These words will last forever
I'll dream our memories away
Just to make you feel something for me again
These words will last forever
I'll dream our memories away
Just to make you hurt
Just to make you feel my pain Elegies, by Make Them Suffer
35 / Female / Sheffield, United Kingdom
Straight / Forever Alone
Oct 16, 2010
Feb 15, 2015
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Blue eyes, 5ft 7" and um...in shape (round is a shape right?)
M hair changes colours with the seasons, i'm currently turquoise
I'm a member in my uni's RockSoc
I currently have reached a point in maturity..i now know i'm ready for....a cat :D at some point anyway (Landlord won't let me have one)
I live in Sheffield, in a houseshare
When i'm well enough i love going to The Dove and Rainbow/The Nelson/Corporation
I collect Bad Taste Bears (started in 2002...my collection is crap when you take into account i've been doing it 8 years!)
I'm the eldest of 4 siblings (and therefor...the best)
And if i was facing the death penalty my last meal would be egg and chips :D
I like lists
I have Bipolar...so i'm a bit mental at times..you have been warned
I pretty much never get on msn much (my laptop is dead so i borrow my flatmate's when i can!) but add me anyway, just say you're from here email@example.com
Please be nice to me, i know i'm old but i'm also all innocent (yeah right!) and new!
Billy Talent [fave band]/Rise Against[2nd fave band]/The Offspring/Lostprophets/KISS/Cancer Bats/Zebrahead/Reel Big Fish/The Lonely Island/FFAF/The Midnight Beast/Jimmy Eat World/Three Days Grace/Hinder/Hell Is For Heroes[random fact you can *just about* see me in their live dvd]/The Blackout/Simple Plan/Papa Roach/Tina Turner [had a weird musical upbringing]/Finch/Motley Crue/Metallica/Linkin Park/Helloween/Hundred Reasons/Scorpions/Edguy/Avantasia/Iron Maiden/FFAF/Def Leppard/Steel Panther/Judas Priest/Bowling For Soup/Blink 182.... you get the picture!
Favourite Films / TV / Books
Harry Hill's TV Burp
Star Trek (Next Gen&Voyager, and all the films except the motion picture)
Battlestar Galatica (remake!)
Law and Order
*ahem* the x-factor
The Butterfly Effect
All the Die Hards
The Other Guys
Mock The Week
and many more
Any crime thriller basically!
And rock star bio's.
I go through phases with reading, if i'm in a reading phase i can get through a book in a day
Education / Occupation
I have 11 GCSE's, 3B's, 5C's and 2 D's
I have 3 A Levels, Media (B), Psychology (D) and Health and Social Care (D)
I have a degree in Film an Media Production from Sheffield Hallam University (2008)
I've worked in Home Bargains, Global Video, The Leadmill and William Hill Call Centre
I'm currently taking time out recovering from illness, and using my time to do some youtube videos based around my poetry and a blog..and hopefully volunteering soon
I now work selling sausage rolls...living the high life!
Who I'd Like To Meet
Ahhahaha to think i first thought this meant which bands to i want to meet ='] (wait...does it?)
Anyone who is friendly :) and who won't fuck me around
Today (well yesterday now) could not have been more perfect.
I haven't been this happy in a LONG LONG time.
It's funny how i posted an entry about finding love and meeting someone and shit, and low and behold the minute i stop looking i find someone <3
So as of 4/5/12 I am no longer single!
I'm now with someone who makes me so very very happy
Fuck cloud 9...i think i'm on cloud 11!!!
Happy beki is happy
This is crazy.
I'm so so scared this will all fuck up and i'll go back to being as unhappy as i was before.
I need this to work.
I need not to be wrong.
I need not to get hurt, again.
I need honesty.
I need some faith in myself.
I need not to have built this up for it all to come crashing down around me.
I need to trust my instincts.
I need to not fuck this up.
I need for this to be real.
Maybe I need too much right now? Maybe I am setting myself up for an almighty fall? Maybe i am too trusting? Maybe i am putting too much on this working in my favour?
I'm so excited but so scared too. The last time i felt anything close to this way was when i met T. And that ended so well [/sarcasm] ¬_¬
I'd kind of given up on meeting someone. But i guess its true these things happen when you least expect them too. I certainly wasn't expecting THIS don't get me wrong it feels amazing but i've been hurt so many times before i'm scared of being hurt again.
Friday is the day. The day my life could change for the better or the day everything fucks up and i'm back to square one. One more day to go.
Please don't let it fuck up, please.
It's too early to read too much into this (i've made that mistake too many time before) BUT i have a good feeling about this.
I'm taking this all with a pinch of salt cos i know how easily things usually go to shit for me but maybe this is the start of something?
We shall see...
I do <3 late night chats though, didn't get off the phone till 7 this morning lol
It's a new day...so...new entry
Bit stupid of me really cos nothing has happened yet.
Going to let the mugwort work its magic and hopefully have fun random dreams again ^_^
May record a new vlog or poetry corner episode, though i need to think of something to talk about in the vlog. My life really isn't interesting enough for me to have one but oh well, keeps me occupied.
Today (well later) shall be spent cleaning (oh joy) and reminded to self: put the sodding bin out. Then i think i'll have another crack at RE4.
Need better pictures on here they all suck (1/10 *cries into drink*
I'm telling myself this now to remind myself on the day but NO GOING OUT ON FRIDAY. You're going out saturday, that's enough. But that said i know if I stay in i will be bored shitless as usual.
I have the urge to just one day randomly travel somewhere i've never been to. Suggestions where on a postcard please! Really hope i can go to the SoEmo meet this summer, would be awesome to meet people. ^_^
Also no idea why but i have had this song stuck in my head. I remember i listened to it a lot last summer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECY9JEoZCOg&ob=av2n
Talking of Summer, no-one here knows but I FUCKING HATE JULY. For starters both my grandparents died in July so it sucks for that reason, and the last 2 relationships i've been in ended in July (07 and last year). And i lost my job in July 09. Oh and usually have to move house on top of that. So yeah i hate it. Though at least this year i'm single so no chance of getting dumped, and i have this flat till next year so don't have to move house.
Oh and i need to have a word with Cupid about his sodding aim..>.> I'm willing to stop being as picky. I'd just like a nice decent guy, that will make me happy! :p
Must not snap. Must not get wound up. Must not get pissed off. Must not start an arguement.
So irritable right now, not really wanting to be "sociable" i just want to sit i my room and do my own thing. Why the fuck don't i just do that? Why am i letting this get to me. 99% my flatmate is never here, which is great. I love having my own space. But when he's here i just get really fucking annoyed.
Like earlier, he said do you fancy takeaway? I said yes, really fancy chippy. He wanted chinese. I said i didn't want chinese cos a)we had that last time, and b)it makes my stomach feel dodgy. Ok. So i wait. Ask him are you going to the chippy (i'm not dressed and he offered to go anyway) or are you just waiting till its shut so we can't have it? Cue arguement over getting chinese. I'm adament i don't want it so he goes off in a huff. Then starts bitching about the fact there isn't much food in (well no...i don't eat much and i can't remember the last time he actually bothered to do shooping). Gave in and told him he could have a pizza.
Now we're sat in silence. And watching fucking football. God i want to move out. Just need to be well enough and get a job so i can afford it. >.< RAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGEEEEE
Fuck it, i'm going up to my room..
I think i may actually have officially lost the fucking plot.
Crazy Beki scares me just a little
And drunk Beki should not be allowed near her phone >.<
Is this what i've become? When did i get so fucked up? When did i start having such little respect for myself? Why the hell do i keep doing this? What is wrong with me? Why do i have no self control?
I can't keep doing this.
I feel like i need to hide from the world until my mood gets more stable. Let the meds kick in. Calm the fuck down. Stop drinking. Stop the ONS's. Get some fucking self respect. And then maybe, just maybe i will be ok.
"Wait, I know your hearts been shattered
But there's someone worth the wait
There's so much more that matters
And I know you will be alright, just try
to love the little things in life
Like running in the rain"
Keep listening to this song, and telling myself there is someone worth the wait. Rejection is just part and parcel of life and I need to just deal with it. There's no point me taking it personally. It's just hard. Especially when you see all your friends in relationships and meeting people and you just think "what is wrong with me?"
I keep wondering if i've done something really bad in a past life (maybe i was a serial adulterer?? lol) and this is just some form of karmic payback? I've tried internet dating, i've tried meeting people when out, where am i going wrong? Although now i think about it, in order i met my exes
1)in a record store
2)at alton towers
3)at a festival
4)in a club
So all bar the last were really weird random places. Maybe this means i might get lucky at Download hehe.
I thought i was ok with being single, and don't get me wrong i do kind of love having my own space and doing whatever i want, but i miss having that close bond with someone special, knowing they're always there for you, holding hands, snuggling up to watch a dvd, meaningful sex, etc. Maybe i'm asking for too much?
To be fair men can probably sense the desperation hance why they run a mile >.< and i should really stop moaning about it...bah it's just making me very cynical is all. Maybe i'm just too fucked up for any guy to like or love?
wow..that turned into a ranty essay sorry