Apr 05 2021, 09:59 AM

i havent been able to make friends with anyone irl in a full year now and I don't know how I'm supposed to digest that and move on life feels like a class I called out sick for and now I'm too behind to get whats going on and my seat is too close to the front of the class and spaced too far apart from anyone else to be able to ask for help without making a scene like it only makes sense that i'd need help, but I don't feel like putting the burden of catching me up to speed on any one person. i don't feel bad maybe being a little pushy here or there with people that'll forget my face that same day, but I feel like I can't ask to be anyone's friend without even knowing how to become friends. What do new friends even do? And how could I be sure at that point I'm not just an obligation of theirs? and how does this situation reflect on me? am I unapproachable? do I seem self-absorbed? how would someone react to me having literally no friends since I turned 18? and not even for cool loner reasons, just trying and failing desperately and aimlessly.. it'd seem pretty pathetic, right? a pretty obvious red flag that I'm a loser. incompotent, socially anxious, oblivious, whatever else. whatever front of confidence i'd try to put up and do the 'fake it till you make it' shit would then very flatly fall apart. i live on a small school campus. i live in a dorm with less than 2 dozen other people. people know each other, and maybe I'm assuming too much but I get the feeling they know that no one knows me. so in a full year where nothing is really going on and I'm some fuck-off asshole who seems to never talk to anyone, at least one of them must've wondered by now, "what's his deal?" "who's he friends with?" maybe asked that question aloud and got blank responses. no one knows me and I'm sure that everyone knows that no one knows me and I hate it. at least I'm pretty good making online friends, but I feel like those irl difficulties are starting to seep even into that too. it's like I gave the wrong signals to the entire universe and now everyone everywhere thinks I want them to leave me alone when its never been more the opposite. I'm done now music accompanying this feeling: