Mar 08 2015, 02:03 PM

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I should be doing homework and I just don't know what to do. I feel so disconnected and there is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is but I have realized that I have been sick for awhile, mentally. I've recently discovered how much the people around me hate me and I don't have any clue as to what to do. Everyone is making a big deal about transgender suicides, and just like them, I may be nothing more then a hash tag. Hell, I won't even be that. I'm not popular enough, I don't pass well enough, I'm not good enough. There's something seriously wrong with me but I have no one to go to. My parents just call me lazy and ignore the things I do until it's seriously harmful, Every time I get sick I am blamed and accused of taking pills to kill myself. I just want to hide in a dark room, I'm afraid that people are watching me all the time or staring at me, whispering about me, I blank out and have made many of my friends mad because I don't seem to understand or listen to what they have to say, and I don't even realize it until it's too late. I can't sit still, I feel myself just wanting to die, I find myself crying at 2 am when I am the safest, and alone, and I just don't understand things like most people do. I smile and laugh all the time but then once people look away I feel nothing. I did at that moment when I felt happy but when all is done and the heads are turned I'm dead. I'm nothing. There is no more Shane. I have a hard time talking about how I feel and I have no idea how I managed to get so much down onto one single tumblr message. I suppose it's because there is hardly anyone who will actually see it, so frankly I do not need to worry. I'm not good at admitting how I feel because most of the time I need help... but there's no where I can begin. I want to be there for people, I don't want help, but then I need it, I'm tired of lying and saying I don't. But I can't accept help because i'm too busy helping everyone else, and the only thing that makes me happy is when everyone around me is happy. I can't run away from any of this or my household because I'm terrified, I can't stay here in this hell because it hurts and I just feel like I've been shoved into a small already filled up box. People keep talking about mental health, but whenever I try to say something I am "that kid who wishes they had something wrong with him for attention" or hell, more likely someone will say "that kid who wishes they had something wrong with her for attention" so that's my feelings, and that's all the things are feel. I may not be a hash tag, but I am pretty dead - my tumblr