Jun 07 2015, 08:16 PM

Okay, so the FBI send a pop up to my phone saying I have illegal and inappropriate content on my phone and now I can't do anything with it. So I have to have my mom get the number changed. That is bull shit. All I do on my phone is text my friends, sometimes Skype them, and play games. I look at drawings of fantasy creatures on the Internet, research PTSD, depression and panic disorder, look up service dogs websites, manage my Facebook, twitter, pininterest and tumblr and google quotes and sayings. There is no illegal content on my phone. This is bull shit.

Apr 27 2015, 03:45 PM

Okay, so my doctor confirmed what I already knew. I have Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I'm on medication for those. And I have to go see a counselor for me to get tested for PTSD. So not looking forward to that. I'm not antidepressants now though. I have to take them in the morning with food. I never eat breakfast in the morning. The medicine will help me sleep at night. It'll get my body to know when day and night is. It won't work right away. Of course I have to start off with a small dosage. I found a nonprofit organization in Indiana that can help me get a service dog. It'll take almost two years, but I think I can wait that long. And even better, some of the dogs are trained by inmates. I wrote the information down for my mom. She should be googling them soon. I still haven't gotten my pass for SATs printed off yet. My mom is going to take me tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous about it. I'm really nervous about prom on Friday. I'm going alone, and even though I will have friends there, I'm still worried. I might have to ask my neighbor's son, Wesley, to take me. He's long to prom too. He's pretty cool. Not that I talk to him much. Although I look awesome in my prom dress. I still haven't shown it to my dad yet, but he will see it on Friday. I'm not going to school Friday either. It'll take me a good part if the day to get ready. I have to do my make up, hair, nails, get dressed for it, shower, shave. It'll take me a while. Plus I'm going to be stressed out too. More so than I already am. It's just scary. This is going to be the first dance I've gone to that wasn't for Webo. The first one where I'm not surrounded by my close friends. It just wont feel normal. I did have a really bad panic attack on Thursday last week. My dad called the cops in the kids that caused it too. I was harassed walking home from the bus stop and assaulted by two of them. I've had enough. I already have plenty of problems. And really you shouldn't cause someone with panic disorder to have a panic attack. Your house is where you should feel safe. And the panic attack lasted for two hours. It felt like my heart was seizing up in my chest. Like I was having a heart attack. My sister has gotten on my last nerve when it comes to my turtle. I get back for my doctor's appointment, my mom had to change out of her uncomfortable work shirt, and I go to check on my turtle and his bowl was moved. As was his light and his rock. If you're going to mess with someone's stuff, make sure that you put it back the way you found it in the exact spot.

Apr 23 2015, 07:56 AM

Okay, so its been a while since I last made an entry. My life is in shambles right now. I have a break down last Friday and I'm still recovering from that. I'm just trying to get through this week and the weekend. I have to go to the doctor. I'm going to get tested for PTSD, depression and two anxiety disorders. It was my idea. I looked up a lot on stuff on them. My mom is going to get me a service dog if I do have PTSD. They actually give people with PTSD service dogs. There's this therapy for panic attacks called depression treatment. I don't hope I have these mental afflictions, but I know I do. Sometimes you just know stuff. I'm not a veteran, like most PTSD sufferers are. But, I mean, that really doesn't matter. People with PTSD can go through any trauma. I was sexually assaulted. That's my problem. I have panic attacks because of it. My last one was last Friday, which triggered my break down. It really doesn't help that people keep telling me to talk about it. I don't remember the whole thing. And, what I do remember, if I think about it, I can still feel the sensations. I don't like that feeling. I don't like being afraid of what happened, but I can't do anything about that. That's why I want to work with sexual assault victims when I'm older. I understand. Most people don't. I still hate my school. Even more so now, because I've gotten worse. Before I didn't have many panic attacks, now I have at least one every week. I can't tell my family, they don't know how to help me. Neither don't friends. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've started keeping a journal, for my really bad moments. I really want to cut again, but I have to wait until after prom. I have to find a new way to cut. I won't be wearing long sleeves over summer. I don't wear a lot of shorts, but I don't know if I can cut on my thighs. It just doesn't seem like something I can do. I told my mom I cut and she got pissed at me. Then I told her why, which is only after a panic attack usually. And she got even angrier. She even smacked my arms, where the scars are fading. I haven't cut in a while. Not since my really bad panic attack. She didn't even try to understand how I felt. She doesn't try to understand how I feel every day. Neither does my dad. Drake and my new friend Katie are the only ones that understand how I feel. They both suffer from depression and Katie cuts too. She was also sexually assaulted. I was called brave by one of my teachers. I let Katie read the past paragraph of my essay to the class. I wrote about my problems and what I go through every day. It was an essay about a job working with children. I chose Psychologist for Sexually Abused and Assaulted Children. Very specific, I know. But that's what I want to do. She told the girls in class not to talk about or tell anyone about it either. They probably already did. I hear any rumors and I will be pissed. I'll have to knock them down before they get too bad.

Oct 01 2014, 07:51 AM

So I'm going to my new school and I hate it every day. At first I was like "I'll give it a chance" and now I'm like I hate it. I don't know why, I just do. I don't have Drake here with me, and having Drake with me always made mefeel better. It made me feel important to someone, and not just like a unwanted thing. DrKe was always and will always be my baby cub in a way. He gets picked on and its always me standing up for him. I always protected him from his tormenters. I fell in love with this new television show I'm watching. It's called The 100. It's really good. I love Lincoln and Octavia, but I kind of got mad at Octavia at one point because she not only breaks Lincoln's heart but her own heart as well. But that's me, I get mad at movies and shows when something doesn't go the way you plan them to. It's just irksome. I want to see if Octavaia and Lincoln get back together or not. I hope they do. That would make me a little happy. (What would really make me happy is seeing Drake every day of the week.)

Jul 30 2014, 08:48 PM

Okay, so I have about one and a half weeks left of my summer vacation and I'm not looking forward to going to my new school. I won't have any friends. Everyone I know either thinks that this school change will be good for me, or that I shouldn't have to go. But the point I'm trying to make is a move like that isn't going to help me any. It only goes down hill from here for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTLCnRAjAVs Watch the second video. It's kind of funny and gross at the same time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4fx6maAGJA

Jul 28 2014, 11:16 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GurkREc-q4I I love this song. It speaks so much to me. Like someone is saying "Ha-ha, fuck-face. You thought I wouldn't make it, but I did. You thought the worst of me, but I'm better than you." Plus it's always nice to see a confident, plus-size woman rocking out with no cares in the world. It's been almost six weeks since my last post, which means that soon I will be able to take my hoops out and stick different earrings in my new holes. I'm so excited. My ears don't hurt to sleep on, I pierced them myself, they haven't been infected, and they're coming along great. I dyed the ends of my hair when I got it cut. I need to upload a picture, but I haven't gotten around to it. When I had it dyed, the ends were bleached, so the ends of my hair under the dye is a really light blonde color. I got it cut the way that I wanted it. A way that expresses me, but isn't so outrageous that my dad will have a cow, though I think he will about the ends being blonde under that dye. I love my hair. It's easier to straighten, pull back and it doesn't get in the way of anything.

Jun 27 2014, 07:08 PM

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0 Finally, I'm getting my cartilage pierced again. Now I'll have the piercing that I need to stand for each of the dearly loved ones I've lost. And then I get to pierce the bottoms of my ears again like I wanted to. Now I'll have more ear pricings than my sister, only because she's too scared and doesn't like cartilage piercings. I still have to get my hair cuts and the ends colored, but I can wait for that, although my hair is starting to get on my nerves, always falling into my face and getting in the way. I'll have to pull it back so that it's not in my face. My bangs are getting annoying, too. They just want to curl into my eyes and pole my eye balls out. I think I'm going to have to start straightening my hair every day again, like I was before school ended. I found out that I'm going to have to go to another school out where I live because my parents don't want to take me back and forth until March. I really don't want to switch school, well I don't want to switch schools, but I have to do what they say. My brother moved out and my sister moves into my grandparents at the end July or the beginning of August. So, I'm going to be in my parents house with them by myself for two years. I might just murder my dad before the two years are up, because knowing him, he's going to start with his shot again. I can't stand him. He's such a dick to me and it's only me he's like that to. He never yells at my sister the way he does me and he doesn't even talk to my brother, but with me he just can't seem to leave me alone. He is always picking on me, calling me an ungrateful little bitch or saying my boons are small and my AWS is small. First of all who the duck asked for his opinion, bot me. He needs to leave me alone before he ends up six feet under in a plastic sheet. My mom isn't so bad, we get along just fine. We actually have lots in common and we never fight. My asshole for a father pushes me all the time. I wish my mom would divorce his sorry ads. Give him something to really complain about. Anyways I'm stoked for tomorrow. I get to see someone I rarely see anymore, and I get to pierce my ears some more and find cool studs and hoops for my ears so I'm going to have fun. I asked my nana to pierce my ears, but I don't think she will. She doesn't get why I want to pierce them anymore.

Jun 22 2014, 07:24 PM

Found my new pair of converse yesterday. They are awesome. I love my new converse. It's nice to have two pair now. Now I have my Chuck Taylor All Star Double Upper converse, and my Chuck Taylor All Star Hi Double Upper Canvas converse. Hip-hip-hooray for me. I just love converse. I have three new pairs of skinnies. That makes me happy, too. I still haven't pierced my ear anymore, like I want to, but I will. I just have to wait for my nana to take me to Sally's so I can buy earrings to pierce my ears with. I have a clock necklace, too, and another ring.

Jun 20 2014, 06:54 PM

First night at my grandparents' house this month. I'm going to the Converse Store tomorrow. I'm so excited. Hope that I can find what I'm looking for. It's going to be so much fun. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhgvWLs2rsM

Jun 15 2014, 11:14 PM

I just found out when LGBT Month is. Its in October. The same month as Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So when I think of breast cancer I'll think of LBGT people too.