i wanted to call my friend to vent about this, but no one wants to hear a bummer on easter.
im so fucking depressed. my mental health has been at an all time low being stuck in my home with my family. my gender identity has been practically erased. my parents are non stop fighting and stressed. my mom is depressed and anxious around me all the time and treats me like her therapist and most recently her punching bag because she's tired of being mad at her husband and mom so she turns to me even though i haven't done shit wrong. one day im so happy nothing can bring me down and the next i just. it's just so hard. this virus shit has ripped everything that ever made me happy away from me. it's like the universe doesnt want me to be happy. i'm not allowed to have friends and a sense of community. i'm supposed to be sad and alone forever and ever and i fucking hate it i just want to go outside again and have friends and be seen as a boy again and be happy and loved i want to be that so so bad i just want to get out of this damn house!! :(
i deleted all of my old journals oops *-* really felt the need to get away from the past and start over. not that anything i'm going to write from now on will really be any different. i think the only change will be that i wont be talking about my girlfriend (now ex) anymore. Now i'll just be talking about yearning :)
anyways, really what i need to vent about today is how fucked up everything is right now. i'm back at my family's house where i don't have a bedroom, i don't have my own space. and im going to be stuck here until september, that is if everything goes back to normal by then and i'm able to move back into the dorms.
my school stopped providing my therapy a couple weeks ago. they gave me 10 free sessions and took away the option to pay for more. we pay so much money to go to this school and they can't afford to hire more therapists so there could be more availability?? it's fucking ridiculous. anyways, i've always kind of thought therapy was stupid, at least for me. i kind of have an imposter complex and think that i dont need help, that i can take care of things myself, that my mental health isn't that bad and is definitely a lot better than others'. last year, though, i had a pretty bad mental breakdown, i got hit with so many traumatic events, so this year i figured well i guess i should try it. as i was in therapy i didn't really notice the difference. my therapist helped me feel more motivated, and it was nice to have someone to talk to, but i figured my problems were whatever, that i could do this on my own, that i didn't need a therapist and i was wasting her time and i was making my problems out to be bigger than they actually are, and that i do actually have people to talk to so it's fine... well now that i've been without a therapist for, what, a month now? and i'm realizing that wow no one actually gives a shit about what i have to say and what i'm going through and it was really nice to have that one person once a week to talk to and listen to me.
it's so hard to tell people that i'm depressed. and when i do it's not taken seriously. i don't know what i have to do to get people to listen. sometimes i feel like i could have a gun to my head and they will still blow me off, think i'm overreacting, think i dont have something going on in my head. honestly, you know it's bad when i've given up telling people "yeah im okay" and instead just telling them outright i'm feeling really fucked up. i'm still getting radio silence. i've had a couple people on the interwebs ask me if i'm okay, offer to be someone to talk to, but i have too many trust issues to really open up directly to a stranger on the internet.
anyways uhh yeah. fuck.
