I feel like I want to cry, and the main reason why is because I feel like I drove him away. He was gone for a while and I thought about him constantly, the good times we had, the things I always fucked up on while talking to him, and if he was okay. My friends said he was busy, and I could understand that. But I feel like I messed up indirectly and just made him hate me. I feel like I know what I did but I don't think I do. I know I'm too clingy for anyone, I easily mess things up, and no matter how hard I try I always drive them away to go to someone else. I know it's only me who destroys everything so easily. I depended on conversations with him to brighten my mood, but then I realised that's probably the main reason why I fucked up our friendship. Also for the fact that I liked him to the point that I always mentioned hoping to be with him when I meet him face to face. I know that really has to be main reason why he hates me. I honestly feel like I should move on from liking him so much, but I just can't get rid of the hope that none of this is true and that he still wants to be friends.
I just can't live with myself if I fucked something up that people said was so beautiful, and what I thought was a passage to an escape from reality.
I destroy too much. But I can't help it, I really cared for him and I still do. I just don't know if I should keep caring, or if I should just exit his life completely.
I just want to cry, alone. So I don't end up destroying you too.
I had the most depressing day today. I missed Zaeda like hell, I had little time to talk to Angel, I passed out on Daimen, I ended up making people angry at me. I feel like more and more people dislike me everyday. I guess I was made to destroy and only destroy.
I wonder...
I wonder if she knows I exist.
As I sit in class, daydreaming
Only to watch the snow outside gleaming
And to miss the feelings I was feeling.
I wonder if he ever liked talking to me.
Just because I sat next to him in class
Out of those only seats available near glass
So I could look outside, to let time pass.
I wonder if he really wanted to be my friend.
Only because we were of same gender
I had questions out of thought and wonder
And I still wonder why I still bother.
I wonder if he really likes me.
I hate to question it, but I always have
And am always lost in his eyes that are seemingly glad
Just to see his smile reminds me to look ahead.
I wonder.
Night falls and I'm alone.
I don't wanna be alone, I don't wanna die alone.
It's a quarter after 1 and I'm all alone and I need you now.
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive and I walk alone.
Leave us alone, you're on your own.
I don't ever wanna be alone, alone.
Alone at last we can sit and fight.
Because in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I am honestly so scared of losing him. I can't call him mine and I doubt I ever will be able to. I missed him while he was gone, I just don't think he likes me anymore or never did in the first place. I'm sorry if he's right now reading it, but I feel like I messed up. I'm just sorry I made my mistakes, I wanted to refrain from making any mistakes but seems like that can't happen. I'm sorry, I just think some things would be better if I didn't make the mistakes I made.
They all go away
He hears the screams, as if it were his own.
They sound like the fears he though he left alone
"Why why? What did I do?" He used to say
When only running made him scared to go away.
"Go away, I don't want you here!" He screamed loud
When there were nothing but trees and a cliff around.
"I don't know what I did." He whispered in disbelief
Only to slowly crank his neck toward the blackness and weep.
"Just let me go I'm not wanted, I get it!!!" screamed once more
Only to have his head shoved into a wall by a peer or kicked to the floor
The next day he didn't go to school, no more screaming
But the fears and memories haunt him, and the only one was me hearing.
I wasn't a bystander, if so I would've done something
But it's sad to come home to the bruises and scars and those things
And it was when he got home, he felt in his place, happily safe
That him and I felt the bruises and scars going off our skins. They all go away.
Flippin valentines day is tomorrow, and still no valentine because I don't have the flippin guts to ask him. He said he might be going out that day so I don't want to stop him. I rather let him just go than try to convince him to stay. I don't want to be selfish, I just want to be patient and all the weirdness with it.
But yeah, he might be going out, leaving me with still very few options. I honestly don't want a valentine out of sympathy anymore. Those types of valentines are annoying because I get offers for those too often. Truthfully I don't like valentines day because I always have no true valentine or I end up going home crying because I'm still flippin lonely. I don't feel as lonely as I did before I met him and some of my friends. And I'm happy I don't feel as lonely anymore. I just wish I wasn't so chicken to ask before. So I'll try it now, hope it works.
InsomniZaeda, be my valentine? c:
So for the past few days I've be feeling iffy about things. Like I am just mentally too lazy to think about how I feel. And it kinda goes for it all. I wanted to cut my hair, now I'm saying it doesn't matter. I say my gender is guy and I rather be in my designated place, but today it just didn't matter. It felt a bit odd. I'm not sure this happens often but it doesn't happen for longer than a week or a few days.
But seriously, I have to say, what the fuck u.u
And shoutout to the kitty cat who made my day this morning cx and you're very special to me too. I'm just trying not to scare you away >.
I wrote a letter to my mom about being transgender and about getting a hair cut, and she told me flat out no. For like the billionth time. She doesn't ducking get it. I gave her papers, the option to ask me about it. And she still doesn't fucking get it. I'm going to my school principal about it because I can't handle this anymore. I'm sick of just sitting here and just rotting in the wrong body I'm being forced to embrace when it's not even mine to begin with.
Is anyone willing to help me out here? Please? Just willing to be there when I need them and even when I just want to talk to them for fun? Even bother taking me in for who I am and not as just an outcast or weirdo?
I just want someone who would help me regardless of what or who I am, but do it because they would for me to not get hurt or try suicide for the first time...
Please, my dysphoria is killing me....
