Oct 23 2014, 02:21 PM

Today I want to die I need to die I want the cold embrace the numb feeling in my wrists just one last time I want the warmth of my blood to empty out of me like pulling the blankets over your head the one last time I want to say hello and goodbye I want nothing more than to die right now

Oct 22 2014, 01:20 PM

Today I feel alone I feel depressed as of if that I kno I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend that will be my wife I feel that I will not make it through this life the way I am wanted to be I feel like a dissapointment and idk why I belive I should talk to dad about this I feel sick to me stomach just writing these words and idk why I wish I knew the answer Idk why I feel this way all I want is an answer to this question that drives me insane and I can't figure it out no means of research and guidance can lead me to this answer is this something that the answer is in me  or right in front of me I can't figure it out I seek approval and I crave attention that I will accept I don't kno why maybe the attention I crave for is what is dragging me down I just I don't kno anymore or have I tricked myself to belive I am depressed I have a great life yet at the same time I want to die maybe I will find the answer one day I feel as if that a fire had been lit and I was the fuel I feel as if that I need to talk to somebody that I need help but yet I dnt want to tell people because I'm afraid I will get riticuled for being the way I am I am not sure if me as a person pleases anybody but christina but yet I fuck up and make her upset ad that's what hurts me most of all she is my everything and when I upset or hurt her it makes me feel like the worst person in the world all I want is acceptance but yet I am judged the most in the one place I am supposed to feel the safest I just need that mother my mother I crave her affection and acceptance and love just a simple text would suffice I just need that one little bit of hope to grab something to hold onto I am jealous of my brother seeing him with my step mother I wonder how it feels to have a mother's love to feel that bond to feel absolutely safe and free of harm I am truly jealous I crave that feeling everyday I just want that my father is the best one I could hope for he has done everything for me he has been the only one who will go to hell and back for me he's been through everything with me I love him for that yes he can be a ass sometimes but he's not perfect and neither am I i have a handful of friends I truly trust and who I would die for if it came to it they try to fill the gaps in my life where I lack the feelings or emotional stability I am great full for them I just don't kno why I feel so guilty all the time for being the way I am right now I act ok I try to put on my smile but it's becoming harder for me to pull off I know they notice the cracks when I let my guard down for just one moment I just don't kno I feel I am a burden to them I know this is just for me  and my thoughts but I feel in some way this should help but idk what to do anymore.