Apr 22 2012, 12:28 PM

Wow Just wrote a very very long letter to my "dad". I feel drained emotionally, but at the same time all the thoughts and feelings and crap i've carried inside my head and heart for the past few years have all just been realeased. I don't know if i will send the letter. Some parts aren't going to be nice for him to read, but it's how i feel and he needs to know that. To be honest I think i just really needed to write it down. Oh dear..my psych will have a filed day with me tomorrow >.< Other thoughts of today: Is this a good idea? What were you thinking? Why did you do that? You're an idiot. Give up. He doesn't like you. You should cut back on the drinking. You need to save for Download. Drunk texts are fun. Need sleep. And food. And sex. But will settle for sleep.

Apr 21 2012, 06:11 PM

SERIOUSLY FUCKING PISSED OFF My bio dad, who i haven't spoken to in what, 6 years (cos he's a cunt) fucking rang me tonight. What the actual FUCK? For starters how the fuck did he get my sodding number? Secondly why the hell did he think that at 9pm on a saturday night i'd want to fucking talk to him. I mean shit, he didnt even fucking call me when my nan (his mum) died. My mum told me cos she found out via someone else. So why the actual fuck is he ringing me? It really shook me up. I was literally crying and shaking. I really DO NOT want ANYTHING to do with him. I gave him a second fucking chance and he fucked it up. Why should i give him another? Why should i let him fuck with my mind yet again. Him and my bitch of a stepmother can fuck right off. I think he was drunk. He sounded drunk, he was slurring his words. Also if he really wanted a civil convosation after 6 FUCKING years surely he's have called during the day? I maneged to get him off the line by saying i'd talk to him tomorrow. I REALLY do not want to :( This is the guy who made me feel so fucking shit that after a year of stopping self harming i started again, after an arguement with him. This is the guy who in my presence called my mother a BITCH and reduced her to fucking tears, 20 odd years after they fucking divorced. I HATE HIM so fucking much. What the hell do i do? I can't cope with this right now. I'm going to call my mum tomorrow and talk it over with her. She will fucking go apeshit when she finds out he called me. What a fucked up start to the night :'( And now i can't find my fucking mugwort. PISSED OFF

Apr 21 2012, 04:31 AM

Jesus Fucking Christ i think i reached new levels of drunkness last night. As it is I've had 4 hours sleep and have suddenly been reminded of all the drunken messages i sent.people last night bad Beki eurgh...Im going back to bed to recover.. edit: yeah..couldn't sleep too wired from last night. and it appears i have agreed to go out again tonight o_O i'm not gonna drink though #famouslastwords

Apr 20 2012, 11:35 AM

Listening to Billy Talent=HAPPY BEKI God i love this band so much, cannot wait to see them again at Download, fingers crossed i won't get a bastard crowdsurfer landing on my neck this time ¬_¬ And oh god if i get to meet them again i will be stoked. It would appear that EVERYONE wil be in Corp tonight so it would be rude not to join them right? Shall be rocking the pink look tonight. Also <3 stockings..they just make me feel sexy.. Speaking of pink i'm currently redying the pink bits in my hair (cannot believe it washed out after one sodding wash!!) with directions this time. This will either work or go badly wrong.. I've cracked open a brothers strawberry cider and i am in a GREAT mood right now, nobody will bring me down. fuck the haters (lol ast me trying to sound all gangsta there) May make another entry when i'm drunk later..that could be amusing!

Apr 19 2012, 11:08 AM

I hate being new to places (like here for example), kind of feels like you've walked into a conversation you were never part of if that makes sense. Plus you get the feeling you're not really wanted around and that you're somehow intruding. :( Probably just me being paranoid but i've felt like this before Ah well. I gave it a shot. Though the people i have talked to were lovely. my twitter is on my profile Feeling irritable as fuck so may change my mind but for now...

Apr 18 2012, 11:21 AM

Today has been spent..tidying up, filming another vlog, editing vlog and uploading vlog...did i mention i made another vlog? :p Basically I got thinking about how men and women possibly have different approaches to dating. I don't know why i decided to do vlog, its just something for me to occupy my time with. The videos are painfully crap quality as i'm just using the webcam on my netbook and very basic editing software. Considering I have a sodding degree in film and media production they should be a lot better. But for now it's just something i'm doing as a little project, should it ever take off i'd do things properly It's under my videos but if you can't be bothered to seek it out i'll post it here too Oh and i need questions to answer for my next vlog so if there is anything you want to ask...ask it now and i shall answer on friday

Apr 17 2012, 06:58 PM

Aahahaha was looking through my old myspace and stumbled across this: The Classic "Are You Beki's Type of Guy" Quiz (just for fun :p ) Basics Name: Age: Location: Height: Hair (color and style): Eyes: Piercings/tattoos: OTHER 1. Where would we go on the first date? 2. Who are three of your favorite bands/artists? 3a. Do you drink? 3b. Do you smoke?? 4. Do you like the Corp? 5. If so...would you go with me? 6. Do you like movies? 7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? 8. If you were to take me out to a movie would we watch the movie? 9. If not what would we be doing? 10. Do you play an instrument? 11. If so...what? 12. Would you call me right after we saw each other to make sure i made it home alright? 13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10? 14. Favorite body part on a me? 15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? 16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)? 17. Would you give me kisses just because? 18.Can i stalk you? What Would You do if... I cried: I said I liked you: I kissed you: I wanted to have sex with you: I touched your ass: I was hospitalized: I ran away from home: I got in a fight and you were there: I got dumped: I pissed you off: What Do You Think Of My... Personality: Eyes: Face: Hair: Clothes: Voice: Humor: Choice of music: Friends: Would You... Be my friend: Tell me the truth no matter what: Buy me a birthday gift: Lie to make me feel better: Spread rumors about me: Go out at 4am to get me chocolate: Keep a secret if I told you one: Loan me some cash: Hold my hand: Keep in touch: Try and solve my problems: Love me: Makeout with me: Hold me in times of need: Ditch me: Use me: ask me out: Date me: Have sex with me: Makeout with me whenever you had the chance: Hold me and make my problems go away: Make me happy: Yeah....this the kind of shit i used to post XD It's kind of cringeworthy looking back...though i'm just going to leave it hear and see if anyone dares (or is bored enough) to fill it in haha

Apr 17 2012, 11:55 AM

Oh drunk Beki why do stupid things? >.< Yeah sorry if anyone was bombarded with drunken messages last night. Arrgghh nearly had a heart attack when i saw my bank balance earlier. I've somehow spent quite a bit of my savings which i always intended to put in an ISA but never got around to it...and have kept dipping into it since >.< This is not good. There's a very good chance come next july (unless i find a job/find people to live with) i'm going to be without a home, and the savings would have come in handy for deposit/rent upfront. Just have to be extra careful and start saving money (not easy when i've just bought a sodding Download ticket). Mood-wise i'm..well i'm not sure how i am. =/ Seeing my psych on monday and i am am really really scared she will discharge me (seeing as my cpn just did), they seem to be cutting services left right and center. I know i cant see her forever but i dont think they should just cut me off and leave me with no support at all. I'm sick of being bipolar, i'm sick of being ill. I just want to feel normal. :( Ok i'll stop before this turns into an essay

Apr 15 2012, 04:23 PM

I really should be sleeping, espcially as i was still awake at 7am this morning (well yesterday now), EPIC night though and what's even better is i shall be hopefully having another EPIC night with friends tonight (monday) ^_^ Have talked to friends about [she who shall from this point on be referred to as the bitch] and i feel better for getting it off my chest. Saw her last night and supressed the urge to knock her lights out (i say that but i'm the least violent person you could meet :p ) I just ignored her instead. So yeah feeling better than I was. :) Though i need to make sure i sleep tonight cos i can feel another manic episode coming on =/ (though hey its better than feeling depressed) *bounces around the room* *gets distracted by boobs*

Apr 13 2012, 12:45 PM

New journal? (like i need another..) Interesting... ..Hmm lets see...i'm currently getting stressed out by online dating, been messed around by 2 guys and it looks like the current guy i've been talking to is going to do the same. Feel like screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?". I mean i'm no pretty picture and i'm bipolar which is kind of off putting to people but i didn't think i was that bad a person. Oh and certain "friends" seem to be slagging me off behind my back and it's annoying me..i need to not let things get to me so much but she pretty much called me an alcoholic (i'm not!!) ¬_¬