourn over something like me. People mourn over the death of important people, unless they're strong and they don't mourn. I shouldn't be important to anyone honestly. Really. But just last night was the point where I did have enough of my existence. But instead of thinking about how everyone else would feel, I only thought about how I thought they would be. Not how they probably would actually feel if I left. I don't want to imagine anyone crying over my death, or anyone worrying if I end up with cancer, or anyone feeling sorry for me if my male surgery goes wrong. I just want people to move on, even if I'm suffering. Because honestly, I know that I deserve it. I've done 16 years of pure wrong, and no one sees it except me. I hate mentioning it because it only drives me to want to leave people to go and live where no one does. I've done so much bullshit in the past, it isn't fair to anyone. And I know I still do the same mistakes as I did when I was younger. But everyday I constantly just think to myself about the things that have gone right, and then the things that have gone wrong and how it will affect my future. Everyday I just look at my flaws and say "No one will ever want to fix me, date me, have kids with me, or even want to be within a kilometre radius." Everyday I just think about my fears and say "You're too scared of everything. You'll never be able to survive like your brother has. You're gonna be the first of the population to die in this competition." Everyday I think about my habits and personality and say "You really suck. You care about everyone too much, you get too butt hurt at things so much as a joke. You're the reason why people don't any to be around you. And you're just a mess. You don't do anything and you would be seriously useless to someone else. No one would hire you, be friends with you, hang out with you, talk to you, even just sit next to you. You're better off being in a bubble underground in the middle of the North Pole in the ground." Those are the honest things I say to myself everyday. Most of it is true, I know this for a fact. But I don't want anyone to say they're sorry for me or anything. I just wanted to let someone see how I really am. I'm worse than what I've described here, I do add detail when I'm by myself. I add in everything I know about myself and just put it into the stuff I say to myself. That's what I do, everyday. And now you guys know what I do when I feel low and I resist even grabbing the scissors or knives to cut for the first time. I talk to myself in the second person, and I just insult myself for hours and hours until someone comes along to say something or I do something else.

Mar 20 2015, 10:09 PM

No one is gonna stop me. Please, anyone who says they care about me, just give up on me. No point in trying to hope for the good for someone who is just a piece the nothing who just happens to breathe on the earth. I have lied to many of you. I hate to say it, and I might say something different later (usually what you hear everyday). I have lied. I doubt I'm even under the transgender umbrella, I doubt I'm even LGBT+ in the first place. I doubt I even have a heart inside and have compassion. I doubt I look like I weigh less than what I actually do. I doubt I even feel wolf, panda, or lion in me. I doubt I'm even emotional. I'm probably the most cold hearted, closed minded human being on this earth. I'm probably that force that drives everyone to want to kill themselves quickly. I'm probably that force that constantly nags you to do something you don't want to do. I'm probably that force that just leads people to just want to live on a different planet or place me on that uninhabited planet, or better yet, just put a fucking death sentence on me. That's probably best. Or just lead myself to go and do it. It wouldn't be so wrong if I walked in front of a car, train, or bus and made it look like it was my fault. I just don't have a reason to stay on earth anymore. I know everyone would be doing 400000% better than they are right now if I didn't exist. I think people just lie to me when they say they need me, or want me around, or say they like/love me. No one can love anyone like me. But fortunately there is no one like me. So when I'm gone, no one else would have to suffer. Everyone has an invisible purpose on this world, and I'm the one who didn't receive that purpose. Because I'm an idiot, a dimwit, and just so plain ignorant of everything around me. It's my fault I destroy so many people and their lives. Why couldn't I just have been born and then suffocated by my own parents or doctor? Why couldn't I just have been dead when I was 7??? I shouldn't have lived these past 9 years. I really shouldn't have. I haven't changed at all since I was little. I'm still the fuckwit I was then. I wanted to die so badly everyday, no matter who tried to cheer me up. I always smiled, and it wasn't fake, but at the end of the day I just wanted to cry and grab the kitchen knife I was forbidden from using. My life now has more accepting people then it did when I was 7, but people still don't want me around. I've always questioned my family and friends asking if they love me, they always said yes. I always always questioned my parents if they loved me for real. They said if they didn't, someone would've given me away by now. But I'm sure that out of me and my sister, they love my 12 year old sister more than their 16 year old son (daughter to them). I bet if the other 6 babies of my mom's weren't all miscarriages, my mom would still give me away because I'm shit. They both even said they want nothing to do with me when I turn 18 and become more like myself. My mom told me never to come back home, my dad doesn't even want to look me in the eye with a happy smile, my sister doesn't even want me around her nor her future family. No one wants me around, and now I understand why. Go ahead and hate me. The hate is necessary, because I don't need love anymore. No one wants me around.

Mar 20 2015, 09:18 PM

It doesn't feel right. Just sitting around waiting to turn 18 and then meet who I want. If I wait, they will get bored of me. All of my friends have gotten bored and annoyed by me so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to say I have AvPD because it's impossible for me to have any disorder. [I have the tendency to just be who I hear about, therefore I just doubt I'm really myself.] It is my fault they don't want me around anymore, and it's because I've been such a jerk to them. Regardless of who they are, I always end up hurting them directly or indirectly. Like I've said before, I am not important, hence why people should just let me go. This weekend, I will probably be avoiding every source of social media I have, and just stay in my room for the entire weekend. I should only do homework and do what is necessary. I probably will force myself to starve soon anyways, I am beyond the point of just fat. I probably won't sleep because of my lack of interaction with the people I need/want. If I end up sick, it's what I deserve. I don't care about myself anymore. I'm just trying to make others' lives better by leaving myself out of the equation. I don't want to hurt them anymore. I'm sick of destroying my friends' happiness and freedom. I just want to be a normal friend. Why can't I just live a day or two without my friends? Why can't I just talk to my friends without being attracted to them at least once in the end? Why can't I just be normal? That's what my friends want, hence why I should just be left behind; however, they choose to stay and take pain. I don't get the point. My punishment for hurting people stands and I won't forget it again. I'm done being that person who ruins everyone's life just by their presence. I just don't want to be the main source of their pain anymore. Please, someone else. Save my friends from me, I am unworthy of them and their time.

Mar 15 2015, 06:50 PM

Don't even waste your time reading this. Why is it that always when I have something good happen, something comes around and takes that good feeling away from me? People tell others to be optimistic, and even I told Angel that everyday when she felt terrible that day. I always try to put a smile on everyone's face, but I just don't feel like I can. And I doubt I ever have been able to. I feel like no one even wants me here anymore. I've tried to make some friends, but it's too hard. People don't like me, my bipolar attitude, my repelling personality. Everything about me is easy to hate right off the bat. And I feel as though people just don't tell me what they really think to my face. People say that I am wanted and just one thing that could make their day better, but I know in my head that those are not their real thoughts. I really feel as though no one wants or needs me around, and I know it's true. Everyone rejects me in their mind but doesn't say it to me. Because they know how weak I am. They know I wouldn't survive in this world living on the truth. Honestly, I think I should just cancel on my friends about my birthday weekend because I know they don't really want me around. They wouldn't want me around, I know everyone has someone more important to them than me. And it's going to always be true. Even if I meet someone (or have met) who said they find me as one of the most important things, I know they don't mean it. Even if I met someone who might be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I know eventually they would get so easily sick of me that they would just walk away from me and move on to someone else. I really don't want anyone to tell me I'm important, because that is one of the things I won't believe. I know I'm not important, wanted, nor needed. So please, just leave me to cry and rot in a corner alone.